Jesonian … October 21st, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(3466)

Even though I am an admirer, believer and follower of Jesus, there are things that bother me.

Yes, some attributes of Jesus give me the creeps.

Let’s start with the fact that he claimed to be “one with God.” Normally when folks make such an assertion, we give them a free trip to a mental hospital instead of building churches in their name. “I am God”–the classic statement made by megalomaniacs throughout history.

Secondly, he seemed to have a strong death wish. About halfway through his work, he became obsessed with his own execution. Needless to say, this is repeated throughout history by leaders who ended up being nefarious.

Can I give you a third one? How about this–he invited his disciples to drink his blood. That’s creepy. Although you can point out that it was a symbolic act, I don’t like to think about even symbolically taking in hemoglobin.

And there is the fact that he is traditionally reported to have stayed away from sex. Although surrounded by women and a plethora of men, it is alleged that he was as pure as the driven snow. We can certainly attest to the fact that those who pursue that lifestyle often end up being perverted, using their abstinence to injure the lives of others.

I’m sorry, these are some creepy things.

If I walked into your house and said, “Hey, did you hear about that guy down in Texas who thinks he’s God, hangs around with a bunch of women but says he abstains from sex, prophesies that the government is going to come and kill him, and it is reported that he makes his followers drink his blood…”

Come on. This is going to freak you out.

So why, since I know all these creepy things, do I still follow Jesus? It’s because of what he taught and how he followed up with it in his own life.

His teachings were non-violent. Most people who claim to be God want to kill you to prove the point.

Jesus didn’t care if you didn’t believe. He just went to another village.

His teachings were forgiving. Even though his disciples were a bunch of hotheads who wanted to kill their enemies, he rebuked them, told them to put their swords away and taught them that no one is better than anyone else.

His teachings were inclusive. Even though the average Jew of his day had a hit list of cultures which needed to be destroyed, Jesus walked freely with the Romans, the Greeks, the Samaritans, the Jews and the Afrikaans. He gave the same respect to everyone, whether a Pharisee or a man possessed with a thousand demons.

He also loved human beings. Even those who hated him.

He refused to take his claims of supremacy and force other people to submit to them. His philosophy was, “Whosoever will may come.”

So here’s an amazing fact: Jesus’ claims become viable because of his actions. It’s not that his actions are worth studying because of his claims.

I can accept some oddities in his choices, phrasing and mannerisms because his life was drenched in love.

Love is not creepy.

 

 

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Cracked 5 … August 1st, 2017

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Jonathots Daily Blog

(3385)

Creepy Things Your Mom and Dad Say When They Walk Up, Trying to Be Cool, and You’re Hanging Out With Your Friends

A. “Had a bowel dissected last week. Went well, though.”

 

B. “They said the clog in the tube was the largest one they’d ever seen–dark and gritty.”

 

C. “Funny thing–the nurse had the same operation last year, but they had to pump her for an hour.”

 

D. “I watched so much television I finally caught an interview with Kim Kardashian. She really does have a big butt. Smart–but a whopper backside.”

 

E. “Listen, kids–eat more fiber. My doctor said it will save you from walkin’ around with a bag hangin’ off your belt.”

 

Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … October 15th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(3095)

Man: I’ve been really looking forward to talking to you about all this craziness in the political scene.

 

Woman: It’s really wacky, isn’t it?

 

Man: Yes, but I get tired of evaluating other people’s actions. The whole discussion got me thinking about my own conversations, interactions and dialogue with women. Am I saying the right things?

 

Woman: Do you think there are right things to say?

 

Man: Yes, I do. Matter of fact, I would like you to explain how some of the common phrases exchanged between men and women–well, how do they sound to you?

 

Woman: Well, I wouldn’t exactly know because we’re not in the moment.

 

Man: I get that. But can we try to discuss it?

 

Woman: Sure. Give me an example.

 

Man: Let’s say I just met you for the first time, and I walked up and said, “You’re so beautiful.” What would you think of that?

 

Woman: I think I would giggle inside. I wouldn’t be offended. But I also would know that you were coming from a school of thought which taught you that women need compliments in order to be opened up.

 

Man: You see–that’s great! Thank you. How about this? “I find you attractive.”

 

Woman: Actually, what you’re saying is that you see me as attractive, but you have no idea if my whole being is attractive to you or not.

 

Man: A third one. “Do you find me interesting?”

 

Woman: You’re asking me if you pass the “eyeball test.” In other words, is your face, body and physical being acceptable enough to catch my attention?

 

Man: How about, “Can I buy you a drink?”

 

Woman: Kind of weird.

 

Man: “Are you alone?”

 

Woman: Kind of stalker-creepy.

 

Man: “Do you think we could get together?”

 

Woman: Sounds like you suffer from over-confidence and have spent too much time speed-dating.

 

Man: I’ve heard that women like a more direct approach. Like this; “I think we should have an affair.”

 

Woman: Maybe when women are sitting around a table having consumed some alcohol, they pretend to be brave enough to field such an inquiry, but if a guy actually did that, we probably would desperately need to laugh out loud.

 

Man: And I would assume that laughing at a man is not a good sign, right?

 

Woman: Not unless he’s telling a joke.

 

Man: So what if it was a thoughtful question, like, “Are you experienced?”

 

Woman: Are you trying to hire a plumber, or a prostitute?

 

Man: You see, this is a great discussion. And maybe you don’t have the answer to this, but what do you think would be good, as a way to opening the door of possibility to another person?

 

Woman: Forgive me, but I think corny works. And by corny, I mean just awkward enough to know that the line hasn’t been rehearsed a thousand times in the mirror. I would be interested in any person–male or female–who would simply ask me, “Would you like to talk?”

 

Man: I like that. Will women respond well to that?

 

Woman: Probably not. Because we females have become so jaded by the Neanderthal approach toward sexuality. I think it would be nice if a man would just say, “I’ve been observing your interactions with people of all ages and I find your approach interesting.”

 

Man: Doesn’t that sound a little bit like a stalker, too?

 

Woman: Maybe, but not stalking to kill. Just watching to learn.

 

Man: So as a woman, what do you want to receive in the initial encounter?

 

Woman: Equity. Equal footing. The realization that I have a life that is real and functioning, and that I’m not waiting for a man to come along and complete me. So I’ll tell you a great question. I would be really impressed if a man would ask me, “What is your calling?”

 

Man: That sounds too old-fashioned.

 

Woman: Good. Old-fashioned isn’t bad just because it comes from a different era. Old-fashioned is still around because it’s worked.

 

Man: What I got out of our conversation is that any inclination toward physicality, sex, romance or even hooking up needs to be removed from the tone of the words, or it’s too shallow to wade into.

 

Woman: Very good. And keep in mind, romance is the by-product of a mutual understanding.

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The Night Visitor… October 2, 2013

Jonathots Daily Blog

(2024)

He comes very late at night, although I think he would insist it is actually early in the morning.

You see, that’s the problem. He not only has his own opinions, but definitions for terms that are separate from mine.

The creepy part is that he insists he IS me–and in my weakened state of sleepiness, I find it difficult to resist his will.

• He has the same memories I do.
• He has many similar beliefs.
• He has encountered the emotional conflicts and victories which are part of my history.

But physically, he is smaller. Yes, he takes up less room. And he lets me know it.

He shares ideas with me which certainly make sense in the dim light of the evening, which don’t come to mind when I’m in the shining light of the day. He has four repetitive, nagging subjects:

1. Why didn’t you act kinder?
2. Do you really think you’re achieving your goal?
3. Why do you think you can continue to be so fat and survive?
4. Wouldn’t it be easy to change these things?

You see what I mean?

It’s an annoying mixture of reality, self-righteousness, valid points and impossibilities.

But when I’m lying there on my bed, it does make sense. I do feel the inadequacy and the conviction to improve my situation. But somehow or another, this vigorous being who visits by night is completely vanished by the morning light, leaving me with the emotions of upheaval without the step-by-step solutions to victory.

Yes, I am abandoned.

It doesn’t make me angry. It doesn’t make me sad. It just baffles me enough that I want to eat something. It triggers the worst part of my appetites, which are devouring my future birthdays.

I want to figure out how to turn the conversations with my night visitor into a true motivation, to trim up the areas of my life that have caused me to become lumbering and clumsy.

But how can I retain the impact of the midnight confession into breakfast time  and the construction of a realistic “things to do today” list?

The truthful answer is I don’t know.

I’m not sure if my visitor is an incriminator to demean me or an angelic presence trying to spur me on to more noble causes. I’m not positive that the encounters I have with him are beneficial or just aggravating enough to cause me to slip a little further down the rock-slide of bad habits.

