Really, Really, Really Important

Really, Really, Really Important (1,105)

April 3rd, 2011

When I was a kid there was a big fuss about milk. If I remember correctly, you’re supposed to consume a quart a day— or maybe more. But now that I’m grown up, milk doesn’t even come into play in my life. It is better on cereal than water.

I think we were supposed to drink it to make strong bones and strong teeth. But all my friends broke a bone. And teeth? Well, there’s a crap shoot, right? While I’m on the subject, we’re supposed to brush them, correct? When I was growing up the suggestion was three times a day. I had a friend who actually did that until he was thirty-nine years old and had to get dentures. Isn’t it strange that most old people end up wearing false teeth, many of them having cleansed their originals at least three times a day? I finally had one honest dentist tell me that you kind of get the teeth you get. I do brush my teeth, but more for my breath than my enamel.

Then there was the thing about manners. Don’t put your elbows on the table. Remember that one? That was really, really, really important. You ever try to go through a whole meal without placing your elbows on the table? It’s just liable to make you psychotic. So then I discovered it was legal to put your arms on the table as long as your elbows never made contact. Wow. Wrap your mind around that one. No wonder so many people get indigestion.

Do you recall how really, really, really important it was to make sure you kept your permanent record in school spotless? Was I the only one who actually thought there was a permanent record? They got me. I literally envisioned a process by which I would be carrying around a large volume of information accumulated through my school years, somehow chained to my hip, which would be read by people before they decided to interact with me or not. In reality, I never had anybody refer back to my schooling after I got my first job, and they just wanted to make sure some diploma had been issued. So in America, D students and A students work side by side—without retribution. The only thing that’s necessary? A diploma.

Of course, the ongoing one is the really, really, really important issue of eating right and exercising. Well you see, I have sat down and eaten next to a skinny person and we have consumed the identical number of calories, which caused me to gain weight and him to demand a further snack within the hour. And I know exercise is important, but you do hear the stories about those who fall over dead on the treadmill from a busted blood vessel which was weak on the day they were born.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying… I do all these things. I just don’t take them real seriously.

I also grew up believing that money was very important. And then I actually grew up and learned that more money than you need is just something to worry about, similar to less money than you need.

Being reared in the Mid-West in the 1960’s, church was pretty essential. There was supposed to be some magical impartation given to the human being through spending an hour a week on an uncomfortable seat, listening to less-than-desirable sounds. I have met a lot of nice people in my life. Some of them go to church. Not all of them. And the ones who go to church and are nice are not nice because they’re church goers. They are nice because they legitimately like people, which is unfortunately not necessarily one of the offerings coming forth from the stained-glass environment.

One hundred sixteen channels blaring at me from the television, telling me the latest thing that’s really, really, really important. I watched Rod Stewart being interviewed on TV last night. He was asked what would cause him to stop touring and singing on stage. He replied, “I suppose if I got really fat and bald.”

Sorry, Rod. Didn’t even make my list.

You can continue to listen to all the screeching, squawking, warnings, and pursue the latest trends, avoiding the forbidden taboos if you want. Honestly, a lot of hand-wringing without lotion only produces chaffing. But I think I’ve found out what’s really, really, really important for me:

· Give a little love

· Get a little love

· Remember

Everything else just really, really, really gives me a brain ache. (Maybe it’s a brain tumor caused by a lack of milk . . .)