Sit Down Comedy …February 15th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Even though it was his last name, all the folks called him Baker—mainly because he owned a little shop which sold pies, cookies, cupcakes and cinnamon rolls.

Baker was a big man. That’s what his wife said. His mother said he was just chubby. But his enemies called him downright fat.

Baker did real well as a portly man, selling sweets. But one day he woke up and realized he wanted to do some self-improvement, trim his waist and certainly improve his bottom line. He lost one hundred pounds and started trying to pass along his healthy lifestyle by inserting all sorts of new ingredients into his pastries.

His profits began to match his weight loss. Nobody was coming—especially when he came up with a way to use low-calorie cricket flour, freshly ground from dried-out crickets.

One day a friend stopped in and said, “Baker, you need to do yourself a favor. Stop selling cupcakes. Everyone’s thrilled that you’ve lost weight, but the people who want to frequent your business have no desire to hear about healthy cupcakes. You don’t believe in cupcakes anymore so stop selling them.”

Likewise, Bill was a Congressman in Washington, D.C. He’d been elected four times. He was quickly becoming a professional politician who knew the ins and outs of the system. He was fully aware that the American way of governing was more about discussing the philosophy of an issue and supporting a political party than it ever did making progress. Matter of fact, Bill never passed a bill.

It’s time for us to walk up to Bill and say, “Stop being a Congressman. You’re not good at it. Get somebody else in there who still believes something can be done.”

The Reverend just got his third doctorate in theology—this one on the Greek translation of the New Testament. He has more books on his wall than the local library. He has some of the prettiest robes to wear on Sunday morning that you’ll ever see. But when Margaret came into his office, needing a word of encouragement over a difficulty she was having, the Reverend was at a loss on what to tell her. You see, the Reverend doesn’t really believe in God anymore, which means he really doesn’t believe in people that much, either.

“Reverend. Stop preaching! Sell insurance.”

Mark writes books about relationships. He thinks he’s got a best-seller because it talks about men and women—how different they are and how it’s natural for the sexes to be at war, and that through this war we still manage to come up with a way to continue the human race. You see, Mark is a chauvinist. He really thinks men are better than women, but he believes that a man’s smartest move is to pretend a woman is superior and then do whatever the hell he wants behind her back.

Mark is an asshole. Mark needs to stop writing books about men and women. They actually need to hear about the commonality between them instead of constantly being bombarded with their differences.

“Mark, maybe you could start writing for a newspaper. Or join the Reverend in the insurance game.”

Some people need to stop doing what they’re doing because they’ve stopped believing what they’re doing has any value or has potential to make things better.

Are you one of them? Are you like Baker, Bill, the Reverend and Mark?

Do the human race a favor—don’t pursue what fails to give you hope. And if you want to go on a diet, by all means stop selling cupcakes.

 

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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … August 20th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Dear Man: It really perturbed me.

 

Dear Woman: “Perturbed?” What an odd word.

 

Dear Man: Well, I didn’t want to use “mad” or “angry.” I was looking for a softer term and I came up with perturbed.

 

Dear Woman: So, what perturbed you?

 

Dear Man: I was listening to some pundit on television talk about sexual politics.

 

Dear Woman: Sexual politics… I don’t hear that much anymore.

 

Dear Man: No. because we’ve taken it for granted. Now we call it gender wars, battle of the sexes…

 

Dear Woman: And the reason it upset you?

 

Dear Man: Not everything is politics. Not everything is a struggle for power and money. There are so many lies, I wouldn’t know where to begin.

 

Dear Woman: And if you did begin, you wouldn’t be able to finish because sexual politics is big business. Billions of dollars are made every year in television, movies, books and seminars, keeping the conflict going, so there is a lot at stake to keep men and women at odds.

 

Dear Man: So you’re saying that in a battle for power and money, we pretend that there’s a battle for power and money.

 

Dear Woman: Basically. Here’s how I know. The truth is, women don’t get along any better with women than they do men, and men don’t get along better with men than they do women. Women vie for place and men kill each other in war.

 

Dear Man: Wow. I hadn’t thought of that. Actually, the human beings that get along best are men and women, because they do succeed in procreating and raising families.

 

Dear Woman: Sometimes. But when you add the dimension of politics, then it’s kind of like men become the Republicans and women are the Democrats.

 

Dear Man: I see what you mean. In other words, men are the level-headed pragmatists and women are the “feely-good” liberals.

 

Dear Woman: Exactly. So what I think needs to be done…

 

Dear Man: Let me step in here and tell you what I think. I believe we need to call it out every time we see it. Every time that smirk comes across the face of a man, or a woman takes on the profile of bitching and complaining about a male problem, we should step in and say that if men and women can’t get along, the human race is doomed.

 

Dear Woman: Well, of course it is. If 50% of the people are fighting 50% of the people, you have a 0% chance of survival. But keep in mind, this applies to civil rights, too.

 

Dear Man: What do you mean?

 

Dear Woman: There’s money to be made in civil rights. Keeping black people agitated and white people pumped up with a sense of superiority generates huge donations to causes and eliminates the common sense of finding things we share.

