PoHymn: A Rustling in the Stagnant … March 14th, 2018

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(3611)

Since Life is a Picnic

A frog doesn’t complain

about its slimy skin

instead, leaps for joy

considering this a win

an elephant refuses to fuss

over its big, fat butt

nor a squirrel ever cuss

just enjoys the nut

a giraffe shall not fret

over a really long neck

just take what you get

oh, what the heck

nor does a dog growl

because it’s not a cat

never on the prowl

barking is where it’s at

this silly verse won’t quit

just because it’s childish

but instead, insists you sit

and relax, feeling mildish

God doesn’t curse

or ever wish to damn

but instead, offers verse

the lion with the lamb

His eye is on the sparrow

I know He watches me

on the strait and narrow

is where I need to be

so be still my soul

and never say “can’t”

since life is a picnic

pretend you’re an ant

 

 

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Cracked 5 … December 19th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3526)

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Very Unusual Birthday Wishes

A. “Thought you were dead. Now that I know you’re alive, it gives me a chance to kill you.”

 

B. “I knew your mother. You could be my bastard.”

 

C. “We baked your birthday cake. Unfortunately, our dog, Fritzenrod, peed on it, so please don’t eat.”

 

D. “I was going to buy you a birthday present–then realized you were not that shallow.”

 

E. “The ancestors of John Wilkes Booth found out you had the same birthday as him. They changed his.

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Cracked 5 … July 11th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3364)

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 Brief Conversations Between a Dog and a Cat

A.

Dog: Your hairballs make me puke.

Cat: Good. Then you’ll have something to slurp up.

B.

Cat: Your ears droop like they’re dead.

Dog: I can wag my tail!

C.

Dog: I run in the park.

Cat: I own the house.

D.

Dog: I am man’s best friend.

Cat: I am a woman’s revenge.

E.

Dog: I am good. I poop in the yard.

Cat: I am better. I poop in the house and convince them they can’t smell it.

 

 

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PoHymn: A Rustling in the Stagnant … June 21st, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(3344)

Standing There

I was just seventeen

Trying not to be mean

When I saw her standing there

Is she terrified?

I am

I brushed my teeth four times

Back and forth, side to side

Even upside down

Yet the foul is returning

My deodorant is so damn unpredictable

Was that a whiff of skunk?

I’m sweating

It’s not hot

She is

I’m not

Does she know that I’m plain?

Yes, plain

Dry toast without butter

Marshmallow minus cream

They say women are from Venus

I, supposedly, am from Mars

Could someone build a spaceship?

Maybe we could date on the moon

And gradually come down to Earth

That sounds romantic

No, wait. Corny

Corny is bad

Like my deteriorating breath

She is fidgeting

Or maybe just exercising

I am not athletic

I bounce the ball

And then watch it roll away from me in disgust

Yes, the ball had an opinion

It mocked my efforts to participate

Doesn’t she do most of the stuff I do?

Just not as noisy or smelly

Is there common ground?

Why are we on the ground?

Many magnificent wonders

I want to talk to her

No, I don’t

Talking is dangerous

It demands sentences

Verbs connecting nouns

Yet I need to communicate with her

Hand signals are out of the question.

And unfortunately, spontaneous making out is rare

Some sort of interaction is required

I wish my dog was prettier

Forget I said that

No, promise you forgot

I like girls

Even when they’re women

I just don’t want a mother

I have one

I will savor the unique experience

Why doesn’t she talk to me?

Maybe she can’t talk

A deaf mute

Why does that interest me?

Did she just check her breath?

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PoHymn: A Rustling in the Stagnant … March 22nd, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(3254)

God Sees

The birds love to sing

They so enjoy the spring

The birds build a nest

Where they can find their rest

 

The dogs love to growl

Sniff about and prowl

They love to be alone

So they can chew their bone

 

The fish love to splash

Swim away in a flash

Steal bait when they can

Avoid the frying pan

 

The lion lives to roar

While hunting for the boar

Never feels to be the least

Always king of the beast

 

The roach likes to scurry

Always in a hurry

Hoping its legs are true

To escape the squashing shoe

 

Cats adore to lounge

Then briefly they may scrounge

Maintaining their feline cool

Never playing the pet fool

 

The human loves to complain

Exasperated, nearly insane

To appear to be in charge

Making problems seem large

 

And God sees each one

From His home beyond the sun.

 

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G-Poppers … February 12th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(2842)

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 G-Pop remembers when he bought a dog for his youngest son.

A trip to the rescue shelter, a scanning of canine candidates, and a selection of the family mutt–an animal with so many donors that breed identification was laughable.

The whole process, counting food and bowl, was $45. For that sum, a family friend was acquired, absent any pedigree.

Yet buried in the genetics of this pup was a little bit of hound.

The young son discovered this one night when he imitated a dog howling, and the mixed-up barker launched a woeful moaning into the air.

The dog resisted his inclination. He tried to refrain from being “nothin’ but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time.”

But eventually, the sound of hound came forth.

He was embarrassed.

Matter of fact, after the outburst, he drug himself from the room to reflect on his folly.

Just for the record, we are all mutts, too.

All us Americans.

We have so many breeds within that it would be impossible to find purity in any of us. And we’ve certainly got some hound.

Yes–there is much that hounds us:

  • We are hounded by our selfishness.
  • We are hounded by our fears.
  • Certainly hounded by our sense of entitlement.
  • And also, by our prejudices.

So politicians, ministers and corporations try to get us to release our disconsolate, mournful bay.

They tempt us to be mean and grouchy.

They lure us to our worst place, where we wallow in dissatisfaction, “the hound of hell.”

So then we whine. I do think we’re embarrassed by it–we want to run and hide because of our weaker nature taking over.

But shame on those who draw out the parts that hound us.

Our dog was noble, loyal and loving.

But sometimes, to establish our pleasure–and dominance–we made him howl like a hound.

G-Pop thinks it’s time for us to stop barking at the moon.

Matter of fact, maybe it’s time for all of us to find our better pooch.

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G-Poppers … October 16th, 2015

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(2724)

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Grandson and Granddaughter came running into the room under a great cloud of bickering.

Grandson had obviously had a tiff with a friend because he was proclaiming, “People are bad,” while Granddaughter was defending the race, saying that “people are good.”

G-Pop sat quietly listening, allowing the smoke to clear from their battle.

At length, Granddaughter asked, “What do you think, G-Pop? Are people bad? Or good?”

G-Pop smiled and said, “People are like really smart, well-trained dogs. They have learned that if they don’t pee on the carpet, they get more treats. If they stay out of the closet and refrain from chewing shoes, they receive more freedom on the leash. And if they learn when to bark, and certainly never bite, they are considered a treasure.”

“But when they’re not smart, and they’re poorly trained, they tend to run in packs, attacking anyone who’s weak. But let me tell you–it does not matter if the dog is smart or well-trained. You still must keep it away from cats and garbage cans–because every dog, when it gets around its enemy–the cat–turns into a scrapper. And every canine becomes nothing less than an animal when it hangs around the garbage.”

When G-Pop finished his little comparative narrative, he realized he was dealing with a split audience.

His grandson seemed delighted, having his faith restored that new tricks were possible from a “dogged” populace. But G-Pop’s granddaughter–well, she seemed disgusted, displaying a “screw the pooch” face.

“People aren’t dogs,” she snarled as she scampered out of the room.

G-Pop giggled. Turning to his grandson, he concluded, “She’s right, you know. People aren’t really dogs. Yet getting smarter and better trained may still be our best path to guarding our houses, while still remaining man’s best friend.”

 

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