Cracked 5 … April 6th, 2019

 


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Rejected Plans for Spring Break

 

A.  The “Building a Sandcastle” competition at Daytona Beach

 

B.  Starting a diet and exercise program

 

C.  Time with Mom and Dad

 

D.  A “Pirate Battle Reenactment” in Fort Lauderdale

 

E.  A urinary tract infection

 

Cracked 5 Pirate

  
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Sit Down Comedy …February 8th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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The Alphabet of Weight Loss

A  need for change

B  uy it

C  ry it

D  iet

E  Gads, this sucks

F  ry it

G  ain it

H  ate it

I   am looking pregnant

J   esus, take the spoon and fork!

K  ale fail

L  ose, then cruise

M unch

N  estles

O  no, here we go

P  oints

Q  ueasy

R  unning

S  lipping

T  urnover (apple)

U  are not the biggest loser

V  itamins

W eird, it is

X  tra weight hiding

Y   is my scale lying?

Zzz I need a napDonate Button

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Dudley … May 25th, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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DUDLEY’S DIET

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Published in: on May 25, 2017 at 1:32 pm  Comments (1)  
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Ask Jonathots … February 4th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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ask jonathots bigger

I grew up in Buffalo, New York, and am considering going to Auburn for college because of a great scholarship offer in my field, which is art. I’m concerned about the cultural difference. I know you travel the country all the time–what are the differences between the different areas of the country–especially the North and the South–if any? Am I making a mistake?

One of the odd coincidences that occurs when you’re traveling on the road with people is that because you’re eating a similar diet, your bathroom habits become almost identical. (I know this is a strange way to begin my answer, but please bear with me as I try to make a point.)

If four people are consuming the same food, it’s reasonable to assume, with slight variations, that their daily routine will parallel.

So even though the media in this country, in pursuit of developing story lines, insists that various areas have differing views and approaches, the truth of the matter is, we’re all subject to the same diet of television, news and movies.

For instance, there wasn’t a Star Wars made for the South and another one for the North. There are not sitcoms viewed in Dixie and others favored in Brooklyn.

When you travel into the South, you will find minor cultural preferences, but overall, the people are citizens of the United States, and therefore, indulge in the same philosophies, laws and approaches of everyone else.

So I think it’s safe to say that if you’ve been blessed with a scholarship to Auburn, you should not only go, but travel there with the confidence that you’re going to run across outstanding American citizens who may have some attributes that are slightly unique, but possess a full awareness of what’s going on in the world around them.

Church attendance differs from one area of our nation to another, and to a certain degree, appreciation for lifestyles and culinary dishes may vary slightly.

But overall America is exactly what it advertises–a great melting pot.

The prejudice, bigotry and ill-founded conclusions which are drawn are put together by those who need to make a deadline for the news and stir up tales that create conflict so people will tune in.

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Three Ways to Win an Argument… October 30, 2014

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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arguing woman

Arguments are like hamburgers in the sense that most people agree that they’re not very good for us, but on the other hand, few are able to resist them. Unlike hamburgers, they end up being a part of our diet whether we like it or not, so we should learn how to ingest and digest them better.

First of all, we need to stop mingling the words “discussion,” “debate” and “argument,” as if they are the same species.

A discussion is when people come together, admitting they do not have enough knowledge on a subject and engage in an exchange of information for enlightenment.

A debate is when two people of differing opinions share their ideas with the aspiration that one of the presentations will come to the forefront as having more common sense.

An argument occurs when folks are certain they have discovered a truth which they believe has been tested, and they are unwilling to give in to any other insight because they feel they have found the correct path.

So an argument seems doomed to elicit frayed feelings and even digress to some violence if we do not know how to conduct ourselves and become the winners.

And by winning an argument, I do not mean usurping authority over other people, to bend them to our will. Winning an argument is to control the atmosphere and make sure that rage does not enter in.

So what should we do?

1. Ask lots of questions.

Arguments always turn volatile when people literally spit their opinions at one another, rather than challenging the source of the other person’s position. It’s difficult to become overwrought when someone is asking you a question and you’re having to provide evidence instead of just passion.

Some time ago I was arguing with a friend about a project he was working on and I stopped in the middle of the back-and-forth and asked, “Do you feel this project is up to the calibre and integrity of what you’ve done in the past?”

It brought him to a complete halt. In the midst of that stall, he calmed down, thinking more deeply.

To win an argument, always have more questions than comments.

2. Somewhere early on in the argument, concede a point or two which will not alter the quality of your conviction.

Anytime you argue with folks, they will make a good point, and usually pride will prevent you from admitting it. If you stop to acknowledge the truth, you disarm your competitor and also create a more gentle environment for the ongoing experience.

