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The Garden Sepulchre, Inc.
“Not just another hole in the hill”
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Monday morning, bright and early
Dear Mr. Christ:
This is to inform you that careful inspection of Lot #33 in our spacious, well-kept facility this morning rendered some egregious breaches in our contract with you.
Our establishment has a history of solemnity and responsibility that must be honored by our clients and those left behind as caretakers of sweet memories.
Therefore, we reluctantly, but firmly, must ask you to right some wrongs:
1. You vacated the premises without sufficient notice. (Since this has never happened before, we are not positive on how to levy a charge.)
2. An unacceptable amount of sound and fury was heard coming from your resting place pre-dawn Sunday.
3. The gorgeous sedimentary rock placed as your final stage-door exit was moved and severely damaged. Unacceptable.
4. Screaming women racing from the sanctuary of solitude.
5. All sorts of miscellaneous meat bones and empty flasks of wine abandoned near the entrance. (Apparently an inexplicable party of some sort minus a clean-up committee.)
6. Reports of someone allegedly from your entourage walking about, imitating our gardener. (Identity theft.)
7. And in conclusion, even though the internal space was left clean, with garments folded, we are presently missing your body, which is most distressing to an institution of our reputation and ilk.
Mr. Christ, please attend to these matters. Failure to do so could result in court proceedings, which should prove costly, both financially and to your good name.
Sincerely yours,
Deadus Tu Me
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