Cracked 5 … November 7th, 2017

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Jonathots Daily Blog

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Mysteriously, a gun has recently begun to speak. Such a phenomenon–everyone jockeyed in an attempt to get an interview with the gun. Wanda Waylings was selected via a lottery. Below are the five golden nugget quotes from the gun during Wanda’s interview:

A. “The NRA is right. I’m a gun. I don’t kill people.”

 

B. “But could you stop selling me to a bunch of nut jobs?”

 

C. “And by the way, I would suggest you start making your bullets out of Cheerios–then the worst thing that could happen is you end up with a cereal killer.”

 

D. “By the way, I am quite proud to shoot a deer to feed hungry children.”

 

E. “Here’s what you can do–targets, turkeys, squirrels, rabbits, and an occasional tree trunk. These are fine. I don’t like to be used to destroy people.”

 

 

 

G-Poppers … April 28th, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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G-Pop took a few moments last night to talk to his godson.

The young man is personable, with potential dangling from him, similar to a bunch of electrical cords that need to be plugged in somewhere. Like so many of us, he just doesn’t know which cord goes into which socket.

It begins with a simple understanding: 80% of what we think is born in our fear.

G-Pop wishes he could proclaim that our thoughts are grounded in our faith or our devotion, but it’s not true. Faith, hope and charity have no chance until fear is confronted, tracked down and put in its place. So our thoughts scream from this fear.

Now, 90% of what we fear comes from what we see and hear.

If we surround ourselves with fearful people saying fearful things about a fearful world, we should not expect a great fountain of creativity to spring forth from our souls.

For instance, here’s a simple point about gun control in America: the problem is not the gun. The difficulty lies in the fact that what we see and hear about guns always has them with the barrel pointed at a human. If you go to Canada, you’ll see lots of guns. But they’re pointed at deer and moose. The Canadians don’t have a constant programming of seeing and hearing about guns pointed at other human beings.

In America, we would frown on a gun being pointed at an animal, but our guns are constantly pointed at human beings. Therefore, what we see and hear becomes our fear and our fear becomes what we think. And we think that guns are for killing people, not rabbits.

And the final statistic that G-Pop presents is that 100% of what we see and hear should be our choice.

So you will think from your fear.

Your fear comes from what you see and hear.

And if you sacrifice what you see and hear to what the pundits want to thrust down your throat or what your friends insist will make you cool, you will be at the mercy of the fear that is produced by these visions.

G-Pop’s godson is just like all of us.

He needs to learn that our thinking is controlled by our fear; our fear is manipulated by what we see and hear, so if we take authority over what comes into our eyes and ears, we begin to change our fear to faith and our faith can work to produce love.

Three final points set this in motion:

1. Run from strife.

Whenever you see people fighting for the hell of it, get yourself away.

2. Walk away from gossip.

Gossip is just violence in training.

3. Sit with good cheer.

When you find people who are looking for hope, who are smiling through the difficulties and trying to create unity and joy, sit your butt down.

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G-Poppers… January 30, 2015

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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G-Pop remembered when his youngest son asked him, at a very early age, “Pops, what do you think I should be when I grow up?”

G-Pop smiled and said, “The 3-H.”

The little fella frowned.

G-Pop continued. “You know. Like 4-H, but you get an H outta there.” (G-Pop laughed–alone. He had definitely overshot his tiny audience with a fizzled rocket of cleverness.)

He cleared his throat and inserted, “Three H’s. First, happy. Find out what makes you happy when you do it, and also glad to come back to it later on. How about Number Two? Helpful. Try to find something to make ‘bucks’ that people can hold ‘deer.'”

G-Pop paused for a moment to allow for a giggle. There was none. (Obviously still shooting overhead.)

He plunged forward. “Be a blessing and you will never lack friends. And Number Three–humble. Make sure you are so happy and helpful that you don’t require tons of praise to lift your soul. Keep it simple.”

G-Pop finished his word, patted his son on the head and looked into the little boy’s eyes, which by this time, had totally glazed over.

He gave him permission to leave, hoping that the lad’s internal tape recorder was on for future play-back.

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Survival Kit … September 20, 2013

Jonathots Daily Blog

(2010)

Honest to God–he was dressed in  buckskin.

He had long hair and a bushy-wushy beard, giving him the appearance of a bear that had been almost completely swallowed by a deer sporting “frillies” on its hide. He was explaining, on the National Geographic Channel, the three elements necessary to survive in the wilderness.

To my surprise, toothpaste and deodorant did not make the list. The essentials, by my mountain man’s standards, were a knife, a ball of string and matches.

Hmmm. If I had a knife, I would also need bandages and antibiotic cream. I would never be able to get the string off the ball, and in no time at all, my matches would be wet and useless.

Yes, I am willing to admit publicly that my survival time in the wilderness would be brief and distressed.

But I am cognizant that there is a survival kit for just being a good human.

I think the first thing you need is a sense of self–preferably not exaggerated, by the way, and certainly not depleted by a feeling of inadequacy. But if you can emotionally muster the courage to admit who you are and who you aren’t, you probably tackle a goodly percent of the difficulty involved in remaining sane.

Yes, I do think there’s a point where we all have to say, “I am not scared of me.”

If we are secretly frightened of our own motivations, iniquities and predilections, we will work much too hard to disguise our frailties. That is why, when I am in front of an audience, I make it clear to them who they’re gettin’.

