Cracked 5 … September 5th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4516)

Ways to discuss Oprah Winfrey’s weight problem so she won’t get pissed at you and still might give you a new car.

 

A. “Ms. Winfrey, you are just naturally stretchy.”

 

B. “Sister, you need a huge body for that big, beautiful heart.”

 

C. “Don’t forget, you are not the elephant in the room.”

 

D. “You look great just the way you are today, after your next diet, and the three others after that.”

 

E. “Still waiting for that A-ha moment?”

 

 

Cracked 5 … August 29th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4509)

Things We Learned from the Political Conventions

A. They can easily be done without balloons or hats.

 

B. Hookers got two weeks off.

 

C. The other guy is a crazy, communist, conservative.

 

D. Smiling is not always friendly.

 

E. Nothing.

 

Cracked 5 … August 22nd, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4502)

Activities That Have Drastically Changed During Social Distancing

A. Tag

 

B. A frisky game of Twister

 

C. Bicycle built for two

 

D. Intimate wood splinter removal

 

E. Sex as we configure it

 

 

 

 

Cracked 5 … August 15th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4495)

Reasons to Recommend Marijuana Use for Teenagers

 

1. Provide a biological reason to explain their pernicious laziness

 

2. After all, kids need to mellow out and stop communicating

 

3. Replace the smoke damage in their lungs from abandoning cigarettes

 

4. Curb enthusiasm

 

5. Give logical doorway to more asshole behavior

 

Cracked 5 … July 25th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4474)

Delicate Ways to Alliteratively Describe Your Bowel Movements

 

1. Fulfilling and Fluffy

 

2. Slip-Sliding Away

 

3. Tight and Tender

 

4. Run, Run, Run, Run Runaway

 

5. A Farted Failure

Cracked 5 … July 11th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4460)

Things That Don’t Seem Quite as Interesting Since the Arrival of the Pandemic

1. Virtual anything

 

2. A vacation from work

 

3. Halloween masks

 

4. Spending time with the fam

 

5. Home schooling

 

 

 

Cracked 5 … July 4th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4453)

Ways to Have an Acceptable Covid-19 July 4^th Celebration

1. Set fire to all your clothing that has been exposed to the virus and stand around the bonfire singing, “This Is My Country.”

 

2. Sparklers in the back yard—six feet apart.

 

3. Eat. Yes, eating is still legal.

 

4. Avoid watching “Independence Day,” since it’s an attack by an alien presence.

 

5. Walk to the corner and back, and upon returning cleanse yourself with a garden hose. Perhaps you could make it a family “hose-down.”