Sit Down Comedy … August 21st, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Sit Down Comedy

10 Spontaneous One-Liners

1. “Kumquat—another name for a woman’s orgasm.”

2. “I shot an arrow into the air and where it fell…is now a crime scene.”

3. “The 2020 college football season has been fumbled away, fearing illegal motion.”

4. “Is Ridin’ Biden the best way to Thump Trump?”

5. “I went to a family reunion during an election year and escaped with a broken nose.”

6. “When Jesus walked on the water, he realized it was time to clean out the lake.”

7. “If you can’t be sexy, learn how to tell a good story.”

8. “If you’re a kid nowadays and your parents call you special, you don’t know if you’re brilliant or retarded.”

9. “I used to laugh at old people. Now I bitch at young folks.”

10. “If you would give me thirty seconds notice before the world comes to an end, I will gladly tell you what I really think about humus.”

The B. S. M. G. Report


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Overcoming the weak in my week,

I have sought what to seek

BAD

There’s nothing to be achieved by the impeachment of Donald J. Trump.

This is not a statement on his innocence or guilt, but rather, the acknowledgement that such an endeavor is beyond us during this time with the unfolding calendar of the United States of America.

The country is weary–its citizens exhausted.

There is too much to discern to maintain any will to continue to reason.

In less than a year, an election proposed by our constitution, will settle the matter.

Although there are those who insist “an awful lot can happen in a year,” or that they wish to “nail the lid” on a coffin that has already been constructed, I contend that the deed is too costly for what might be guaranteed.

For you see, as a young man I purchased an old, green, Bell Telephone van. It was pukey. But the ugliest part of it was the carpet inside, which ran from steering wheel to back door.

I hated it. It was greasy, grimy, stained and filthy. Anyone who got into my van and saw the floor was surely convinced that I was a no-good slob.

One day I took it upon myself to get rid of that damn carpet.

I will tell you—it had been placed in the van with a notion to keep it there until Jesus had his welcome-back party. I cut, I pulled, I tore and I ripped. I probably got a lifetime of carpet fibers and asbestos up my nose.

After about three hours, I finally ripped up the last piece of carpet, though little portions stubbornly remained.

The underneath floor was just as putrid, requiring me to immediately get another carpet put in.

When I arrived at the back door of the carpet store, where I had been promised free c arpet from left-over jobs, the manager looked in my van and said, “Why’d you tear the old carpet out? You should have shampooed it and then put new carpet on top.”

Here are the facts:

Whether you’re a MAGA enthusiast for the President or you believe he’s the anti-Christ, he was duly elected and is part of our bizarre American history.

If you want him gone, wait for the next election.

Clean him out of Washington.

And lay down a new layer of carpet.

Because impeaching is like tearing out carpet—it’s a helluva project and will leave you with a bigger job at the end.

SAD

Sitting in my chair watching television, I teared up.

Maybe I’m an emotional fool, but sometimes I cry because I realize the great potential and am inundated with the present reality.

As I watched, person after person after show after news broadcast conveyed one message:

“You can’t trust anyone.”

Sometimes it was said sadly, sometimes communicated in anger. But in all cases, it was a definitive proclamation that trusting humans is not only foolish but dangerous.

Yet it will certainly be difficult to solve problems when the people we need to help us have become our enemies.

MAD

I don’t want to be a whiner.

I don’t want to be one of those kinds of guys who bitches about things and refuses to leave well enough alone.

And even though I have an abiding joy in watching college football, I am greatly disturbed at how it is gradually becoming America’s modern-day slave market.

57% of the college football athletes are black.

That is compared to 13% of the general population being that color.

Only 2.8% of the students on campuses are African American.

But 70% of the fan base of college football is Caucasian.

On top of that, sports announcers have begun to discuss the athletes as if they’re specimens instead of human beings.

  • “He has a huge, massive chest.”
  • “Look at his rock-hard abs.”
  • “He has thighs twice the size of a normal boy his age.”
  • “He looks like Adonis.”

At first hearing, you might think these are compliments, but actually they are observations—the same kinds of asides spoken by slave-traders as they walked among the young black men, stolen and brought over from Africa.

Granted, some of these young men may be headed for the National Football League, to make much money, unlike their unfortunate ancestors. But this does not rationalize the attitudes, terminology and carelessness with which these human beings are regarded.

Meanwhile, not many people are concerned about their education, integration into human life or even their communication skills.

It is racist.

It may be a gentle racism, or even an entertaining one—but it is racist.

Let’s not get rid of college football, but please—let us cease and desist with the plantation talk.

GLAD

There are three outstanding statements that must be honored for the human race to continue to run well.

1. All humans are created equal.

2. In the kingdom of God, there is neither male nor female.

3. Don’t judge unless you want to be judged.

Every time one, two or dare I say, all three of these, link up to form a circle of understanding, my soul rejoices.

So when “Black Lives Matters” arrived along with the “Me Too Movement,” complete with a new awakening of patriotism in this nation, I didn’t see campaigns at war with one another.

We are gradually beginning to grasp that these ideas, along with many others scattered out there, are like the yarn of understanding that must be knit together, to help us endorse our equality, our genders uniting, and the removal of prejudice.

May they create the circle of understanding that is unbroken.

Cracked 5 … September 26th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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cracked 5 logo keeper with border

Various Ways You Know It Is Fall

A. Annoying young people at churches are trying to sell you pumpkins

 

B. College football returns, with too much attention being placed on boys who still use pimple cream

 

C. You are told that donuts and cider go together

 

D. There is a chilling in the air that you have to start scraping off your windshield

 

E. The trees publicly give up hope and drop their leaves

 

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Cracked 5 … January 12th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Best Ways to Win a College Football National Championship

A. Carefully find legal steroids.

 

B. Pray before the game, cheat during the game, drink after the game.

 

C. Confiscate all the college finance for really cool, shiny helmets

 

D. Have plenty of colorful players–as long as they don’t date your daughters.

 

E. Be grumpy and surly and insist it’s because you are a relentless perfectionist.

 

Cracked 5 College Football Coach

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Cracked 5… September 29th, 2015

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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cracked 5 logo keeper with border

Some Major Changes In College Football Following the Results of Saturday’s Games

A. They-tah, We-tah, Utah

 

B. Apparently, Ar-CAN’T-Saw

 

C. Arizona is definitely a state for retired people

 

D. Auburn has returned to being a shade of women’s hair color

 

E. The Oregon Ducks officially became the Oregon Sucks

 

football girl

 

 

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