Cracked 5 … March 28th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

 

Treatments That Do Not Work for Covid-19

 

A.  Chicken soup sucked through a straw while listening to mariachi music

 

B. Bible reading—even from the original Greek

 

C.  Blaming the Chinese for starting the damn thing

 

D. Tuning in on the endless reports. (Does your wolf blitzer?)

 

E.  The Magic 8 Ball

 

 

 

Sit Down Comedy … March 20th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Sit Down Comedy

The natural order did not feel that plaguing us with a Presidential election was enough. Apparently, what was needed was a virus, which has scared us all into our corners to ruminate. I don’t know about you, but I have found that rumination is a skill that demands tremendous effort, patience and a certain degree of intelligence.

So it will be difficult to assess how long we will all be able to sustain our positions—until, like all creatures great and small, we try to fight our way free because we’ve been cornered.

I rely on a practice which I’ve used daily for many years. It seems on point for this situation. I call it:

“The Ten Questions I Ask Myself Every Day.”

Honestly, on some occasions, I don’t spend much time musing over them. But I do have them written down, and I do take the space to respect the exercise, and at least afford some sort of answer.

I thought you might be interested in them, and if you aren’t, this is an excellent place to stop reading.

****

1.Why in the hell are you so afraid?

(Remember, I’m asking myself.)

Fear is one of those luxuries we afford ourselves, even though we know it has no value. After all, there are rumors that individuals have been scared to death, but never any reports of humans being scared to life.

2. Can you identify your prejudice?

This forces me to admit that I am still prejudiced, even though I’ve worked on it. But since my upbringing was mostly out of my control until my late teens, I accumulated a lot of misinformation that still needs to be rummaged through and placed in the garbage heap.

3. Can you work on your diet without cheating?

I’m a big, fat boy, so I am constantly dieting. But even if I were slender, I would still have to work on my diet to ensure I maintain my nutrition, so I could use my vitamins and minerals to fight off…viruses.

But can I do what I do without cheating? And by cheating, I mean making promises to myself that I know I will not keep.

4. Can you stop lying?

Of course I can.

Actually, when you boil down the hours, minutes and seconds it takes to maintain a life of lies, it is much more time-intensive to be a deceiver than a truth-teller. I guess the question is, can I finally convince myself that I’m always going to get caught in my lie.

5. Can you slow down without stopping?

I know this sounds a little weird, but often we feel we have two gears: a dead stop or a deadly speed. Sometimes it’s good to know how to do a little less but still make it look like it’s the same amount. It’s in the slow-downed times that we discover the things that are worth speeding up for.

6. Can you consider multiplying your talents?

The deadliest words that can come off anybody’s lips are, “I don’t have any talent.”

We all do. It’s just the difference between having a single stick and two sticks. One stick is usually a weapon. Two sticks can be rubbed together to make a fire.

Can I take my abilities to make more abilities, so I will have the ability to survive?

7. Are you always attempting to maintain good cheer?

It’s important to know what good cheer is. It’s not a facial expression, nor a giggle, nor a spate of silliness. Good cheer is honestly knowing that fear and bitching will get you nowhere. So you might as well manufacture a better outlook.

8. Can you avoid arguing with people and just live out your heart?

We argue because we want people to approve us.

I’m not going to argue with you. I know what’s in my heart. I know it’s not going to hurt anybody, and I have a pretty good idea how to live it out.

9. What does love look like today?

Love looks different every single day. Sometimes it’s stealing kisses. Other times it’s giving space. Frequently, it’s quietly respecting without inserting an opinion. And on occasion, it’s intervening.

Wisdom is knowing which love to use today.

10. And finally, did you murder, blame and shame?

I become completely useless when I blame the world around me for my circumstances. And I topple from useless into despair when I take all the shame upon myself.

I don’t care who’s to blame.

And I will not allow you to place the shame on me.

***

Now, I realize this is a lot of questions.

But the answers don’t have to be long, and when you finish, you will find yourself thoughtful.

And it is my experience that thoughtful never hurt anyone.

Thoughtless is the culprit.

 

 

Cracked 5 … March 14th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Worst Things to Take to a Picnic

 

A. A Jell-o mold

 

B. Ice cream bars

 C. Humus (that would apply for anywhere or anytime)

 

D. Raw oysters on the half-shell

 

E. Gravy

 

 

Cracked 5 … March 7th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Things You Should Never Say to a Policeman

 

A. “I left my gun at home.”

 

B.  “I’ll give you ten bucks for Dunkin’s if you’ll forget about the speeding.”

 

 C. “You look mighty good in your tight pants.”

 

D. “You won’t need your dog. My puppy sniffed the car yesterday.”

 

E. “I was speeding home to my wife—she wants to get pregnant.”

 

Cracked 5 … February 29th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Cures for March Madness

 

A. Extend February by thirty-one days.

 

B. Change the name from “March” to “Stroll.”

 

C. Put less focus and mania on college hoops.

 

D. Just simply don’t let your spring get sprung.

 

E. Have Daylight Savings Time murdered.

 

 

 


 

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Cracked 5 … February 22nd, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Some Complaints Heard from a Ventriloquist’s Dummy

 

A. “I feel like a husband.”

 

B. “Tired of coming out of the closet.”

 

C. “No one takes me seriously.”

 

D. “The name ‘dummy’ is hurtful.”

 

E. “If you’re gonna stick your hand up my ass, at least first buy me dinner.”

 

 

 


 

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Cracked 5 … February 15th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Things Your Dog Would Tell You if He Could Speak

A. “I would rather spend my twelve years of living eating hot dogs instead of crunchy cornmeal pellets.”

 

B. “Trust me. Your crotch could use washing.”

 

C. “You are finally learning what I’ve always known. Cats are assholes.”

 

D.  “So you lost your job? Relax. I’ve got seven bones buried in the back yard.”

 

E. “Get in shape. You embarrass me on our walks.”

 

 

 

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