But I guess it’s just like everything else–if we view it as good, we can somehow carve it into a position to strengthen us. If we view it as bad, it can be used to discourage us and leave us wanting.

There are parts of the philosophy of my night visitor that I desire to possess. Honestly, I can’t be as hard on myself at ten o’clock in the morning as he is at two o’clock in the morning.

But if I can take bits and pieces, maybe I can launch a great idea which could eventually cause the man that I am during the day to make peace with the visitor who comes by night.

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The Mars and Venus War … July 14, 2013

Jonathots Daily Blog

(1943)

I think it would have to be a really creepy laboratory–moss hanging from the rafters, bats flying by at odd intervals, spider webs and very little light. I mean, if you’re going to create a castle to experiment on how to destroy mankind, you might as well make it ominous and bizarre.

In this hostile environment, you must sit down and draft a hideous plan.

You could simulate the demise of humankind by creating a race war: black against white, red against yellow, brown against tan. But here’s the thing–human sexuality has us falling in love with all sorts of different colors, and eventually, on this little orb called earth, we will probably end up being the color of the dust from which we were created.

Perhaps in your laboratory you could propagate a religious war–where the faithful of one inclination decide to go on a crusade to destroy the infidels of another. But you see, human beings are strange. There are always a few–be they Muslim, Christian, Jew, Hindu, or any other number of faith flavors–who come along and preach brotherhood, goodness, kindness and mercy.

I suppose you could try to use global warming, thermonuclear war, terrorism or some other frightening specter to dispel life from our planetary home. But we always seem to find some ingenious person who comes up with a great idea just in the nick of time–to make a light bulb instead of cursing the darkness.

So I think what I would do in MY sinister arena is promote an ongoing conflict between men and women that is masked by comedy–but at its root is a nasty bit of viciousness which eventually causes the two genders to lose desire for one another, believing the linking to be futile.

Yes. Just convince everybody on earth that men and women are incapable of getting along, and pretty soon you’ll have fifty per cent of the people fighting the other fifty per cent. What a devious stroke of macabre genius!

And then, here is the final unbelievable addition: you’re able to convince EVERYBODY that it’s true, whether they’re conservative or liberal, Christian or Jew, north or south, circumcised or uncircumcised–English muffin or bagel.

Then you can sit back in glee and watch the whole carnival implode on itself as one tiny little Calliope breathes its final notes.

OR … we could realize that God made men and women. He made physical differences so we could pleasure one another and also procreate the planet. Pretty good system. (Please note that God rarely asks us to do anything that improves our situation without giving us pleasure in the process…)

He told both man and women that they had dominion over the earth. He told both of them that they were equally responsible for caretaking the territory. Matter of fact, if you want to follow the theme of the story, woman came from man. How different could she be?

Yet we insist that somehow or another, through the manipulation of our culture, the laziness of our ethics and the backwardness of our theology, that men and women are just hobgoblins to each other.

If you will allow me: God made male and female.

The physical differences between us create the potential for continuing our existence. Yet the Father said “in the kingdom of God, there is neither male or female.” That means when we actually reach out of ourselves to higher thoughts, deeper spirituality and greater understanding, both genders take the same journey.

If you happen to be a Christian, you believe that the promise of your Messiah came through a woman. After all, it was a virgin birth, with some assistance from the Divine but none from Joseph.

The truth is, none of us know exactly what the differences are between men and women because no one has tried to accentuate the similarities. We truthfully spend more time figuring out our commonality with the porpoise and the chimpanzee than we do with Dick and Jane. It not only creates inequality, it fails to energize the potential which exists by the fusion of the two sexes in unity instead of conflict.

So I will not join in.

Any female member of the species who wants to come into my space will be treated as a human being, and the anticipation will be that she can pull her own load and she will be heard in all circumstances. I’m looking for reasons to get along instead of poking holes into the possibility of great fellowship.

So if you want to join this generation’s slide into insanity by negating one another based upon our sexual organs, you can feel free. it’s a very popular idea. But if we’re going to survive, we’re going to need each other–women and men.

And if you believe men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and you’re not prepared to build a space ship–be prepared to have the planet you so adore diminish in beauty, because there aren’t two caretakers.

 

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity

Please contact Jonathan’s agent, Jackie Barnett, at (615) 481-1474, for information about personal appearances or scheduling an event