A sense of self is one of the greatest scents we possess, to draw other humans to our trail.

The second thing in the survival kit for being a better person is a sense of humor. Do you understand the purpose?

It just lets folks know, “I am not scared to fail.”

It’s quite ridiculous to be frightened of something that is inevitable. As far as I know, failure is the short-cut to success if it’s used wisely, applied correctly and walked away from with good cheer.

A sense of humor is the greatest sign of mental health.

And the final thing that I feel needs to go into the knapsack of our journey on earth is a sense of God.

Now, my definition of “a sense of God” is different from most theologians. I don’t believe we discover God in the Bible, but actually use the Good Book to confirm our revelations.

I don’t think we retrieve God through prayer–that exercise works best when we’re already well-acquainted with the Person we’re contacting.

No–I think we get a sense of God when we can truthfully proclaim, “I am not scared of people.”

For to dislike people, disdain them, ignore them, judge them or always try to change them into your image is to aggravate the mind of God and cause His Spirit to depart from your midst.

For it says quite clearly that “whenever we’ve done it unto the least of these, my brethren, we’ve done it unto Him.” The parallel is clear: to do good unto God means to eliminate any bigotry we might have toward people.

So there you go.

Even though I am not clad in buckskin and gnawing on beef jerky, I am giving you my survival kit for passing through the wilderness we call life:

• A sense of self: I am not scared of me.
• A sense of humor: I am not scared of failure.
• A sense of God: I am not scared of people.

It may not book you on the National Geographic Channel as a wilderness wrangler, but it sure will qualify you … as a great pathfinder.

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity

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Deer, Antelope … May 3, 2012

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Home, home on the range,

Where the deer and the antelope …

I must tell you a secret. (Actually, if I’m sharing with thousands of people on the Internet, it is no longer a secret, but rather, a perceived private thought.) I have been in Antelope Valley for four days now and I have seen … NO antelope. Now, I am not trying to accuse the Chamber of Commerce of some mass conspiracy to defraud the public about meandering wildlife, but no antelope have come before my eyes. And I’m also beginning to seriously doubt that I am actually in a valley. But rather than becoming cynical about the poor choice of name for this region, I have chosen to believe that for some bizarre explanation, the antelope are protesting.

After all, it is not easy to be an antelope. Basically, you are just as functional and attractive as a deer, but they get all the press. After all, they have Bambi. There’s no movie out about Antwerp, the Crusading Antelope who leaps through the woods trying to prevent deforestation. Why do people prefer deer to antelope? Here’s a piece of propaganda–deer supposedly have antlers, but antelope have horns. And after all, once we establish that any creature is “horny,” we are riddled with suspicion. Those things protruding on both of their heads are the same stuff–the only difference being that the antlers seem to rise to the sky and the antelope’s efforts curve. This is apparently distasteful. So deer are “oohed and ahhed” over and antelope are basically treated like some sort of mutant goat.

That would be enough to upset any antelope–and then, along comes this misleading song about life on the range. In this anthem, deer and antelope are portrayed as “playing.” Now, the deer will survive this slight–being trivialized–but the antelope, who are already suffering from the public relations “Horn of Unplenty” are left looking like  twisted, misshapen deer who just want to fool around.

It is so upsetting to the more religious antelope from the First United Antelopians that they have insisted that the words of the song, Home on the Range, be changed to “…where the deer and the antelope PRAY.” It may be a bit too sacred, but it certainly escapes the frivolity of presenting the species as lackluster and lazy, frolicking through the woods, purposeless. The Antelopians have decided to pray that the word “pray” will be placed into the song instead of the word “play,” preying on their reputation. (How about THAT sentence??)

Another group of antelope, with a more political bend, has decided to lobby for changing the song to “…where the deer and the antelope PAY”–a protest over high taxes and rising prices, which are debilitating the local economy.

Any way you look at it, the antelope must be extremely upset to miss an opportunity to show up in a community which has actually honored them by naming its valley after their sake. So what do YOU think? Do you favor the more pious rendition, where “the deer and the antelope pray?” God knows, we need more prayer. (Wait a second … Does God know we need more prayer? Is God really looking to increase His work load? Isn’t that what more prayer would put upon Him? And what would an antelope pray? Is God really supposed to interrupt His day to hear supplications about the need for more berries? Or… “why are my horns crooked, and not pointing to heaven?” I’m sorry. I digress.)

Or do you swing more towards the politically bent antelope, who want to protest high taxation? Where “the deer and the antelope pay“? (Their problem is actually quite human. They do not understand why taxes are being levied on middle-class antelope when it’s obvious from the economy directly above them that there are creatures “squirreling it away”…)

For I will tell you this. The antelope are fed up with “never hearing a discouraging word” and they just can’t figure out what it means…”and the skies are not cloudy all day.”

Maybe that’s it. Maybe the whole song is just faulty and should never have been recorded in the first place. Maybe the guy who wrote the song never saw a deer and certainly never followed an antelope around to find out the extent of its daily activity, and just rendered them “playful” instead of “prayerful” or just good-paying citizens.

Whatever the reason, there are no antelope in sight. (I actually haven’t seen any deer, either.)

Let me suggest a more appropriate name for this region: Cactus Valley. Another possibility: Blowing Dust Valley.

Although I have to say … I am still a little bit dubious that there’s a valley anywhere nearby.

  

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