Cracked 5 … December 12th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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 If Amazon Sent a “Complete Christmas Package” for You and Me from Bethlehem.gov it would include:

A. One carton of the finest virgin olive oil from the Middle East

 

B. Three shepherd pies from the ovens of Scotland

 

C. The complete video series of The Three Stooges–lots of wise-crackin’ from the “stars”

 

D. Matching lambs-wool, angel-soft sweaters from Jerusalem International Fashion Gala

 

E. The latest book: “Nighttime Meditations for the True Seeker” by Joseph Carpenter

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Cracked 5 … December 5th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Some people are offended by the religious implications of saying “Merry Christmas.” Here are five renditions they might find even more unsettling:

A. Happy B-Day, Baby J!

 

B. A baby shower for Mary and Joseph (bring a gift)

 

C. Save 50% at the Savior Birth Extravaganza!

 

D. Merry Manger Moments

 

E. Happy Jesus-mas

 

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Cracked 5 … November 28th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Reasons that Leftover Turkey Often Tastes Better

A. Stewing in its own juices, it found some answers.

 

B. Not needing to compete against the arrogant Honey Baked Ham.

 

C. Spent some time in the “cooler”–got born again.

 

D. People are hungry again by Saturday.

 

E. Rejected at the original feast, it gained character.

 

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Cracked 5 … November 21st, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Best Reasons Ever to Give as Excuses for Over-Eating

A. “I am secretly feeding an unborn twin.”

 

B. “My dead mother living in the basement insists that I eat 7,000 calories a day or she will start killing young women who stay at the motel we own.”

 

C. “My tape worm just had triplets.”

 

D. “God has warned me in a dream that we are headed for seven years of famine.”

 

E. “An English charity has offered a challenge–for every pound I gain, they will give a pound to operate on puppies who cannot bark.”

 

 

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Cracked 5 … November 14th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Last Confessions of a Turkey Before Thanksgiving

A. I tried to plump up my wife so they’d take her instead of me.

 

B. I acted really, really paranoid so the farmer would think I was “a chicken”

 

C. I made close friends with the butcher’s children

 

D. I pulled out all my feathers so they’d think I was diseased

 

E. I stopped using “fowl language”

 

 

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Cracked 5 … November 7th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Mysteriously, a gun has recently begun to speak. Such a phenomenon–everyone jockeyed in an attempt to get an interview with the gun. Wanda Waylings was selected via a lottery. Below are the five golden nugget quotes from the gun during Wanda’s interview:

A. “The NRA is right. I’m a gun. I don’t kill people.”

 

B. “But could you stop selling me to a bunch of nut jobs?”

 

C. “And by the way, I would suggest you start making your bullets out of Cheerios–then the worst thing that could happen is you end up with a cereal killer.”

 

D. “By the way, I am quite proud to shoot a deer to feed hungry children.”

 

E. “Here’s what you can do–targets, turkeys, squirrels, rabbits, and an occasional tree trunk. These are fine. I don’t like to be used to destroy people.”

 

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Cracked 5 … October 31st, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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In This Present Day of Political Correctness, Here Are Some “Better Phrases” to Replace the Notoriously Challenging “Trick or Treat”

A. Dandy candy

 

B. Need sweet

 

C. Yummy for my tummy

 

D. Vegan pleasin’

 

E. Confection or contention

 

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