Cracked 5 … October 12th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4195)

Cracked 5

Really Horrible Ideas for Movie Plots Based on the Month of October

A. Octo-Beer: a researcher mysteriously discovers a cure for cancer, using beer from a German Octoberfest, only to have his data stolen by a jealous winery.

 

B. Octo-Puss: a cartoon cat discovers he was born with only eight of his nine lives. Will he find the lost life before it’s too late?

 

C. Octo-Schmocto: a hair-brained comedy about a rabbi from New York City who invents a Yamakah that massages your head while you wear it, stimulating brain activity. The problem? He must sell one million of the little hats before Halloween, or the loan sharks will come and kill him. Comedy ensues.

 

D. The Search for Green October: a climatologist attempts to extend summer into October by placing space heaters in the woods. His plans “Fall” short.

 

E. Octo-Bear: a man-eating grizzly roams the hills of Tennessee, killing White Supremacists. Is it because the bear is black? Is he funded?

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Cracked 5 … October 5th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4188)

Cracked 5

Best Excuses for Not Going to Church

A. Every time I drive by, your parking lot is full.

 

B. I have uncontrollable farting when I’m in public.

 

C. My dad was Jehovah’s Witness, my wife, Mormon, and my daughter is in final study of Wicca, to become a witch.

 

D. Do you have a nurse on site? I have seizures.

 

E. Listen, I’ll come—if first, you can help me pay my rent and gambling debts.

 

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Sit Down Comedy … October 4th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4187)

Sit Down Comedy

I don’t know if you knew this or not, but there are grown-ups and there are grown-downs. It’s rather simple:

Some people get older in an upward direction and other pilgrims use the passing of time to turn downwards.

You might ask yourself, how can you tell the difference?

1. You might just be a grown-down if you think you’re always busy.

 

2. You might be a grown-up if you consider something funny and laugh to yourself, while simultaneously knowing you can’t exactly share it out loud because the grown-downs would think you were immature.

 

3. You certainly could be a grown-down if you’re constantly finding reasons to avoid doing something that you’re pretty sure would be good but you think it makes you sound more mature if you mull over the choices and decide not to do them.

 

4. You might be a grown-up if you just keep your mouth shut if somebody actually has a good idea before you step forward and try to shoot bullets in it.

 

5. On the other hand, you could be a grown-down if you find yourself spending a lot of time sighing, crying, complaining and disapproving.

 

6. You might be a grown-up if you ignore the difficulty of the opportunities that pop up in front of you and instead, find ways to turn them into adventures in living and giving.

 

7. You really are a grown-down if you believe that politics has a chance of doing something great.

 

8. You might be a grown-up if you stop waiting for politics to solve your problems—and you, yourself, go out and do something great, or at least something that could pass for it.

 

9. You might be a grown-down if you’ve cast your allegiance to a political party.

 

10. You might be a grown-up if you’ve found a good path for yourself and demand that the political parties begin to follow you.

 

11. You might be a grown-down if you know all the diseases, conditions and allergies that just might afflict your young children.

 

12. Or maybe you’re a grown-up if you realize that those kids only remain healthy by being exposed to the life around them and developing immune systems.

 

13. You might be a grown-down if you take God real seriously and become somber whenever serving Him is brought into the conversation.

 

14. You might be a grown-up if you seriously take God into every part of your life and enjoy the hell out of Him.

 

15. You might be a grown-down if you believe that sex and romance are the same thing.

 

16. Welcome to the grown-up world when you realize that sex is for fun and romance is necessary for the heart.

 

17. You might be a grown-down if you’re too concerned about your health.

 

18. You might be a grown-up if you’ve discovered a healthy concern.

 

19. You might be a grown-down if you’re laughing less, arguing, fussing and objecting more.

 

20. You might be a grown-up if you learn to laugh over the limitations of your reasoning power.

Walking around in today’s world is similar to a mine field.

(No—that’s too dramatic.)

It’s more like strolling in a cow pasture, trying to avoid the bullshit.

(No—that’s too dark.)

Actually, it’s almost identical to walking into the room where your kids keep their toys, without your shoes on, in the dark. Because you know that somewhere, there’s something that’s not put away, and if you step on it, it’s gonna give you a nasty ouchy.

It’s kind of like what my friend, Vic, said about it:

Sometimes you know you’re a grown-down because you insist you’re a grown-up.

 

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Cracked 5 … September 28th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4181)

Cracked 5

Things a Traveling Rock Band Should Not Say at an Airport

A.  “Go stash your axe.”

B. “Guns and Roses.”

C. “Let’s go kill!”

D. “Where are we gonna crash?”

E.  “We bombed.”

 

 

 

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Cracked 5 … September 14th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4167)

Cracked 5

Things Not as Well Known About the Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe

A. Hated the Pope because she couldn’t use birth control

 

 B. Was reported to children’s services by the young chick who lived in the hat

 

 C. Really, really wanted to give her children the boot

 

 D. Cleaned her house from heel to toe

 

 E. Kids had laces, but no braces

 

 

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Cracked 5 … September 7th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4160)

Cracked 5

Things That Happen to Teachers About Two Weeks After School Begins

 

A. Run out of other words for dumb

 

B.  Have shown their entire wardrobe, including accessories

 

C.  Devoid of nice things to say about cafeteria food

 

D.  Want to personally strangle all new teachers who just got out of college

 

E.  Finding ways to punk students without getting exposed

 

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Cracked 5 … August 31st, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4153)

Cracked 5

Funny things you say to your eye doctor, but he is too serious, so you try to explain the joke and it really bombs.

 

A.  He says, “How are you?”

     You say, “We shall SEE.”

 

B.  You say, “The top letter looks like a B—but I guess it could be an E.”

 

C.  You say, “If I’m going blind can I get one of those cool dogs?”

 

D.  You keep answering his questions by saying, “Outta Sight!” or “Far out!”

 

E.  You tell him that your right eye is offending you so you would like to pluck it out.

 

 

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