Cracked 5 … December 5th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Some people are offended by the religious implications of saying “Merry Christmas.” Here are five renditions they might find even more unsettling:

A. Happy B-Day, Baby J!

 

B. A baby shower for Mary and Joseph (bring a gift)

 

C. Save 50% at the Savior Birth Extravaganza!

 

D. Merry Manger Moments

 

E. Happy Jesus-mas

 

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Cracked 5 … November 21st, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Best Reasons Ever to Give as Excuses for Over-Eating

A. “I am secretly feeding an unborn twin.”

 

B. “My dead mother living in the basement insists that I eat 7,000 calories a day or she will start killing young women who stay at the motel we own.”

 

C. “My tape worm just had triplets.”

 

D. “God has warned me in a dream that we are headed for seven years of famine.”

 

E. “An English charity has offered a challenge–for every pound I gain, they will give a pound to operate on puppies who cannot bark.”

 

 

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Cracked 5 … November 14th, 2017


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Last Confessions of a Turkey Before Thanksgiving

A. I tried to plump up my wife so they’d take her instead of me.

 

B. I acted really, really paranoid so the farmer would think I was “a chicken”

 

C. I made close friends with the butcher’s children

 

D. I pulled out all my feathers so they’d think I was diseased

 

E. I stopped using “fowl language”

 

 

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Cracked 5 … November 7th, 2017


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Mysteriously, a gun has recently begun to speak. Such a phenomenon–everyone jockeyed in an attempt to get an interview with the gun. Wanda Waylings was selected via a lottery. Below are the five golden nugget quotes from the gun during Wanda’s interview:

A. “The NRA is right. I’m a gun. I don’t kill people.”

 

B. “But could you stop selling me to a bunch of nut jobs?”

 

C. “And by the way, I would suggest you start making your bullets out of Cheerios–then the worst thing that could happen is you end up with a cereal killer.”

 

D. “By the way, I am quite proud to shoot a deer to feed hungry children.”

 

E. “Here’s what you can do–targets, turkeys, squirrels, rabbits, and an occasional tree trunk. These are fine. I don’t like to be used to destroy people.”

 

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Cracked 5 … October 17th, 2017


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In January 1961, during his Inaugural Address, President Kennedy stated, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” What few people know is that there were five previous drafts to that statement before arriving at the sixth one which was shared with the public. Today, as a benefit to our readers, we present to you those previous incarnations:

A. Ask for yourself. Your country will do it.

 

B. Ask for a country, just for yourself.

 

C. What your country can do for you–ask me about it.

 

D. What you can do for your country is asking yourself, what has your country done for you?

 

E. Stop asking so much.

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Cracked 5 … October 10th, 2017


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Other Names Once Considered for Bugs Bunny

A.  Ears McGears

 

B.  Rabid Rabbit

 

C.  Headser Tails

 

D.  Harry Hare

 

E.  Trumper

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Cracked 5 … October 3rd, 2017


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Signs That Our Country Is In Need of a Refreshing Change

A. People are dead in the street

 

B. Souls are murdered

 

C. Americans are killing Americans

 

D. Indifference is not different enough

 

E. A new sin in Sin City

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