Jonathots Daily Blog
(4021)
A. Side profile for candy pose is not flattering
B. Children think rabbits lay colored eggs
C. Colored eggs insist on being called “Chicken-born Americans”
D. Suing hip-hop music for stealing “hop” from “hoppity”
E. Dying on the cross for the sins of mankind
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Jonathots Daily Blog
(3993)
A. Warmer weather thaws out the dog turds
B. Nature is humping all around you
C. Companies try desperately to make Easter non-religious
D. Pants too warm, shorts too cold
E. Spring cleaning is exposed as a farce
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Jonathots Daily Blog
(3872)
Santa: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: Are you cussin’ or just glad to see me?
Santa: (hugs Jesus and pulls back) I almost didn’t recognize you.
Jesus: That’s because I’m traveling S. I.
Santa: S. I.?
Jesus: (smiling) Savior Incognito. So good to see you, old man.
Santa: Yeah, that’s interesting, because I supposedly have gained immortality, but they’ve stuck me at about seventy-five years of age.
Jesus: Well, I died at thirty-three–that’s where I’m kind of stuck, except I didn’t exactly leave behind a pretty corpse.
Santa: (frowning) Sorry about that.
Jesus: Oh, lighten up, old man. It’s Christmas. We’ll get around to that Easter stuff later.
Santa: Well, what brings you to this mall on this day?
Jesus: I was about to ask you the same question.
Santa: Well, there are so many people dressing up like me now, that it’s easy for me to slip in, as you say, incognito, and play myself at a mall. No one knows the difference.
Jesus: So why this mall?
Santa: The best damn curly fries at the food court. I’m tellin’ you, you’ve got to try them. They’re to die for.
Jesus: Was that another crack at my crucifixion?
Santa: Oh, I’m sorry…
Jesus: (punching him in the arm) Just kidding! You’ve gotta lighten up!
Santa: Well, there’s a lot of pressure. This time of year, you run into this “Christmas war” thing–you know, where you and I are supposed to be enemies. You representing the “true meaning of Christmas” and me being a commercial bungler.
Jesus: Well, don’t people know that you’re real name is Saint Nicholas?
Santa: I’ve always been your greatest fan. I watched what you did with children, learned from how you gave to people. And I took it seriously when you said in your Beatitudes, “Rejoice and be exceedingly glad.”
Jesus: And you even copied my twelve elves!
Santa: (a bit flustered) Well… Not exactly.
Jesus: Well, sometimes they acted like elves. You see, people like to keep you where they found you. Lots of folks met me in church so they think I live there. (whispering) Honest to God, Claus–I haven’t been there for years.
Santa: You’re right. Because with me, they loved the Old North Pole thing. Obviously couldn’t do all the work in one location. I have it spread all over the globe. Every once in a while, I even use Amazon.
Jesus: If people just understood that there’s no bad way to say Christmas. It’s kind of like the word “candy.” You can substitute “chocolate, peanut butter, confection, caramel”–and still, what comes to your mind is…
Santa: (interrupting) …candy. You’re right! You can say “reindeer, Christmas tree, carols, jingle bells or manger.” What comes to my mind is Christmas.
Jesus: So they can call it a holiday. That doesn’t help them. Because the word “holiday” means “holy day.” They can say “Season’s Greetings,” but everybody knows the season is Christmas.
Santa: People just fuss too much.
Jesus: I’d say “amen” but I’m not that religious.
Santa: You really aren’t, are you?
Jesus: Nope–I just love people. I love my Father, I love Mother Nature and I love the idea of life. You know I was born in a barn…
Santa: (laughing) That’s funny.
Jesus: (serious) What’s funny about it? You live in a toy shop with reindeer.
Santa: (serious) Well, I didn’t want to argue with you.
Jesus: (laughing) You really are uptight about this Christmas thing, aren’t you? Tell you what–let’s head off to the food court and you can buy me some of those curly fries and prove to me that they’re the best in the world.
Santa: That’s a deal–if you’ll tell me about the first Christmas.
Jesus: Well, I was just a little baby surrounded by asses.
(Santa is shocked)
Jesus: (poking him in the arm) You know–donkeys. Listen, old man–we’d better hurry and get those curly fries right now. You are desperately in need of some good cheer.
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Jonathots Daily Blog
(3631)
A. The Lucky Car Dealership giving away a rabbit’s foot for good luck as a promotional benefit during “Hoppy Sales Week”
B. Obtuse and confusing parallels drawn by ministers and church youth leaders between the Easter Bunny and the Resurrection of Christ
C. Peeps voted “Best Easter Candy.” Damn those chicks.
D. Jokes about the Easter Bunny being a “basket case”
E. Politically correct individuals upset with the term “colored eggs” want to change it to “hue-enhanced eggs.”
Jonathots Daily Blog
(3628)
For thirty-six hours, God walked away and left humanity to dangle in its notorious decisions.
Long ago, from six o’clock Friday to six o’clock on Sunday morning, the conclusions derived by the honoring of religion, the promotion of politics and the inclusion of jealousy reigned supreme on the Earth.
In the process, a hapless lamb was slaughtered so that a less-than-noble tribe of Bedouins could believe they were special because their ancestors had the fortitude to escape Egypt.
A governor of Judea slinked away to Caesarea to spend a quiet weekend with his wife, only to discover that she was enraged because he had failed to take her dream into consideration when judging an innocent man.
