Jonathots Daily Blog
(2397)
Arguments are like hamburgers in the sense that most people agree that they’re not very good for us, but on the other hand, few are able to resist them. Unlike hamburgers, they end up being a part of our diet whether we like it or not, so we should learn how to ingest and digest them better.
First of all, we need to stop mingling the words “discussion,” “debate” and “argument,” as if they are the same species.
A discussion is when people come together, admitting they do not have enough knowledge on a subject and engage in an exchange of information for enlightenment.
A debate is when two people of differing opinions share their ideas with the aspiration that one of the presentations will come to the forefront as having more common sense.
An argument occurs when folks are certain they have discovered a truth which they believe has been tested, and they are unwilling to give in to any other insight because they feel they have found the correct path.
So an argument seems doomed to elicit frayed feelings and even digress to some violence if we do not know how to conduct ourselves and become the winners.
And by winning an argument, I do not mean usurping authority over other people, to bend them to our will. Winning an argument is to control the atmosphere and make sure that rage does not enter in.
So what should we do?
1. Ask lots of questions.
Arguments always turn volatile when people literally spit their opinions at one another, rather than challenging the source of the other person’s position. It’s difficult to become overwrought when someone is asking you a question and you’re having to provide evidence instead of just passion.
Some time ago I was arguing with a friend about a project he was working on and I stopped in the middle of the back-and-forth and asked, “Do you feel this project is up to the calibre and integrity of what you’ve done in the past?”
It brought him to a complete halt. In the midst of that stall, he calmed down, thinking more deeply.
To win an argument, always have more questions than comments.
2. Somewhere early on in the argument, concede a point or two which will not alter the quality of your conviction.
Anytime you argue with folks, they will make a good point, and usually pride will prevent you from admitting it. If you stop to acknowledge the truth, you disarm your competitor and also create a more gentle environment for the ongoing experience.
If it’s true, it’s true. And if it’s true, say so quickly. You don’t lose points and in the end you will actually gain respect.
3. Summarize as you go.
Every few seconds, repeat these words: “So what you’re saying is…”
It gives the person a chance to hear back what you heard, and confirm whether it’s true, or if some mis-speaking occurred. It also slows the progression of arrogance, permitting simplicity to have its day.
I guarantee you that if you do these three things, you will win every argument, because the true goal is to arrive at a way for both of you to continue to work together and be friends, even though this rift has occurred.
The key to life is realizing that you can give up some turf and still have enough room to stand.
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