If it’s true, it’s true. And if it’s true, say so quickly. You don’t lose points and in the end you will actually gain respect.

3. Summarize as you go.

Every few seconds, repeat these words: “So what you’re saying is…”

It gives the person a chance to hear back what you heard, and confirm whether it’s true, or if some mis-speaking occurred. It also slows the progression of arrogance, permitting simplicity to have its day.

I guarantee you that if you do these three things, you will win every argument, because the true goal is to arrive at a way for both of you to continue to work together and be friends, even though this rift has occurred.

The key to life is realizing that you can give up some turf and still have enough room to stand.

arguing man

 

 

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An Amazing Diversion… November 14, 2012

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I ate like a pig.

Having survived an arduous morning in Parma, Ohio, trying to move along on my wobbly, sore legs, I creaked my way into my motel room, ordered in a bunch of food, took a spoon and fork to try to comfort my pain and reward my efforts.

It tasted good, but an hour later I felt worse. Matter of fact, by the time I got up the following morning, my legs were so stiff that I was unable to walk. It scared me. So I prayed.

Over the years I have learned that prayers uttered in fear are useless–because fear scares away love, and since God is love, He is not quite certain where He can enter our situation without first ministering to the trepidation. When Jesus was on the sea with his disciples and there was a huge storm and they were scared “fishless,” he calmed the disciples before he calmed the storm.

“Be not afraid.”

Well, I was afraid. I was afraid of not walking, I was afraid of losing my career, I was afraid of not being able to reach out to other folks, I was afraid of becoming a statistical fat person, who faithfully followed the pamphlet’s description of his own demise. So my prayer of fear just made me sadder. Finally calming down, however, I allowed myself a chance to consider my plight.

I realized that for my entire life, I had been very active but also quite obese. Believe it or not, those two are at odds with each other. So that morning, I committed to take care of my body and stop overeating by sneaking in extra carbohydrates and fats.

The by-product of that decision is that I started losing weight. I felt stronger. It was amazing that within thirty-six hours, I regained enough willingness to move forward that I held my dates, coming up with the idea of using the wheelchair. So I got to do my work, which made me feel valuable, building up my confidence so that I could continue to commit to losing weight. That was thirty-seven days ago.

Yesterday, I got into a swimming pool for the first time since then and discovered that my legs are gradually rebuilding back to the status where they were before. That is both good news and bad news–because where they were before was not giving me the mobility I needed to get around.

When I was changing clothes after the swim, I looked down at the big toe on my right foot and received quite a shock. For the last seven years, I have had a small open wound on my big toe. It wouldn’t heal. I doctor it every morning, bandaging it up to protect it from infection, but it has remained the same, without change. But now … it is healing.

I was shocked. Better phrased, I was amazed. How did that happen? For you see, in the process of trying to regain my legs, what I was immediately receiving was my big toe. If God had actually granted me new legs without me making any revisions in my lifestyle, I would have quickly worn those legs out also with my fat body.

Sometimes we forget that God can not go around contradicting His own creation and overriding His own system just so we can escape a bit of inconvenience. It is why the Bible tells us we can ask God for wisdom any time and know we will receive it. The Bible does NOT tell us that we can ask God for miracles and immediately confiscate one.

In my clumsy, unaware fashion, I backed into a truth: The only way I am ever going to get the use of my legs again in this lifetime is to lose enough weight, get healthier and start healing in places on my body, so that my legs can follow suit. Healing my legs on that October morning from a prayer of fear would have been the worst thing God could do. He would have ended up with a grateful, gushing, unrepentant porker who would continue to live a lifestyle detrimental to his own good.

For thirty-seven days I have done something I never thought I could. I eat my dinner and then stop snacking. An amazing diversion.

For thirty-seven days, I have removed excess carbohydrates, fats and sweets from my diet. An amazing diversion.

For thirty-seven days, I have found it easier to sleep without constantly waking up with symptoms of insomnia. An amazing diversion.

I have begun to lose weight again–slowly–which I had convinced myself was impossible at my age. An amazing diversion.

And a small, open wound on my big toe is closing up and healing–a wound which seemed to be a live-in roommate and now is gradually being evicted. An amazing diversion.

As you pray for your miracle, keep in mind that God has a system in place. Keep in mind that God is smarter than your perception of your need. Be cognizant of the fact that there are processes that take us to other processes, which place us on a pathway to conclusion.

  • My toe is healing.
  • My body is getting lighter.
  • My physicality is growing stronger.
  • My health seems better.

Can my legs do anything but join the band?