A betrayer from Kerioth who was blindly jealous of his Master, his best friend, climbed a small hill, tied a rope around his neck and hung himself from a tree.
Soldiers were demanded to guard a tomb to make sure that nobody went in, or for that matter, nobody came out.
Disciples who had followed a messenger of love were scared into hiding because they simply believed that “loving your neighbor as yourself” was not a greeting-card sentiment.
Repairmen came to clean up after an unexpected earthquake shook the region, leaving behind great damage, even in the Temple.
The world proceeded with a nauseating sameness, which gained the smugness of superiority because it appeared that any variables were nailed down and silenced.
The kingdom of religion seemed to succeed–a philosophy contending that tradition must decide.
The kingdom of politics stomped around the Great Hall, believing that greed decides.
And the kingdom of jealousy slithered away to lick its wounds, confident of temporary victory because fear had made its decision.
For thirty-six hours, God removed Himself from the circumstances, leaving religion, politics and jealousy to win the day.
It seemed that the obvious forces in power were as formidable as advertised–because everything which had objected, contradicted or shared a different approach was beaten, crucified and buried.
At first sight, there was no light.
And then God returned.
Actually, it was the Kingdom of God, which is within us. It is a Kingdom where faith decides because we are the ones who offer the input.
Even though the disciples of the slain Master were still tucked away, three women bravely made their way to a tomb.
They were not expecting a resurrection.
They were not anticipating finding a miracle.
They did what women have done since the beginning of time–they viewed how men had screwed everything up and they came to clean up the mess.
No bands played, no dignitaries arrived with a key to the city, no men who had pledged eternal allegiance surfaced.
Just three women carrying a bunch of spices, which they immediately dropped when they saw an empty tomb.
Easter is a time when we celebrate more than a resurrection. It is a moment in history when God shows us that even though insanity may temporarily take control, His grace, mercy, understanding and wisdom are never far away.
It was not easy to survive thirty-six hours without God. But because those thirty-six hours showed us the foolishness of religion, politics and jealousy, we can now revel with great joy in the Kingdom of God, which allows our faith to decide.
*****
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Jonathots Daily Blog
(3224)
Scold: a nasty rebuke offered by a disciplinarian to an underling.
No one likes to receive the scold. Matter of fact, it can unearth a teenage rebellion out of an eighty-year-old.
And also cloistered within “scold” are two other words, just as fussy and frustrating:
Cold: an absence of warmth, and
Old: the passing of years, turning us into grumpy sorts.
Although a strong case can be made that repentance is at the heart of our faith, trying to initiate that with harsh words offered to a fellow-traveler is highly unlikely. But it’s exactly the approach we take in the religious system to attempt to get people into the church.
We scold.
First we scold by saying, “We just don’t understand why people don’t come to church,” instead of sitting down and coming up with the logical reasons why a human being might not want to flock to the flock.
Then we turn cold.
If they actually do pop in on Easter, Christmas or for the baptism of a little grandson, we don’t know how to treat them. To a certain degree, we are frightened of the outside world–therefore, when people show up, we’re at a loss to muster the confidence to welcome them wholeheartedly.
And of course, we are freakishly old.
We expect people to come into the church and adapt to our ancient traditions. It’s been years since we’ve questioned whether the rituals in the church actually minister to human beings, or are just symbols of what we think the Divine might like.
The good news is, if we’ll stop scolding people with our cold attitude from an old mindset, we might just free up a new idea, using our talents to embrace strangers.
The better news is, we really have no option. If we don’t evolve very soon … there will be no one left around to scold.
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Jonathots Daily Blog
(2886)
This morning I quietly waded into the deeper end of my thoughts.
Every spring leading up to Easter, I feel abandoned by my faith. I have a sensation of being orphaned from the Christian family.
There is a sharp turn made from the gentleness of Jesus to the sacrifice of the Lamb of God. I fail to negotiate it.
It seems we suddenly go from believing in a savior of love to believing in a surrogate who came to fulfill ancient prophesy, to be the final blood sacrifice for the iniquity of us all.
I don’t understand the transition. Oh, don’t get me wrong–I’ve studied all the doctrines on the propitiation of sin and all the angles of blood atonement.
I just miss my friend, Jesus.
I want to rewrite the ending.
And I certainly can’t believe he was part of some cosmic design by an offended God who required plasma to confirm repentance. Not even God can plan without manipulating.
So I sit quietly.
This is the story I believe:
God loves us.
He yearns to be our Father.
As our Father, He is prepared to instruct us, but is careful to grant us free will.
Feeling He had abandoned us in the trap of our own indecision, He came to Earth to be one of us–to discover the sensations and assist in the confusion.
He took a risk.
For after all, there is a little bit of heaven in us, but also insecurities that can manifest treachery.
For thirty-three years, he learned, grew, analyzed obedience and was tempted as we are.
He taught us that we are brothers and sisters, not alienated by culture, but instead, united by a common creation.
Yet there were things he said we did not like.
We enjoyed conjuring enemies instead of acquiring neighbors.
We loved to assess blame instead of shouldering responsibility.
And we deeply revered the compartment of religion, keeping it separate from our daily decisions.
So we decided to kill off our elder brother, Jesus, in order to silence the incessant reminder of our greater potential.
Fortunately, God evolved with our free will.
What was meant for evil became good–because we are now united under one blood shed for our ignorance.
It was Jesus’ blood … and the blood of the Son makes us one.
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A voice writing in the wilderness
Jonathots Daily Blog 
