Cracked 5 … July 17th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3736)

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Things the Queen of England was Overheard Saying

A. “Crowns make my face look fat”

 

B. “How does one get promoted from here?”

 

C. “I have castle but I’m not allowed to behead serfs.”

 

D. “I have a large boat and a rock group named after me. Eat that.”

 

E. “Met Donald something or other…”

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Cracked 5 … July 10th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3729)

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Due to years and years of startling mental and emotional abuse, these are some of the things that Charlie Brown from the “Peanuts” cartoon might have done when he grew up and became a serial killer

 

A. Suggest that Peppermint Patty and her lesbian lover camp out in his murder van

 

B. Break Schroeder’s piano into tiny little pieces and force-feed them into his mouth, causing him to choke and die in his overstated, melancholy way

 

C. Cut off Lucy’s head, carve out the brain and fill it with nickels

 

D. Continue his bizarre relationship with Snoopy, his dog, even allowing the beast to become his partner in crime, barking out favored victims

 

E. Cut the voice box out of all the annoying parents and teachers–and once and for all get rid of the goddamn squawking

 

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Cracked 5 … July 3rd, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3722)

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The Reason Fireworks Make a Lot Of Sense for July 4th

A. They make a lot of sound but not much sense

 

B. They sparkle but quickly fizzle

 

C. You can blow things up

 

D. “God Bless America” doesn’t sound quite so arrogant

 

E. They’re cheap

 

 

 

 

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Cracked 5 … June 26th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3715)

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Ways a Magician Describes His Sex Life

A. “Abracadooher”

 

B. “Open says me”

 

C. “Wavin’ my magic wand”

 

D. “My rabbit is in my hat”

 

E. “Can I have a volunteer from the audience?”

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Cracked 5 … June 19th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3708)

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Really Odd Reasons to Get Married

A.  To have that tan line around your ring finger so when you take a shower you can jump up and down in your birthday suit, saying, “Yay-yay, yay-yay! Look at me!”

 

B.  Your spouse’s breath smells like onion rings, so your mind never drifts too far from Burger King

 

C.  Turns out, with the union and marriage, you can stay with your same bank

 

D.  Your husband has a pet ostrich named Oscar, and he really, really, really likes you

 

E.  You are able to find the perfect last name to go with your first one–so much so that it even rhymes: Carol Farrell.

 

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Cracked 5 … June 12th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3701)

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Things You Can Learn About a North Korean Dictator a Mere Minute After Meeting Him

A. He talks funny

 

B. He has funny eyes

 

C. He has funny hair

 

D. His uniform is really funny

 

E. He, on the other hand, is not funny

 

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Cracked 5 … June 5th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3694)

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Other Indiscretions That Might Be Considered for Additions to the Seven Deadly Sins

A. Laughing at a network sitcom

 

B. Bringing a Bible to a party

 

C. Referring to your dog or cat as children

 

D. Repetitive farting on a long car trip

 

E. Letting a fly into the house

 

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