Sit Down Comedy … June 28th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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What it takes to be a:

Politician—Finding yourself unexplainably interesting

Mother—Still not crying over spilled milk

Father—Hanging around to plan birthday parties

Football player—Surviving the hits

Farmer—First, plant yourself

Chauvinist—Act like a pig

Christian—Hate religion but love Jesus

Soldier—Take orders

Banker—Be-A-Count-Able

Butcher—A real cut-up

Blogger—Keeping your parents’ basement reasonably clean

Housewife—A house, a husband…a kitchen

Model—Cat-walking (no fur)

Singer—Croon in tune

Dancer—Stepping up to the routine

Professor—Be noteworthy

Poet—Making rhyme with your reason

Carpenter—Nailing it down and not screwing it up

Pilot—Staying high at all times

Salesman—Selling out

Uber Driver—Unoffended when angry people tell you where to go

Author—Finding the words, editing the turds

Doctor—Smooth operator

Lawyer—Making a federal case out of everything

Matador—Swooshing through the bullshit with your glorious cape

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Cracked 5 … November 14th, 2017

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Jonathots Daily Blog

(3491)

Last Confessions of a Turkey Before Thanksgiving

A. I tried to plump up my wife so they’d take her instead of me.

 

B. I acted really, really paranoid so the farmer would think I was “a chicken”

 

C. I made close friends with the butcher’s children

 

D. I pulled out all my feathers so they’d think I was diseased

 

E. I stopped using “fowl language”

 

 

 

 

PoHymn: A Rustling in the Stagnant … June 8th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(2958)

The I’s Keep Coming

I was raped

I am a rapist

I killed a gorilla

I aborted a fetus

I laughed at a vicious joke

I told the joke

I preached a sermon

I am a sinner

I am a virgin

I am promiscuous

I am a liberal

I am a conservative

I cheated on my taxes

I pay too much tax

I am saved

I am lost

I am Muslim

I am Hindu

I hate Jews

I despise Palestinians

I am a Christian

I am an atheist

I love animals

I butcher cows

I bully weaker folks

I pee in the pool

I am an American

I want to kill all Americans

I am a terrorist

I am terrified

I am a racist

I am considered inferior

I am a man

I am a woman

I want to die

I am dying

All God’s children

No respecter of persons

Papa’s love

Mystifying

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity