Cracked 5 … May 30th, 2017


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What the Fellow Did With His Collection of Hats After Discovering That His Hair Had Miraculously Started Growing Again

A.  Gave them to miracle-deprived, hairless hombres

 

B.  Used the hats in the bucket brigade to put out fires

 

C.  Made a great condom dispenser next to his bed

 

D.  Trimmed the hats to fit on the heads of frustrated bald eagles

 

E.  Ran through the meadow with a hat in hand, high in the air, gathering love vibrations from butterflies and bees, to present to his easily impressed young niece

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Cracked 5 … April 25th, 2017

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Startling Revelations About the Bluebird of Happiness

A. Recently humiliated during a “60 Minutes” interview because he couldn’t define happiness.

 

B. Changing gender, hoping to become the Pink Bird of Happiness

 

C. No one under 50 knows who he is

 

D. Turns out he’s not blue, just hasn’t bathed for a while

 

E. Not happy–just drunk

 

 

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Cracked 5 … April 18th, 2017

 

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Reasons You Suddenly Come Up With On the Spot Why You Woke Up During Spring Break With a Hangover, Your Best Friend Lying Next to You in Your Bed

A. He had a nightmare roaming the halls, seeking cuddly comfort

 

B. He got chilly, blanketless

 

C. He peed his bed, then drifted in your direction

 

D. Hostile bedbugs in his room

 

E. He lost his clothes at strip poker and had nowhere else to go

  

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Cracked 5 … April 11th, 2017

 

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Lines From Amish Porno Movies

A.  “Me hay be stacked to the rafters.”

 

B.  “Looks to me like milkin’ time!”

 

C.  “Me buggy has strong shocks.”

 

D.  “How about thee and me do some corn squeezins’?”

 

E.  “Your black brim makes me moist in me minny-sota.”

 

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Cracked 5 … March 28th, 2017

 

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Ways You Can Tell a Watermelon is Ripe

A.  Thump it three times on its yellow underbelly, listen for a hollow response…and then take it home and cut it open.

 

B.  Get very close to the melon at four different locations on its circumference and sniff it, breathing in deeply…(and then take it home and cut it open).

 

C.  Pray over it, laying hands on the surface with a fervent and effectual method…and then, of course, take it home and cut it open.

 

D.  Look carefully for a dark green shade covering the sphere of the entire melon and match it up to others to make sure you’ve achieved the correct hue…and then quickly take it home and cut it open.

 

E.  Take a few weeks to develop a friendly relationship with the produce man at your grocery store and then ask the gent if he would kindly help you pick one of the watermelons he is pretty sure is ready to go…and then TAKE IT HOME AND CUT IT OPEN!!

 

 

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Cracked 5 … March 21st, 2017

 

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Matters Which Traumatize the Number 6

A.  Inexplicably forced to pick up sticks with 5

 

B.  Hoodlum family members getting mixed up in 6-packs

 

C.  Forbidden to gather with two others 6’s, lest they be accused of being the Anti-Christ

 

D.  Still tormented by the close call of when seven eight nine.

 

E.  There IS a difference. 6 of one is better than half-a-dozen of another!

 

 

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Published in: on March 21, 2017 at 12:43 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Cracked 5 … February 28th, 2017

 

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Things a 6-Year-Old Kid Thinks That March Madness Might Be

A. Darlene thinks March Madness is Mommy screaming while she cleans the house

 

B. Brendan envisions it as really angry little boys tramping in the hallway

 

C. Julie just assumes it means that March is the “angry month.”

 

D. Lily is convinced that March Madness is an aunt who has come to visit, who cries a lot because she was just divorced from an a-hole

 

E. Marco thinks it must be a crazy, wacky salute to John Phillip Sousa, who thought Stars and Stripes were forever

 

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