Cracked 5 … August 14th, 2018


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3765)

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Since the mustache continues to persist (like the flu) here are some types to be looking out for:


The Bushy Broom

(Sweepin’ those gals off their feet)


The Magic Marker

(Probably put on with a magic marker)


The Caterpillar

(Creepy, with no possibility of turning into a butterfly)


The Dictator

(Will all hairs please report to the middle of the lip?)


The Sparse Farce

(Time to face it. You can’t grow a mustache)

 

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Cracked 5 … July 31st, 2018


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3751)

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What We Have Learned This Year About Porn Stars

A. They are called stars without doing great or being known

 

B. They take hush money but don’t hush

 

C. They have colorful names–and STDs

 

D. They bonk and tell

 

E. A strong return to the word “allegedly”

 

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Cracked 5 … July 24th, 2018


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Little Known Facts About Vladimir Putin

A. He wants to bury us–in glitches

 

B. His favorite color is pink

 

C. What he lacks in heart he makes up for in hate

 

D. He thinks pouty is sexy

 

E. He enjoys collecting the knuckles of his enemies

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Cracked 5 … July 17th, 2018


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Things the Queen of England was Overheard Saying

A. “Crowns make my face look fat”

 

B. “How does one get promoted from here?”

 

C. “I have castle but I’m not allowed to behead serfs.”

 

D. “I have a large boat and a rock group named after me. Eat that.”

 

E. “Met Donald something or other…”

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Cracked 5 … July 10th, 2018


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Due to years and years of startling mental and emotional abuse, these are some of the things that Charlie Brown from the “Peanuts” cartoon might have done when he grew up and became a serial killer

 

A. Suggest that Peppermint Patty and her lesbian lover camp out in his murder van

 

B. Break Schroeder’s piano into tiny little pieces and force-feed them into his mouth, causing him to choke and die in his overstated, melancholy way

 

C. Cut off Lucy’s head, carve out the brain and fill it with nickels

 

D. Continue his bizarre relationship with Snoopy, his dog, even allowing the beast to become his partner in crime, barking out favored victims

 

E. Cut the voice box out of all the annoying parents and teachers–and once and for all get rid of the goddamn squawking

 

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Cracked 5 … July 3rd, 2018


Jonathots Daily Blog

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The Reason Fireworks Make a Lot Of Sense for July 4th

A. They make a lot of sound but not much sense

 

B. They sparkle but quickly fizzle

 

C. You can blow things up

 

D. “God Bless America” doesn’t sound quite so arrogant

 

E. They’re cheap

 

 

 

 

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Cracked 5 … June 26th, 2018


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3715)

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Ways a Magician Describes His Sex Life

A. “Abracadooher”

 

B. “Open says me”

 

C. “Wavin’ my magic wand”

 

D. “My rabbit is in my hat”

 

E. “Can I have a volunteer from the audience?”

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