Cracked 5 … February 15th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Things Your Dog Would Tell You if He Could Speak

A. “I would rather spend my twelve years of living eating hot dogs instead of crunchy cornmeal pellets.”

 

B. “Trust me. Your crotch could use washing.”

 

C. “You are finally learning what I’ve always known. Cats are assholes.”

 

D.  “So you lost your job? Relax. I’ve got seven bones buried in the back yard.”

 

E. “Get in shape. You embarrass me on our walks.”

 

 

 

Sit Down Comedy … May 24th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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I thought I would send along today the ideas that give me the spine and create the backbone for my faith and human journey.

There happen to be ten of them—but this has nothing to do with the original Commandments, just more or less my relentless respect for the symmetry of a good essay.

1. Don’t be so shitty.

2. Create instead of bitch.

3. My opinion sucks.

4. Don’t speak in God’s name.

5. Politics makes assholes. Flee!

6. Get good enough that you can be humble instead of needy.

7. No help is coming. Learn to laugh!

8. No one is better than anyone else.

9. Pick up your trash.

10. Don’t try so hard.

That’s about it. I could elaborate, but I think that might be best left to you.

So here it is:

The Ten Principles in “My Heeling Dogma.”

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G-Poppers … July 27th, 2018

G-Pop is fully aware that upon reaching the thirtieth birthday, an assumption is made by the flourishing young ones that you are no longer viable. You are losing all relevance and heading toward a “grim meeting with the Reaper.”

There are those who try to keep up by pretending they are young, vibrant and athletic–just as fresh as they were before accumulating so many birthday candles. But no matter how much one thinks one might be spry, simply knowing the definition of the word “spry” eliminates one from the present generation’s vernacular.

There is a power in staying current.

There is an extreme blessing in aging gracefully.

And there is also an essential stubbornness that needs to remain with all of us over the age of thirty–simply to remind the younger generation of the filament that holds this old world together. Otherwise, it becomes not only posh, hip or cool to stay current with the numbering of I-Phones, but also makes some people think that all traditional values should be stuffed somewhere deep in Mississippi at a Bible camp.

So today G-Pop offers three ideas that must stay current–passed on by every generation as fresh thinking, fresh action and fresh life:

1. My life is my own responsibility.

2. It’s none of my business.

3. Good comes in all colors.

Because we have not been retaining these pillars of purpose, folks have started blaming other people for everything.

We stick our noses where they don’t belong, and judge the heart, soul and mind of every creature who only has one Judge

And we have begun to believe that culture (which is often just a masking for the color of skin) is so unique that we sometimes just can’t cross the lines to understand one another.

So in closing, be as young as you want. Go ahead and water ski with your grandchildren as long as you’re good friends with Ben Gay, but teach your children these three essentials of life.

Without them, we all become selfish, bratty, inconsiderate assholes.

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Good News and Better News… December 11th, 2017

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Pictured are my wife, my granddaughter and my son, standing in a bandshell, Weston Park, Florida.

Jerrod, my son, produced an outdoor concert with the cooperation of three churches and invited two of their praise bands, while putting together a dramatic reenactment of the Nativity tradition.

It was cold.

Usually in Florida, when it’s cold, people escape into their homes and pull out blankets they purchased twenty years ago, which are still in plastic wrappers. But for some reason, a respectable, decent and nearly surprising gathering braved the chill to come, sit in a park and listen to music that was jubilant, if not pitch-perfect.

They perched patiently as the story of Christmas unfolded before their eyes with deliberation, dodging a few technical gaffes. I was among them, along with my comrade-in-tunefulness, Janet Clazzy.

I was struck with the beauty of the evening.

It was not all drenched in serendipity. The audience was tribal, and much too linked to their own concerns to homogenize into a spiritual sweet butter, but setting that aside, it was proof positive that the Christmas story still has wheels.

Honestly, as they told the tale in front of me, I giggled a little bit. If I were hearing this fantabulous explanation for the first time, I wondered if I would shake my head in disbelief.

But you see, it’s not about what happened in a manger two thousand years ago. It’s about what transpired in a park last night in Weston, Florida.

If an idea that appeared two thousand years ago can put a chill down your spine, (and not just because the thermometer dipped) and still has real human emotion, then you’ve discovered magic.

Christians are not better people. We have our share of sinners, assholes, pedophiles and fruitcakes. But we have a great back-story.

Our Savior doesn’t kill people.

Our Savior doesn’t want to hurt women and children.

Our Savior is humble.

Our Savior sets people free instead of locking them up in bondage.

Our Savior isn’t religious.

Our Savior was one of us.

I left warmed. (Well, at least warm enough to get to my car and turn on the heater.)

Congratulations to my son, my daughter-in-law, my granddaughter and my wife for having the courage to test the message of the angels one more time.

The good news is, when “Oh Come, All Ye Faithful” get together, the better news is, it brings “Joy to the World.”

 

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G-Poppers… October 9th, 2015

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The mystery of history.

G-Pop wanted to tell all of his children about the theme of the human journey which never changes, even though we may feel overwhelmed by present circumstances.

History has a song.

It has been sung since the beginning of time and will continue to be performed until people are no more. If you understand this, then you will not be so prone to join the detractors and the fearful souls who select a dreary path of doom and gloom.

Kingdoms will rise, idiots will rule but life has a way of dispelling the stupid.

Sometimes it takes a year.

Occasionally it may take a generation.

But eventually, all bad ideas are toted away to the garbage dump, where they rot with their ridiculous predecessors.

So to understand the mystery of history, you must recognize what causes ideas to be faulty, falling by the wayside. If you don’t, you will listen to the newscast and be convinced that the present dictator, the threatening illness or the terrorist with a bomb will soon be at your doorstep to take away your life.

There are four warning signs for those who are ignorant of history and think they will be able to contradict it by being assholes:

1. Arrogance.

When you see it, run. Any group of people who believes they are better than other people will eventually be proven to be inferior. They may stomp; they may shout. They may fire cannons into the air. But arrogance is always punished, because the accompanying ignorance prohibits it from learning a better way.

2. Stealing freedom.

Yes, any individual or government that believes it can limit the freewill choice of human beings in order to promote righteousness or some other purpose ends up being overthrown because of its overgrown sense of importance.

3. Controlling.

There is no such thing as you having the keys to my life. You may think you do, but eventually the need to control overwhelms the dictator with too much responsibility, and he or she falls in disgrace.

If God is not going to control our lives, what makes you think that He would allow anyone else to do it?

There is no doubt about the fate of those who manipulate others. The only question is, how quickly will it happen?

4. Apathy.

The pseudo-intellectuals who believe they establish their intelligence by pooh-poohing simple ideas as being childish and meaningless, as they sit by and do nothing are eventually knocked off their pedestals by the blowing of a new spiritual wind.

You don’t get anywhere in life by being cynical. If you’re against the possibility of humans improving and growing just because you want to appear worldly and jaded, then you will be replaced by those who possess childlike faith.

• Napoleon was gone in 18 years.
• Hitler lasted 13.
• The Soviet Union survived about 70 years, and that’s only because World War II gave us a worse demon to chase.
• Al Qaeda can become ISIS, or destroy under the name of the Taliban, but all monsters end up chewing off their own legs and bleeding out.
• And China, in its present state, is struggling with oppression and the effects of attempting to squeeze people.

Do I need to mention all the people in history who believed in their misguided causes, and for a season, strutted across the stage, only to end up discarded after intermission?

The mystery of history is this:

Arrogant, freedom-stealing, controlling and apathetic people seem powerful … until the Spirit of Hope blows them away.

 

 

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