 

Dear Man: So do you think it’s sinister?

 

Dear Woman: No, I think it’s greedy. If you’re a comedian making millions of dollars off of sexual politics, why would you repent and try to find another way to make millions of dollars?

 

Dear Man: So without a quiet revolution which gradually makes prejudice taboo, we will live in an ignited atmosphere of sexual politics, which feathers the nest of those odd birds who want to make a living off of the struggle for more power and more money.

 

Dear Woman: Exactly. That’s why the most important thing to remember is that we have a human problem, not a gender problem. We have a human problem, not a race problem. We have a human problem, not a cultural problem. And we have a human problem, not battles between nations.

 

Dear Man: Sounds impossible.

 

Dear Woman: It does, doesn’t it? Of course, we could take the first step. You and I can agree.

 

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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … May 14th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Dear Man: If I remember correctly, I was eleven years old, in middle school, during gym class, and Miss Pontier shared with us girls. It was a rainy day and we were supposed to be playing softball. We were forced inside, and for some reason, our teacher decided to wax poetic about men.

 

Dear Woman: Really? What did she say?

 

Dear Man: As I look back on it, I realize that she was probably going through a hard time in a relationship, but she quickly–and kind of comically–explained to us the three things that men don’t do.

 

Dear Woman: This is interesting. What were her findings?

 

Dear Man: She said men don’t emotionally care about much of anything. Secondly, men find it difficult to carry on a meaningful conversation, and third–men don’t remember anything if it’s more than a week away and doesn’t involve food and beer.

 

Dear Woman: Wow. That’s pretty jaded. So what did you think at the time?

 

Dear Man: I thought she was the goddess of wisdom. Who was I to question her?

 

Dear Woman: I had a similar thing happen when I was playing junior high football. We were on the bus on the way to a game and the coach talked to us about girls. We were not just a captive audience, but captivated by the subject. He said that girls don’t like sports, they don’t like to be ignored, and they don’t ever want to be wrong.

 

Dear Man: I would assume you agreed.

 

Dear Woman: Well, from my lack of experience I decided to accept his insight.

 

Dear Man: You see–that’s the problem in our society. People think it’s funny to portray the other gender as ridiculous, stubborn or stupid. But once we think that they don’t do something, it colors our efforts, and pretty soon we translate it to “they won’t.”

 

Dear Woman: In other words, we take it personally.

 

Dear Man: Absolutely. So even though we feel the need to pair off and mate, we establish our main relationships within our gender, insisting that it’s impossible for a man and woman to get along completely.

 

Dear Woman: So let me get this straight. Because somebody tells us, for instance, that “women don’t do something,” we go out and confirm through our experiences, which are now prejudiced, that they won’t.

 

Dear Man: And it doesn’t stop there. Once we’re convinced they don’t and they won’t, we start believing they can’t. Despair sets in, disappointment, and a nagging resignation to having a relationship that is less than fulfilling.

 

Dear Woman: So we do a disservice to our children by telling them that the opposite sex doesn’t do things–because they will begin to believe they won’t, which makes them conclude that they can’t.

 

Dear Man: Yes. That’s why we have so much prejudice. Because if I believe you don’t do something, and I conclude you won’t, I disrespect you by thinking you can’t.

 

Dear Woman: So what can we do?

 

Dear Man: I think we can stop generalizing that men and women react as genders instead of individuals. It will block that deadly process that ends up with us thinking that the opposite sex is incapable of addressing our feelings.

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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … February 27th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Dear Man: What do you want from me?

 

Dear Woman: Well, I guess, everything.

 

Dear Man: Everything?

 

Dear Woman: Was that the wrong answer? Because if I said “nothing,” it wouldn’t sound very good.

 

Dear Man: I’m not trying to trick you. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot. I’ve come up with this idea of the “Flirty Thirty.”

 

Dear Woman: I’m listening…

 

Dear Man: I think as men and women what we really want from each other–30 percent of what we’re trying to acquire–is simply the knowledge that we’re attractive.

 

Dear Woman: I can see where that would be important.

 

Dear Man: And I don’t think it’s just man to woman. I think it’s also man to man and woman to woman. As human beings, we need to believe that we are viable to the tribe. Sexual.

 

Dear Womn: I think I’m getting your point. But do you think it’s possible to be considered sexual without trying to take it to the next stage, of having sex?

 

Dear Man: I not only think so, I believe we need to teach people that flirting and granting others the blessing of knowing that they’re part of the race, and they’re not a bunch of trolls or tree stumps, is necessary to their self-worth, without communicating that every boost of confidence is making a pass at someone.

 

Dear Woman: I think women do that to men by expressing admiration and respect.

 

Dear Man: I think it’s the same thing for women. Women want to be admired and respected.

 

Dear Woman: So what happens if the “Flirty Thirty” is misinterpreted, and you get other people jealous or it leads to a bunch of affairs?

 

Dear Man: Well, it does. That’s the problem. Because we’ve declared a war between the genders, we have begun to believe that the only thing that unites us is a mutual interest in sex. So we try to live on 30 percent of a relationship, which causes more romantic collisions than true encounters of mutual understanding.