Life is an amazing diversion, where God teaches us how we work on a planet of His creation if we’re willing to go there without fear–bringing along paper and pencil to take notes.

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Fat Chance … August 10, 2012

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I have a terrific idea. (Forgive me–I guess what I should say is that I have an idea. Let me present it to you and you can determine its merits.)

It’s a concept for a new diet. Since dieting itself has fallen under severe criticism, I have come up with a plan which is practical in its application and simple in its proving. Here it is: since America is getting more obese all the time, what I am going to do is work on maintaining my present weight, and very soon the country will catch up with me and I will end up, poundage wise, in the middle of the pack and therefore it will appear I have lost weight. Then people will look at me and comment, “My goodness gracious, Mr. Cring. You don’t look nearly as big as you once did.” I will be free of the stigma of obesity, admired for my diligent efforts–although unfortunately, my health and portability will not have improved in the slightest.

Although I present this little scenario tongue-in-cheek (please don’t go out and apply it) it does seem to resemble the way we try to solve problems in our country. It is this penchant human beings persist in pursuing when trying to find a one-size-fits-all garment to cover all the inadequacies of our fellow-man. I don’t know when it started. There is a little nasty streak in all of us that believes “if I can do it, why can’t you?” For instance, for every cigarette-smoking slender person who shakes his or her head, wondering why I don’t lose weight, I, in turn, purse my lips and frown over why he or she can’t get off of nicotine.

It just doesn’t help matters. It reminds me of one night when I was at a fellowship with friends and one of the attendees became frustrated because an acquaintance was unable to find employment and was mooching off of those around him to survive.

“Why don’t you go out and get a job?” he screamed at the offender.

The man remained calm and replied, “I have made a job out of trying to get a job–except I don’t get paid for it.”

We often don’t understand one another’s difficulties, so it’s no wonder we haven’t taken the time to learn each other’s potentials.

As I have traveled this nation in 2012, I am learning how to become valuable to my human friends. I’m not always successful, but I am trying to comprehend the variety of ways that I can offer my services without becoming overly zealous and interfering. It is not easy. But I have discovered four ideas that I would like to share with you–because honestly, there is a fat chance that you’ll be able to help anyone if you start out by believing you are better than they are. So here are my suggestions:

1. What is my friend’s point of excellence? Excellence for me and excellence for the next guy is different. If I try to apply my concept of prosperity and personal growth onto everybody else, I will destroy them and on the way to that destruction, I will frustrate them from ever wanting to be around me. Finding their point of excellence is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself AND them. If they are mentally challenged, it may just be discovering that their excellence is being able to perform simple duties and take care of themselves. For some young people, excellence does not mean going to college, but rather, developing a trade or finding a way to apprentice into a business, to secure a sense of accomplishment and wage. Take a few minutes and find what the point of excellence is for your acquaintance in need–or do them a favor and leave them alone.

2. How can I help my friend get started? Don’t give people a plan. It is condescending and often mean, especially if they are unable to follow the intracacies of your pattern. Help folks find a way to get started. It’s the greatest thing you can do. Once they are started, let them find the impetus, the evolutions, the direction and the energy to continue–or walk away from the start-up.

3. How should we celebrate weekly progress? I will tell you that many a venture has been destroyed by celebrating too soon–or failing to acknowledge the increments of movement forward. They have to decide when to celebrate. It won’t be, up to you, but rather, up to the people participating to determine when they feel they have achieved a level of credential that is worthy of a party.

4. And finally, when do I back off and when do I back up? As you can probably tell, this one is huge. To everything there is a season. If they are trying to quit smoking, reminding them every week of their plight will certainly drive them back into the pits of tar. By the same token, failing to notice the signals of when our friends are yearning for support and exhortation can be discouraging to them, making them wonder if you have stopped caring. Actually, the answer on when to back off and when to back up from a project is fairly easy to understand. If there is no question in the air, an answer should not be provided. If your friend is not requesting new information or sharing his plight and seeking counsel, offering such advice will certainly scare him away from pursuing his dream, and will end up making him feel diminished. I often receive emails from people explaining their present circumstances, but nowhere in the message will there be a question. To offer counsel without inquiry is not only to intrude, but also to frighten people away from mountain-climbing.

So returning to my original, comical suggestion about weight loss, I will tell you this: like every other human being born since Adam, I will finally get to the business of changing my life when I am weary of my life unchanged. What you can do for me is:

  • Help me find my personal excellence.
  • Give me a place to start.
  • Celebrate with me when I have small victories, even though you may not understand them.
  • And back off when I’m frustrated; back me up when I’m trying my darndest.

Becoming valuable–it really is the practical application of the philosophy, “NoOne is better than anyone else.”

 

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