Cracked 5 … August 3rd, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Car Names Which Just Never Caught On

A. The Ford Partridge

 

B. The Volkswagon Cockroach

 

C.  The Dodge Fart

 

D.  The Chevy El Burrito

 

 E.  The Pontiac Pansy

 

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation for this inspirational opportunity 

 

Moratorium… December 18, 2012

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It worked with littering.

There was a time in our society when it was commonplace to dump your trash exactly where you were, even if it was on the street. It sounds bizarre today, but it’s true. Our country was becoming overridden with all sorts of teeming refuse. So what did we do?

We made it unpopular to litter.

In like manner, there was a season in our history when being prejudiced against people with color in their skin was not only deemed normal, but rational. We mock that kind of bigotry in this day and age. But how did we change it? We made hating people of different color stupid.

Take the case of abortion. There are not nearly as many abortions as there were at one time. I attribute that drop in the number of terminated pregnancies to a very simple statement that was uttered about two decades ago. It was a slogan which stated that “abortion should be legal, but rare.”

We are a people of great intuition when we actually decide to call out our foolishness instead of hiding behind civil liberties, individual choices, state’s rights and fear of admitting our wrongs. Here are some easy statements:

• Littering isn’t good because it makes a mess.
• Bigotry is a negative force because it alienates people who could be productive.
• Abortion needs to be guided in such a manner that human life is given the greatest respect possible.

Likewise, guns and violence need to be showcased for what they truly are and not what they are glamorized to be in order to generate the next blockbuster or promote an arcane freedom that is no longer useful to the common man.

I am declaring a moratorium.

For those of you who do not know what a moratorium is, it is a cease and desist order from my soul to the world around me, to proclaim that I will no longer indulge in a certain activity.

And what is that activity? Viewing, playing around with or musing over violence against human beings.

For instance, if we treated the car the same way as the gun, we would raise our children to believe that when they received their driver’s license, they should go out and drive as fast as they could, hit as many people as possible and dramatically crash into the side of a wall, leaping from the vehicle, giggling over surviving the ordeal.

After all, we don’t show guns being used to hunt deer. Nobody’s making a movie about the great fun one has at a target range. There are no documentaries presently being filmed about the various ways to clean a gun to make it look more presentable or work better. Every depiction of the gun in entertainment, news reports, warfare and even literature shows it as an implement to destroy, mutilate and murder human flesh.

Even within my own circle of friends and family, there are people who enjoy shows like Boardwalk Empire, Breaking Bad, True Blood, Dexter, CSI and other programming for which sole purpose is to show the decapitation, destruction and decimation of the human body. I know people who would insist they are peace-loving individuals who sit for hours with a video game, becoming mass murderers via a push of the button.

It’s time for a moratorium How would you enact that? I plan on fasting violence. I have no intentions of watching  shows that are geared to expelling blood from the body of human beings to kill them off for the purpose of entertainment. I am declaring it disgusting. I am tired of having our society littered with the belief that human beings are cattle which can be slaughtered and turned into hamburger Mine will be a three-step process:

1.  Fast violence. Stop watching death and destruction.
2. Cease to accept violence as legitimate entertainment, but rather, proclaim it to be what it is: genocide pornography.
3. Confront those who continue to watch it and ask them for their motivation.

I challenge my own children to join me in this endeavor. We cannot sit around and pretend we are appalled by what happend in our country as our children were gunned down in their school, and then pop in video games and movies that duplicate the same insane butchery.

I am not connoting that limiting violence in entertainment will eliminate these heinous acts. I am just saying that as sane people, when it is in our power to address a portion of the problem simply by dispelling the barbarian actions and irresponsible presentation of bloodshed, that we have a duty to stop littering our own minds and cease to encourage others who are weaker in spirit and character, to be tempted by the visions.

Violence is wrong. If you’ve ever been in a room when somebody cut their finger while dicing onions and you saw the horror on their face over a simple one-inch nick, you will grasp exactly how unnatural it truly feels for blood to leave our bodies.

So how can you watch the foul play as blood is sprayed everywhere across the screen, and think you’re doing anything but promoting a piece of insanity which will certainly eventually have to be tempered–or will be duplicated by the weak-minded.

I am declaring a moratorium. Today is my birthday and I am taking the license as a human being of maturity and experience to declare that I, for one, am going to fast violence. You want a place to begin? There you go.

And I will tell you that if enough people do this, entertainment will change, society will shift and gun use … will be legal, but rare.

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity

Fully Empty … December 20, 2011

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Jonathan in Miami

   

A good used car. It might seem to be an oxymoron but if you take care of your vehicle, check the fluids and drive sanely, it can remain faithful  to you beyond the normal miles of expectation.

 

Martin had such an automobile. He loved it–not in a weird way, but just with a deep sense of admiration and compatibility that he had developed with this particular mechanism over the years. Perfect seats, exactly situated for his frame from the steering wheel. Good heater. Nice radio. Started up every time, even on frosty mornings.  All the requirements necessary to create a lasting matrimony between man and machine.

 

Well, there was one thing. About two years into the relationship, the gas gauge on his dear friend stopped working. Well, that’s not exactly true. Better stated, it registered incorrectly. It was odd–because the gauge, rather than falling to the empty position in exhaustion from years of use, had instead propelled itself to a permanently stuck-up position, on full. So every time Martin started his car, the gas gauge touted that it was filled to the brim and ready for the longest trip that its owner could contrive.

 

Of course, it wasn’t true, but Martin found it very difficult to keep up with the actual gas level because of the over-zealous representation of the gauge. So after running out of gas for the second time because his memory had not stirred him to purchase fuel, but had somehow or another started trusting the braggart needle, he decided he had better take it to the shop to get it fixed. The mechanic explained that it was possible, but very expensive, and that the repair would be a bit unreliable and he would not be able to guarantee it.

 

So Martin pushed on, trying to accept the frailty of his ailing friend. But when he ran out of gasoline a third time, failing to remember to purchase the magic elixir because of the gas gauge registering full, he decided he had to do something. He went out and bought a roll of black electrician’s tape and carefully–and stylishly, may I add–taped over the screen of the gas gauge, completely blacking out any visibility. He deemed it better to go without a gauge than to trust one that told him he was always full.

 

The system worked. Oh, at first it was a little aggravating because Martin got tired of keeping track of his gasoline purchases, but eventually it made him realize that the only way to be full was to know you might be empty–because without emptiness, you are tempted to gauge yourself as full and sometimes forget the need to be fueled.

 

Actually, it made Martin a better man across the board. His attention to detail about his gasoline consumption helped him remember his anniversary and his wife’s birthday. He also noticed when the little boy was riding his bicycle across the road without paying attention to traffic and slammed on his brakes in the nick of time. He received a promotion at work because he perceived a need in the company’s planning before anyone else had seen it.

 

Martin never regretted having a bad gas gauge–and to this day, the black tape remains over the screen, forcing Martin to consider the emptiness of the tank every time he entered the vehicle. It was a most intelligent and valuable lesson.

 

If we always believe we’re full, we will never sense our emptiness–and even though religion, politics and pop psychology may want to gauge us as needing nothing, it is the sensation of hungering and thirsting that makes us yearn for righteousness, permitting us to become full.

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Merry Christmas! Listen to Jangled, below — the snazziest mix of Jingle Bells, Carol of the Bells and Silver Bells you’ll ever hear!

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To see books written by Jonathan, click the link below! You can peruse and order if you like!

http://www.janethan.com/tour_store.htm