Jonathots Daily Blog
(2725)
XXIV.
I confess so I can heal.
If I deny, I remain sick.
I could.
I should have.
I would … next time?
Guilt is often just acceptable self-pity.
It is a decision to appear responsible without ever really taking responsibility.
I shall refrain.
The night my son was hit and run by a car, I kept waiting for the hero in me to show up. I expected “Super Dad” or the cunning of Spirit to steer me in the right direction. I was waiting for my paternal instincts to engulf me in an adrenalin which would bark out commands, take control and become the victor.
Instead, I found myself embarrassingly self-conscious.
I felt as if everybody was watching my actions, like a movie, and they were curious about how I would escape the tragedy.
I felt insufficient and was completely convinced that everybody knew it.
So I blabbered on, bouncing between conjuring memories of better days with my wounded child, or pronouncing epithets of faith, which now fell off my lips insipid and meaningless in the darkness of my surroundings.
When they finally finished operating on my boy and told me the severe state of his injuries, and moved him to a room in Intensive Care, I noticed that there was a chair right next to the hospital bed.
It was empty.
Even though I was confused and frustrated, I knew in my heart it was supposed to be my chair. It was intended to be my place of residence for the next few days or weeks, while I waited for my son to come out of his coma.
Yet I was frightened.
Or maybe I was lazy.
But mostly, I think I was just unsure that I was suited to fill the chair.
So when the doctors and nurses told me there was nothing else I could do that night, and I should go home and get rest, I put up some passive resistance, and then left the hospital, greatly relieved.
When I arrived the next day, the morning nurse told me that Joshua had cried out in pain all during the night, and she wondered where I was. I explained to her that I was instructed to leave.
She just looked at me like she knew it was a lame excuse, given the situation.
I walked into his room, and there was the chair.
I occupied it during the day, but at night I left him.
I wasn’t up to the challenge.
And because I wasn’t, some very bad things happened to him that ended up robbing him of the possibility of new life.
I was afraid of the empty chair.
For you see, there’s always an empty chair. It is rarely filled because it demands such a level of commitment that it frightens away all sitters.
My son needed me and I was not prepared to be the man I needed to be.
I am very sorry.
But I have spent the rest of my life … looking for the empty chair.
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