Cracked 5 … January 18th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4293)

Cracked 5

The Worst Campaign Slogans

 

A. “I didn’t shoot anyone on 5th Avenue.”

 

B. “At least I’m not colored, female, gay, a socialist or a psychotic liar.”

 

C. “Russia will bomb us if I don’t win.”

 

D. “I will put the ‘party’ into political party.”

 

E. “I have four illegitimate children, but they are all in the military.  Support my troops.”

 

 

Cracked 5 … January 11th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4286)

Cracked 5

The Real Reasons that Oscar the Grouch is Grouchy

A. He’s puke green.

 

B. He lives in abstract poverty in the trash cans.

 

C. He lost his beautiful singing voice to poor stitching.

 

D. His wife left him because she did not want to be ‘Laura the Grouch.’

 

E. He’s Southern Baptist.

 

Cracked 5 … January 4th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4279)

Cracked 5

A List of Why a Girl Named Jan Thinks “January” was Named After Her

A. She is positive that making such a claim is cute and adorable and everyone will think she’s funny.

 

B.  It’s not just for her, but “for Jans everywhere!”

 

C. Her mother told her when she was a girl that “UARY” was Latin for “beautiful.”

 

D. “Listen, no one questions April, May or June—all chick names.”

 

E. And for the record, no one calls it, “DANuary.”

Cracked 5 … December 28th 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4272)

Cracked 5

Things 2019 Wants to Say to Us as it Leaves

 

A.  “How in the hell did you expect me to make anything out of the idiots you gave me?”

 

B. “You stupid jerks! You were peeking ahead to 2020!”

 

C.  “I feel like a leftover box of bread sticks that came with your pizza order.”

 

D. “19 divided by ? = poopie-pants.”

 

E.  “The Patriots won the Super Bowl. La-dee-da…”

Cracked 5 … December 21st, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4265)

Cracked 5

Other Explanations for Noises “Up on the Housetop”

 

A.  Huge Babylonian rats in your attic

 

B.  Your son has crawled out a window and is smoking crack next to the chimney

 

C.  Shingles falling off because you were too cheap to do repair

 

D.  Frozen squirrels falling from the trees and bouncing off before smacking the ground

 

E.  Another amateur landing by Old Red Nose

Cracked 5 … December 14th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4258)

Cracked 5

 Totally and Completely Politically Incorrect Names to Give to Elves

A. Shortbread

 

B. Little Hands

 

C. Tinker Bill

 

D. Brief

 

E. Grounded

 

 

Cracked 5 … December 7th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4251)

Cracked 5

 Things Santa Claus’s Therapist Could Certainly Tell You

A.  He wears a beard to cover his leprosy scars.

 

B.  He refuses to accept that the red costume makes him look fifty pounds heavier.

 

C.  Reindeer smell bad and attack black kids.

 

D. He never married Mrs. Claus. (It’s a long story.)

 

E. Can’t leave him alone for more than five minutes at a time with small children.

 

 

 

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