Cracked 5 … July 25th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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 Reasons That Some People Escape a Tornado

A. Lightning rods, garlic wreaths and the fact that no rotating winds came in their direction

 

B. They don’t live in a mobile home park

 

C. Deep intercessory prayer and also that no rotating winds came in their direction

 

D. They got struck by a cyclone because they live south of the equator

 

E. It just flat-out missed them

 

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Cracked 5 … July 17th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Other Than the Traditional Transforming of Adam’s Rib, Different Things That God Considered Using in Making Woman

A. Turtle dove tears

 

B. Sugar, spice and everything with a price

 

C. Hairspray and bolts

 

D. Cadbury chocolate Easter eggs

 

E. Jawbone of an ass

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Cracked 5 … July 11th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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 Brief Conversations Between a Dog and a Cat

A.

Dog: Your hairballs make me puke.

Cat: Good. Then you’ll have something to slurp up.

B.

Cat: Your ears droop like they’re dead.

Dog: I can wag my tail!

C.

Dog: I run in the park.

Cat: I own the house.

D.

Dog: I am man’s best friend.

Cat: I am a woman’s revenge.

E.

Dog: I am good. I poop in the yard.

Cat: I am better. I poop in the house and convince them they can’t smell it.

 

 

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Cracked 5 … July 4th, 2017


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Some Other Ways to “Fire” a Cracker

A.  A lovely hummus laced with jalapenos to spread lightly over a crispy saltine. Ole!

 

B.  “Billy Bob, we can’ts use yous here at the feed store no more.”

 

C.  A blow torch. Not too close–to avoid scorching the wafer.

 

D.  Finely ground cracker crumbs packed into a bullet casing and discharged from a .22 caliber pistol–known as “Ritz Blitz.”

 

E.  Some folks would say: impeachment.

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Cracked 5 … June 27th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Ways to Celebrate Our Founding Fathers on July 4th Other Than Fireworks

A.  POWDER AND SNUFF

A cavalcade of powdered wigs and various opiates and hallucinogenic drugs inhaled and smoked by the Continental Congress

B.  REACH FOR A LEECH

Bring your family for a once-in-a-lifetime “placing of the leeches”–so they can see how the colonists attempted to cure all disease (paramedics standing by in case of great blood loss)

C.  “TAKE A NEGRO TO WORK” DAY

Call up one of your friends of color and take him to your job as your slave, complete with chains and desperate expression. Yes, you can be Tom Jefferson, and he can be just “Tom.”

D.  ODORATION

Come and experience various chambers with early American body odor sprayed in, to give you the experience of sniffing people who wore too many clothes and did not use deodorant.

E.  MUSKETING

Salute to the Second Amendment–a Revolutionary War Gun Show, complete with unreliable, sometimes exploding flintlocks, and a chart displaying that it would take approximately seventeen straight hours for a mass killer to murder 25 people with a musket. (That’s if everyone agreed to hang around for the re-loading.)

 

 

 

 

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Cracked 5 … June 20th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Five Father’s Day Gifts That Will Never Make It Out of the Box

A.  A “make your own” beef jerky kit

 

B.  A book entitled, “Finding the Mommy in your Daddyhood”

 

C.  A week’s membership at the “Him Gym”

 

D.  A bow tie–ANY bow tie

 

E.  An app with replacement words for cussing

 

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Published in: on June 20, 2017 at 2:34 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Cracked 5 … June 13th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3336)

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Five Reasons Your Dentist Should Not Double as Your Gynecologist

A. He is accustomed to pulling things

 

B. Proficient with drills

 

C. He gets his face a little close to his work

 

D. He is always looking for teeth

 

E. Just the wrong kind of  cavity

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Published in: on June 13, 2017 at 1:32 pm  Comments (1)  
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