Cracked 5 … July 4th, 2017


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Some Other Ways to “Fire” a Cracker

A.  A lovely hummus laced with jalapenos to spread lightly over a crispy saltine. Ole!

 

B.  “Billy Bob, we can’ts use yous here at the feed store no more.”

 

C.  A blow torch. Not too close–to avoid scorching the wafer.

 

D.  Finely ground cracker crumbs packed into a bullet casing and discharged from a .22 caliber pistol–known as “Ritz Blitz.”

 

E.  Some folks would say: impeachment.

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Cracked 5 … June 27th, 2017


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Ways to Celebrate Our Founding Fathers on July 4th Other Than Fireworks

A.  POWDER AND SNUFF

A cavalcade of powdered wigs and various opiates and hallucinogenic drugs inhaled and smoked by the Continental Congress

B.  REACH FOR A LEECH

Bring your family for a once-in-a-lifetime “placing of the leeches”–so they can see how the colonists attempted to cure all disease (paramedics standing by in case of great blood loss)

C.  “TAKE A NEGRO TO WORK” DAY

Call up one of your friends of color and take him to your job as your slave, complete with chains and desperate expression. Yes, you can be Tom Jefferson, and he can be just “Tom.”

D.  ODORATION

Come and experience various chambers with early American body odor sprayed in, to give you the experience of sniffing people who wore too many clothes and did not use deodorant.

E.  MUSKETING

Salute to the Second Amendment–a Revolutionary War Gun Show, complete with unreliable, sometimes exploding flintlocks, and a chart displaying that it would take approximately seventeen straight hours for a mass killer to murder 25 people with a musket. (That’s if everyone agreed to hang around for the re-loading.)

 

 

 

 

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Cracked 5 … June 20th, 2017


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Five Father’s Day Gifts That Will Never Make It Out of the Box

A.  A “make your own” beef jerky kit

 

B.  A book entitled, “Finding the Mommy in your Daddyhood”

 

C.  A week’s membership at the “Him Gym”

 

D.  A bow tie–ANY bow tie

 

E.  An app with replacement words for cussing

 

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Published in: on June 20, 2017 at 2:34 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Cracked 5 … June 13th, 2017


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Five Reasons Your Dentist Should Not Double as Your Gynecologist

A. He is accustomed to pulling things

 

B. Proficient with drills

 

C. He gets his face a little close to his work

 

D. He is always looking for teeth

 

E. Just the wrong kind of  cavity

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Published in: on June 13, 2017 at 1:32 pm  Comments (1)  
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Cracked 5 … June 6th, 2017


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Five Things You Should Always Consider When Interviewing for a Job

A.  Don’t say anything that could be misconstrued as a racist or sexist slur

 

B.  Don’t mock or bully other people who are also applying for the same position.

 

C.  Be humble as you tout your accomplishments (even if you built something)

 

D.  Don’t exaggerate, brag, intimidate, create false statistics or fake facts (This is a HUGE mistake)

 

E.  Establish yourself as a team player–don’t take credit for everything

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Cracked 5 … May 30th, 2017


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What the Fellow Did With His Collection of Hats After Discovering That His Hair Had Miraculously Started Growing Again

A.  Gave them to miracle-deprived, hairless hombres

 

B.  Used the hats in the bucket brigade to put out fires

 

C.  Made a great condom dispenser next to his bed

 

D.  Trimmed the hats to fit on the heads of frustrated bald eagles

 

E.  Ran through the meadow with a hat in hand, high in the air, gathering love vibrations from butterflies and bees, to present to his easily impressed young niece

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Cracked 5 … May 23rd, 2017


 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Reasons for the Existence of Reese’s Pieces

 

A. M & M’s not available for 100 miles

 

B. Actually, little turds from peanut butter rabbits

 

C. Weird people like and eat weird things

 

D. Poor shipping

 

E. Reese’s cups got stale

 

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