Cracked 5 … December 28th 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Things 2019 Wants to Say to Us as it Leaves

 

A.  “How in the hell did you expect me to make anything out of the idiots you gave me?”

 

B. “You stupid jerks! You were peeking ahead to 2020!”

 

C.  “I feel like a leftover box of bread sticks that came with your pizza order.”

 

D. “19 divided by ? = poopie-pants.”

 

E.  “The Patriots won the Super Bowl. La-dee-da…”

Sit Down Comedy … December 27th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Sit Down Comedy

There’s that split second right before the reveal.

The last little piece of tape is peeled back, and the gift is in our hands.

Let me be clear—no one under the age of ten actually offers an immediate disappointed reaction to a Christmas present.

We have been taught to be cool.  Detached.

Yes—the cool detachment of the Christmas season.

If the present is to our liking, the reaction usually contains some form of profanity

“Oh, shit!”

“Jesus Christ!”

“Oh, my God!”

When you hear these words, though inappropriate, it’s a great response to your selection.

If the gift is not favored, you may hear one of the following:

“Oh, neat. I was curious about these. So this is what it looks like.”

“What a thoughtful gift—certainly something I would never have gotten for myself.”

“After all the morning activities, you’ll have to sit down and explain this to me so I can enjoy it even more.”

“You sure topped yourself this year!”

“What a unique gift!”

These statements fall off our lips when we are confused or distraught with this year’s offering.

Yet we try to maintain our cool detachment.

Truthfully, as soon as the Thanksgiving turkey is safely put away for making sandwiches, we are already considering to what degree we’ll allow ourselves to become involved in the holiday of newborn kings, elves and magical sleigh-riders.

It’s difficult to overcome the fear.

Like the fear of singing Christmas carols. It seems like a proper idea, and then you get in the middle of the second verse and everybody has a different interpretation of the words, and sometimes it ends up stopping dead while someone Googles the lyrics.

And oh, yes. Part of that cool detachment is the terror over being the person to actually beginning the Christmas carol. Maybe you feel the spirit’s right, or a friend nearby says, “You’re musical. Why don’t you get us started?”

There are so many things that can go wrong. Your voice can crack, or you can pitch the carol too high or too low, leaving all those who joined in trying to change the key in the middle of the chorus.

There is a great consensus with this cool detachment to emphatically insist that “Christmas is for the kids.”

Do we really want to believe that? We may love our children, but why would we sacrifice such an exciting adventure to their often-snotty attitudes—not to mention unwashed hands?

A creepy, cynical false humility can also cause us to cough up the phrase, “I don’t need anything…”

(First and foremost, this response to “What do you want for Christmas?” is unhelpful and annoying. And having watched each and every one of us shop at the store, buying countless items that we do not “need” means that we are open to excess. We’re not fooling anyone.

Next, I know it’s not politically correct to say this, but here I go:

Hanukkah–literally–cannot hold a candle to Christmas.

Jewish people know this.

It’s like going to a National Football League game and talking to the star quarterback about your son beginning Pop Warner Football. There’s no equivalency—therefore, there should be no competition.

Let me see—what’s another part of this cool, adult detachment? Here’s another one. We all must moan about the pressure to “get everything done.”

If America couldn’t bitch about how busy we all think we are, I’m not sure we could even carry on a conversation.

The cool detachment.

The reminder by a sullen friend that we must be careful not to be too rambunctious in our celebration, since “some people find Christmas to be a sad time.”

Or that religious fanatic you know, who insists that “Christmas is too commercial” and want to declare war on the devil.

Or your favorite atheist, who laments the inclusion of religion in our normal commerce.

I just fear that along with our insincerity about the presents we receive, we have developed a grown-up press release, which we offer to limit the joy of Christmas, turning it into a tedious act we perform for the good of family—especially “them young’uns.”

So, hark the herald, angels sing…

Christmas is one month out of the year when “good will toward men” is not a joke, but rather…

A heavenly demand.

 

Cracked 5 … December 21st, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Other Explanations for Noises “Up on the Housetop”

 

A.  Huge Babylonian rats in your attic

 

B.  Your son has crawled out a window and is smoking crack next to the chimney

 

C.  Shingles falling off because you were too cheap to do repair

 

D.  Frozen squirrels falling from the trees and bouncing off before smacking the ground

 

E.  Another amateur landing by Old Red Nose

Cracked 5 … December 14th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

 Totally and Completely Politically Incorrect Names to Give to Elves

A. Shortbread

 

B. Little Hands

 

C. Tinker Bill

 

D. Brief

 

E. Grounded

 

 

Cracked 5 … December 7th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

 Things Santa Claus’s Therapist Could Certainly Tell You

A.  He wears a beard to cover his leprosy scars.

 

B.  He refuses to accept that the red costume makes him look fifty pounds heavier.

 

C.  Reindeer smell bad and attack black kids.

 

D. He never married Mrs. Claus. (It’s a long story.)

 

E. Can’t leave him alone for more than five minutes at a time with small children.

 

 

 

Sit Down Comedy … December 6th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Sit Down Comedy

Now and then I come across someone or something that I believe to be inadequately named by the New Oxford Dictionary.

So I make up a word of my own.

This week I’ve been thinking about “hero.” Everyone has an image in mind when they hear the term, but we do not really have a word for people who are not heroes, but thump their chests, proclaiming themselves to be.

So I would like to offer my word for such a person:

HEGO

Just to clarify:

A hero is an individual who rises to the occasion and is adequately surprised and humbled by the positive results.

A hego is a person who fails to deliver, but still insists that he* did the job.

A hero doesn’t promise, but still provides.

A hego fails and claims he never promised.

A hero considers the responsibility before agreeing to try.

A hego assumes there is nothing he can’t do.

A hero searches for others better qualified than himself.

A hego believes he is the most qualified without ever searching.

A hero demands no reward.

A hego needs the reward to confirm his worth.

A hero carries his cross.

A hego places his cross on another.

A hero tells the truth because he must.

A hego exaggerates because he must be perceived as great.

Whether in politics, business, entertainment or religion, each path requires a certain amount of honor. When this is provided, a hero can emerge. When it’s ignored and shortcuts are sought, a hego is hatched.

A hero gives of himself.

A hego uses others.

A hero fears being a coward and ends up brave.

A hego believes himself brave and ends up a coward.

A hero steps back.

A hego pushes forward.

A hero lays down his life for a friend.

A hego asks the friend to perform the sacrifice.

A hero seeks peace.

A hego yearns for war.

Bluntly, we could consider the hego to be an exercise in foolishness except for the fact that when our enemies know that we no longer respect the role of a hero, they are more likely to attack whomever has become our latest hego.

A hero believes in others.

A hego believes in himself.

It is my heart that America needs a hero, or maybe two. For after all, we are well-staffed with the hego.

 


*he or she

Cracked 5 … November 30th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4244)

Cracked 5

 Mistakes Often Made on Thanksgiving Day

A. Asking Grandma what she’s thankful for—right before we’re supposed to start eating

 

B. Saying, “The ham is good but nothing ‘trumps’ the turkey.” (Politics begins…)

 

C. Pointing out that the Pilgrims were illegal immigrants.

 

D. Asking what the calorie count is on each dish that comes your way.

 

E. Telling Aunt Minnie you like her Jell-O salad with the carrots—and she keeps passing to you over and over again.

 

 

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