Cracked 5 … April 18th, 2017

 

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Reasons You Suddenly Come Up With On the Spot Why You Woke Up During Spring Break With a Hangover, Your Best Friend Lying Next to You in Your Bed

A. He had a nightmare roaming the halls, seeking cuddly comfort

 

B. He got chilly, blanketless

 

C. He peed his bed, then drifted in your direction

 

D. Hostile bedbugs in his room

 

E. He lost his clothes at strip poker and had nowhere else to go

  

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Cracked 5 … April 11th, 2017

 

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Lines From Amish Porno Movies

A.  “Me hay be stacked to the rafters.”

 

B.  “Looks to me like milkin’ time!”

 

C.  “Me buggy has strong shocks.”

 

D.  “How about thee and me do some corn squeezins’?”

 

E.  “Your black brim makes me moist in me minny-sota.”

 

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Cracked 5 … April 4th, 2017

 

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Could These Possibly Be the Worst April Fool’s Jokes of All Time?

A.  “Hurry, Romeo! I think Juliet is dead!”

 

B.  “Mr. Booth, are you sure the President is expecting you?”

 

C.  “Adam, it’s called an apple. You’re just so stubborn–won’t try new things.”

 

D.  “Ava, don’t think of it as a bunker. It is our basement love nest.”

 

E.  “Listen, Lucifer, I’ve got this great place I’m sending you. It’s called Earth.”

 

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Cracked 5 … March 28th, 2017

 

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Ways You Can Tell a Watermelon is Ripe

A.  Thump it three times on its yellow underbelly, listen for a hollow response…and then take it home and cut it open.

 

B.  Get very close to the melon at four different locations on its circumference and sniff it, breathing in deeply…(and then take it home and cut it open).

 

C.  Pray over it, laying hands on the surface with a fervent and effectual method…and then, of course, take it home and cut it open.

 

D.  Look carefully for a dark green shade covering the sphere of the entire melon and match it up to others to make sure you’ve achieved the correct hue…and then quickly take it home and cut it open.

 

E.  Take a few weeks to develop a friendly relationship with the produce man at your grocery store and then ask the gent if he would kindly help you pick one of the watermelons he is pretty sure is ready to go…and then TAKE IT HOME AND CUT IT OPEN!!

 

 

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Cracked 5 … March 21st, 2017

 

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Matters Which Traumatize the Number 6

A.  Inexplicably forced to pick up sticks with 5

 

B.  Hoodlum family members getting mixed up in 6-packs

 

C.  Forbidden to gather with two others 6’s, lest they be accused of being the Anti-Christ

 

D.  Still tormented by the close call of when seven eight nine.

 

E.  There IS a difference. 6 of one is better than half-a-dozen of another!

 

 

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Published in: on March 21, 2017 at 12:43 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Cracked 5 … March 14th, 2017

 

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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In the classic movie, “Old Yeller,” a young boy is forced to shoot his dog because the animal has contracted rabies. Below are some alternate endings which the director rejected:

A. Turns out Old Yeller is faster than the boy. The dog runs away and joins the circus, disguising himself as “New Yeller.”

 

B. Old Yeller gets pissed and kills the boy–but absent mindedly returns home, where Dad promptly shoots him.

 

C. Old Yeller doesn’t have rabies. He just always hated the boy. That’s why he growls. They all have a good laugh.

 

D. The boy decides to shoot his dad and keep the dog.

 

E. Old Yeller is healed by an angel, and he and the boy regularly appear on the Christian Broadcasting Network, giving their testimony. (The dog also has the gift of prophesy.)

 

 

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Cracked 5 … March 7th, 2017

 

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Other Countries Presenting Challenges Which President Trump May Wish to Ban

A.  Britain: Suspicious nooks and crannies in English muffins

 

B.  Luxembourg: A spelling threat

 

C.  Canada: Not sure what they mean by “eh”

 

D.  Switzerland: Neutral?? My ass!

 

E.  Saudi Arabia: Since most of the 9/11 terrorists were citizens of it

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