Cracked 5 … May 11th, 2019

 


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Things That Are Part of Considering Impeach

A.  A peach

 

B.  The man who invented single-ply toilet tissue

 

C.  An imp

 

D.  People who preach recycling plastic

 

E.  A canned pea


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Sit Down Comedy …March 29th, 2019

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I, too, have no collusion with rushin’.

Slow down

That’s what I say.

Slow-cooked chicken. Give the bird a chance to reflect on its journey before you dip it in the gravy.

I like the slow lane on the freeway, just in case, on a whim, I decide to exit.

I’m the guy you honk at because I’m going the speed limit

And for some goddamn reason this has ruined your life.

I had to quit football because there was running. I loved the blocking. I loved the tackling. Looked pretty good in the uniform. I could not convince my coach that running was unnecessary. He explained that the other team would have people carrying the ball, and we must chase them, and stop them. I suggested we surround them and move in slowly for the kill. He didn’t agree.

I was at a department store yesterday, entering the door, when two ladies in front of us stopped to chat with a friend. It blocked the entrance. I was happy. For a few moments I didn’t have to move.

The lady right in front of me, turned and peered at me, hoping to get support for how stupid it was for these two women to be talking to another human, blocking her progress. She move her cart around them, but there was no room. Finally the two women who were having the delightful conversation realized they were being assaulted from the rear and stepped aside.

The lady zoomed by, disgusted.

She’s fast.

I’m not. All my turtles win by a “hare.”

So you can imagine how ill-suited I am for a season in which how speedily things are accomplished is more important than the quality of what is produced. I dare to say that’s the entire problem in our nation.

We have the evangelical church, which is racing around looking for signs of Armageddon and the Second Coming of Christ, while young people are testing the temperature and depth of the oceans, convinced we’re all in hot water, preparing to cook like lobsters.

Here I am, slowing down

We have picked our past four Presidents because they were like fast cars and we were acting like teenagers.

Bill Clinton was not ready to be President. He and his wife had not yet made their peace about his flirtations and womanizing.

George W. Bush should never have been President. We should have put him in charge of CIA Black Ops, and he could have murdered Saddam Hussein, which would have saved tens of thousands of lives and about a trillion dollars.

Barack Obama was also ill-prepared for the transition. Although a pleasant man, he did not understand the futility that had to be overcome to lead the country and fell victim to cunning minds.

And Donald Trump was doing extraordinarily well working with buildings and an “Apprentice” here and there, without being given a job which cannot always be negotiated through “The Art of the Deal.”

It was all too fast

And because of that, we are in the midst of an ongoing “clean-up on Aisle 3,” with mistakes being made which don’t seem to mop up.

So not being in a hurry to give my opinion, and allowing myself a space of time to think, I will tell you…

(to be continued)


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Cracked 5 … February 23rd, 2019

 


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Cracked 5

Surprising Revelations from the Mueller Report

 A. President Trump eats pizza with a fork because he has a deep affection for the fork

 

B.  He likes to watch Russians dressing

 

C.  His hair is real. Other things…not so much.

 

D.  The Trump Tower is actually a building.

 

E.  Donald Trump is the President of the United States.

The Mueller Report Cartoon

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Sit Down Comedy … October 19th, 2018

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Mack Smack

 

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Cracked 5 … September 8th, 2018


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Signs Your Staff Might Have Turned Against You

A. Those scamps have hidden your pens and paper clips

 

B. Secretary brings morning cup of warm piss

 

C. Readily resuming resumés

 

D. Muffled giggling when you walk away

 

E. Have New York Times on speed dial

 

Donald Trump Anonymous OpEd

 

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Drawing Attention … September 5th, 2018

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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art by smarrttie panntts

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Cracked 5 … September 1st, 2018


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Absolutely Fascinating Ways to Mangle Famous Sayings, Phrases or Quotations

 

A. What your country can do for you? DON’T ASK!

 

B. Fourscore and seven were scoreless

 

C. For God so hated the world…

 

D. Make America grape again.

 

E. Black Lives Mutter

 

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