Cracked 5 … December 19th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3526)

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Very Unusual Birthday Wishes

A. “Thought you were dead. Now that I know you’re alive, it gives me a chance to kill you.”

 

B. “I knew your mother. You could be my bastard.”

 

C. “We baked your birthday cake. Unfortunately, our dog, Fritzenrod, peed on it, so please don’t eat.”

 

D. “I was going to buy you a birthday present–then realized you were not that shallow.”

 

E. “The ancestors of John Wilkes Booth found out you had the same birthday as him. They changed his.

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Cracked 5 … November 14th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3491)

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Last Confessions of a Turkey Before Thanksgiving

A. I tried to plump up my wife so they’d take her instead of me.

 

B. I acted really, really paranoid so the farmer would think I was “a chicken”

 

C. I made close friends with the butcher’s children

 

D. I pulled out all my feathers so they’d think I was diseased

 

E. I stopped using “fowl language”

 

 

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Cracked 5 … August 22nd, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3406)

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Things God Thought About Creating Instead of Humans

A.   Computers–could have skipped one million years of murder, adultery and bad sitcoms

B.   Carb-free pasta. Certainly a better choice.

C.   Talking monkeys. Washington, D. C.??

D.   Paint with a brain–artsy-craftsy

E.   Grass that makes music, instead of musicians making music using grass

 

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Cracked 5 … August 15th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3399)

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Things Billy Joe McCrow Packed for His Weekend Rally with the Klan in Charlottesville, Virginia

A. Stars and Stripes boxers

 

B. Hair gel for his chest and back

 

C. Song book: “The Ku Klux White Album”

 

D. His “I’m part of the Super Race” T-shirt

 

E. “God Bless America” pasties for his exotic dancer girlfriend, Frieda

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Cracked 5 … August 8th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3392)

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Things a Pirate Might Bring or Wear to a Church Service

A.  2 eye patches (to eliminate lust altogether)

 

B.  His “Holey Bible,” which slides easily onto his hook

 

C.  A cross to replace the peg in his leg

 

D.  A “prayer rat” instead of his usual parrot

 

E.  A praise bandana

 

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Cracked 5 … July 25th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3378)

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 Reasons That Some People Escape a Tornado

A. Lightning rods, garlic wreaths and the fact that no rotating winds came in their direction

 

B. They don’t live in a mobile home park

 

C. Deep intercessory prayer and also that no rotating winds came in their direction

 

D. They got struck by a cyclone because they live south of the equator

 

E. It just flat-out missed them

 

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Cracked 5 … May 30th, 2017


 Jonathots Daily Blog

(3322)

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What the Fellow Did With His Collection of Hats After Discovering That His Hair Had Miraculously Started Growing Again

A.  Gave them to miracle-deprived, hairless hombres

 

B.  Used the hats in the bucket brigade to put out fires

 

C.  Made a great condom dispenser next to his bed

 

D.  Trimmed the hats to fit on the heads of frustrated bald eagles

 

E.  Ran through the meadow with a hat in hand, high in the air, gathering love vibrations from butterflies and bees, to present to his easily impressed young niece

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