Cracked 5 … August 17th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4139)

Cracked 5

Little Known Facts About the Life and Times of a Squirrel

 

A. Recovering from bird seed overdose

 

B.  Too nervous for petting zoo

 

C.  Hates being called a “rat with a fancy tail”

 

D.  Does all its shopping at a department store called Wal-Nuts*

 

E.  God damnit! I’m not squirrely!

 

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Sit Down Comedy … August 16th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4138)


Sit Down Comedy

Can you play the game?

What is the game?

People interaction. Intimacy. Give and take.

The “get-along-ism” of the human prism.

Does it bother you that it’s a game? Shouldn’t it be called a mission, a ministry or an odyssey?

“Love your neighbor.”

A little piece of optimism, don’t you think? Some sort of idealistic drivel promoted by theologians. Generous and compassionate, but in its own way, foolish.

And it would be ridiculous to ask people to “love their neighbor” if that was exactly how the commandment was phrased. But it isn’t.

“Love your neighbor as yourself.

Actually, it’s a very cynical concept. In other words, since you’re madly infatuated with your own comings and goings and can’t pass by a mirror without glancing into it, might you consider sharing some of that concern with the people in the world around you?

After all, Jesus wasn’t stupid.

Jesus wasn’t hoping we would become angelic while praying that we would avoid devilish. He was merely asking us to play the game. The game is very simple:

Don’t expect anybody to give a rat’s ass about you if you don’t give a rat’s ass about them.

Perhaps not as eloquent as “love your neighbor as yourself,” but nevertheless, a practical paraphrase.

And by the way, be prepared for a five-to-one ratio. In other words, for every five minutes you’re willing to listen to someone else, they will probably return a minute of attention.

If you’re foolish enough to say that’s unfair, then you’ll end up with nothing.

If you decide you don’t give a shit about anyone, that’s fine, but you’ll discover that nobody gives a shit about you, and worse, they’ll probably try to find a way to get back at you because you didn’t give a shit about them.

Let’s tip our hat to President Trump. It’s obvious that he doesn’t care about anyone else. He is very interested in himself, and you can have a delightful conversation with the man as long as you’re willing to discuss Donald, and not “trump” him in any way.

On the other hand, the Democrats are less truthful. They pretend that they care about the farmer in Iowa who’s struggling with the loss of his soybean profits, while posting over and over again on the Internet the need for more donations—hoping to rise higher in the polls to make the next debate.

If you understand it’s a game, you can keep from being cynical.

If you think it’s supposed to be spiritual, moral or ethical, then you will find yourself broken, despondent and left with faith drained from your body.

I play the game.

Even within my own family, the interest level they have for me is limited and only comes forth when I first send out a query about their efforts and wishes.

Can you play the game?

Are you willing to take the five-to-one ratio?

Or do you think that if it’s not completely pure, that it has no heart?

It’s time to decide. If you can play the game, you will win.

If you can’t play the game, you will not only lose, but you will turn everyone who interacts with you into losers, too.

 

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Cracked 5 … August 10th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4132)

Cracked 5

Unique Ways to Avoid Gun Violence

A.  Make simpler bombs

 

B.  Cut the price on knives

 

C.  Pay women to go out with losers

 

D.  Body armor for the entire nation

 

E.  Stop making fun of loving one another

 

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Cracked 5 … August 3rd, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4125)

Cracked 5

Car Names Which Just Never Caught On

A. The Ford Partridge

 

B. The Volkswagon Cockroach

 

C.  The Dodge Fart

 

D.  The Chevy El Burrito

 

 E.  The Pontiac Pansy

 

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Cracked 5 … July 27th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4118)

Cracked 5

Social media was set ablaze this week when a YouTube of Tom Brady jumping off a cliff into a lake with his six-year-old daughter became a great source of controversy and criticism.

So in our Cracked 5 this week, I would like to offer:

Real Things Tom Brady Should Not Do with His Six-Year-Old Daughter

 A.  Share a six-pack.

 

B.  Send her to a Baptist church where she learns to be submissive to men.

 

C.   Tell her there is a monster lizard living under her bed.

 

D.  Inform her she is only worth 74 cents on the dollar.

 

E.  Introduce her to his “tight end.”

 

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Cracked 5 … July 20th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4111)

Cracked 5

Threats That School is Starting Soon

 

A.  Giant bins in the store, once filled with beach balls, are replaced overnight with cheap spiral notebooks

 

B.  Watermelons mysteriously disappear in favor of family-style packages of individually wrapped Frito-Lay snacks.

 

C.  Children start crying themselves to sleep, clutching a calendar.

 

D.  Outdoor kiddie pools turn green

 

E.  Parents seem cheery, using less Xanax

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Cracked 5 … July 13th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4104)

Cracked 5

Things That God Almost Decided to Do Instead of Create the Earth

 A. Turn the Milky Way into the Snickers Galaxy

 

 B.  Make badminton crazy popular

 

 C.  Create smaller planets out of see-through farts

 

 D.  Get married and have “little angels”

 

 E.  Cure those damn sunspots

 

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