 

Dear Woman: So what you’re saying is that if you flirt with me, you’re not saying you want to go to bed, you’re granting me the gift of knowing that you don’t find me repulsive, and you’re fully aware that somebody might want to go to bed with me?

 

Dear Man: Yeah, that’s kind of it. And the reason I say that men do it to men is because we have this phrase, “he’s a man’s man”–which really means that men think he’s so manly that they’re sure women would want him.

 

Dear Woman: And with women to women, it’s the imitation one woman has of another woman’s approach, which flatters her sexuality.

 

Dear Man: Yeah, I think so.

 

Dear Woman: So why don’t people talk about the Flirty Thirty?

 

Dear Man: Because they either put too much emphasis on sex or they approach it too casually, instead of realizing that the value of our sexuality is to become better humans.

 

Dear Woman: So what you’re saying is, if I don’t think I’m sexy, I may not have the oom-pah to give a damn about much of anything else.

 

Dear Man: Yeah. It may sound shallow, but it’s true. I need to feel attractive to attract, so that I can discover the real attractions of life.

 

Dear Woman: That was nicely said. So we’ve got the Flirty Thirty–what about the other 70 percent?

 

Dear Man: That’s enough for now, cutie.

 

Dear Woman: Cutie? You know, you’re right. It works.

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Which came first–the joke or the laugh? … September 14, 2012

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I need a God who laughs.

I’m afraid it’s kind of a deal breaker. If somebody came back from the dead, it’s probably the first thing I would ask. “Did you find the Almighty to be festive?”

I don’t know what I would do if He was serious. For truthfully, prayer makes me sleepy, singing hymns makes me hoarse, and fasting? Well, it makes me hungry. I certainly hope that’s not the best He has to offer.

I think there is good evidence for the contention that God is a rejoicer. Whether it’s a He or a She, you can certainly tell by many of the processes taken by the Heavenly Being–there is a giggle in there somewhere.

That is why I think that the laugh came before the joke.

I think God was laughing when He came up with the joke of humanity. I think it tickled His fancy to create a creature who was endowed with such tremendous potential and spirituality, but also flawed with a predilection towards mediocrity and infested with foibles.

You might ask where I get the idea that God came into this thing laughing. Let me start by asking you, “What was the purpose for creating the heavens and the earth?”  You might make the case that He was bored, but boredom is so boring. I think He was playful. I think He wanted to expand His own horizons by opening the door to new possibilities. I also feel He had a youthful spirit, because after creating the heavens and the earth, He got distracted and didn’t come back again for quite some time.

When He did make His way back to the earth, He found it pretty dormant–and pretty ugly. So He started to work, and after a full season of pouring His energy into the project, He closed out the endeavor with, “It is good.”

Honestly, can you say it is good with a frown on your face? Can you proclaim it is good with a nod and a yawn? How pleased He must have been the first time He saw mitosis, and one cell divided into two. It would make me laugh–watching that little blob of nothing wiggle and squirm until the one became twain. Great fun.

There are so many strange things He made that you have to believe there was an element of tongue-in-cheek involved in the decision. Please, someone explain a platypus to me. And how much knee slapping did He do over including a pouch on the kangaroo?

Yes, I believe laughter came before the joke–and candidly, I am much more comfortable with the notion that God finds us funny than I am with thinking that He is some sort of schoolmaster, looking for opportunities to flunk us out. For I have no problem with the Book of Proverbs citing that God laughs at our calamities. I would be frightened to death if every time we did something stupid God rolled His eyes or marked something down on a chart, or removed some of the furniture from my heavenly mansion. He can feel free to laugh at what I do–and hopefully, by and large, I can follow His example and laugh at myself.

I think we live in a generation when we want people to tell jokes because we know we need to laugh, but because we have forgotten how to laugh at ourselves, we need professionals to bring us comedy, relieving our tension through the experience. I like jokes, but I have much more fun laughing at life.

There’s so much that makes me laugh:

• Politicians arguing with each other? I’m sorry, it sends me into a giggle fest.
• Watching religious people do very religious things, hoping to achieve an immense religious result will just take me to a world of hilarity.
• And how the arts and entertainment community insists on finding the most obtuse story lines and pushing them to the forefront as examples of normal life is enough to make me fall off my chair in uncontrollable good cheer.

I need to know that God laughs. I certainly see plenty of proof that He has manufactured many practical jokes. Take romance, for instance. Was this ever supposed to actually have a flow, or even a rhyme and reason? The humor of our body parts, our interactions, our attempts to be sexy and just the general forced warfare between the sexes–it’s enough to make me (and I think maybe even God) sit back and smile away.

Which came first, the joke or the laugh?

I like to believe that the first time God said, “Let there be … ” it was preceded by a bit of a chortle. After all, if He wasn’t thrilled about what He made, how can he expect me to appreciate it? Yes, I believe the laugh came first, and then God, on the sixth day, created the joke.

And ever since, we human beings have gladly been providing the punch line.

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