Sit Down Comedy … August 21st, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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10 Spontaneous One-Liners

1. “Kumquat—another name for a woman’s orgasm.”

2. “I shot an arrow into the air and where it fell…is now a crime scene.”

3. “The 2020 college football season has been fumbled away, fearing illegal motion.”

4. “Is Ridin’ Biden the best way to Thump Trump?”

5. “I went to a family reunion during an election year and escaped with a broken nose.”

6. “When Jesus walked on the water, he realized it was time to clean out the lake.”

7. “If you can’t be sexy, learn how to tell a good story.”

8. “If you’re a kid nowadays and your parents call you special, you don’t know if you’re brilliant or retarded.”

9. “I used to laugh at old people. Now I bitch at young folks.”

10. “If you would give me thirty seconds notice before the world comes to an end, I will gladly tell you what I really think about humus.”

1 Thing You Can Do to Assist in the Climate Crisis

Stop Announcing the End of the World

It just isn’t sexy.

Dead polar bears, melting ice caps and flooding cities may be what you believe we’re heading toward, but it is not the way to get the attention of a human being.

We should have learned that by now.

Don’t you just hate listening to a librarian who complains that no one wants to read books anymore? You want to say, “Shut up. Entice me. Seduce me. Give me a little foreplay before you insert the old Shakespeare.”

How about a corporation which is constantly threatening to go bankrupt? It’s so bad that the employees talk to you about it as you check out with your purchases. Here’s a clue: go bankrupt or go big.

Stop complaining.

I, for one, am disgusted with political parties telling me that if the other side wins, hell will not only break loose, but will spill all over my coffee table.

• Tell me what you want to do.
• Tell me who you are.
• Tell the truth.

Let the chips fall where they may.

And finally, I would certainly think we should have learned from religion, which constantly squawks, like Chicken Little, that the “sky is falling” and “the devil done did it agin.” I can’t see the devil, so give me something I can fight.

Don’t ask me if I “believe in climate change.”

Don’t judge me on the degree to which I affirm your findings.

Find two things. Then tell me what I can do.

Encourage me with a massive message of (a) do what you know; and (b) do what you hear.

For if I’m on my way to doing what I know and I hear something I can apply to do better, I’m already motivated and in the correct lane to make the turn.

But if you argue policies to convince me that no matter what, we are doomed by 2030, I would like you to take all your pamphlets and books, go off by yourself and masturbate.

You don’t win people over by telling them it’s “impossible.”

You don’t engage people by making them feel guilty about “why they haven’t joined up already.”

Find two things we can do.

Then allow the human race to do what we know and as we grow, to do what we hear.

Jesonian … October 28th, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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It’s called a non-sequitur.

Jesus was downright a master at it.

It’s when folks are talking about a particular subject, and you come along and insert a completely different idea, which takes the conversation in an unexpected direction.

Once, when confronted with a cynical young man named Nathaniel, who had pompously posed the nasty question, “Can any good thing come out of Nazareth?” Jesus popped off with a non-sequitur. “Behold, an Israelite in whom there is no deceit.”

Was it true? Was it an accurate representation of Nathaniel? Who knows? It was a non-sequitur. The boy thought he was going to say something stinky, and Jesus freshened it to something different.

Just like the woman at the well, who thought she was going to get into an argument with a Jew about how they treated Samaritans, and Jesus replied, “I can give you living water.”

You see, it wasn’t on point. But it chased away the stink.

Likewise, when he was conversing with a Pharisee named Nicodemus, who wanted to exchange compliments about being teachers of God, Jesus commented, “You must be born again.”

And he did it again with a bunch of people lamenting a tower falling on innocent people and killing them. Jesus’ non-sequitur was, “If you don’t repent, you will likewise perish.”

He frustrated his critics by refusing to allow them to control the topic.

A bunch of angry religionists brought a woman caught in adultery, quoting scripture about how she was to be killed. Jesus inserted a non-sequitur. “Well, I guess the person who throws the first stone should be without sin–otherwise, it wouldn’t be proper.”

The use of the non-sequitur peppers the ministry of Jesus, allowing him to spice the hot topics.

It is his way to chase away the stink.

Rather than talking about how crappy people act, or how negative the thinking may be, simply having the ability to steer the conversation in a meaningful motion by using a non-sequitur, without making apologies for diverting the subject, is truly an act of brilliance.

If you want to be Jesonian, you’re going to learn how to use the non-sequitur.

What non-sequitor would you use when somebody wants to talk about the end of the world and nuclear annihilation?

How about a non-sequitur when someone wants to grump, complain, or even brag about President Trump and Washington, D. C.?

Can you come up with something to chase away the stink of those who insist they hate change while living in a world that does nothing but evolve?

Jesus did not come to bitch about the bad attitudes that surrounded him. He ignored them by enlightening the mindset, using the non-sequitur, and in the process, chasing the stink away.

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Dudley … October 12th, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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DUDLEY

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this inspirational opportunity

Cracked 5 … December 27th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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The Day After Christmas Is Fairly Famous

Here Are Some “Day Afters” That Lacked Promise

A. The day after the Titanic launch

 

B. The day after my first treatment of “Twelve Day Colon Rinse”

 

C. The day after the end of the world

 

D. The day after my wife told me to buy a lottery ticket on the way home from work with a specific number she wanted and I forgot and it ended up winning $416,723,000

 

E. The day after my funeral

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Good News and Better News… December 21st, 2015

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Some people like to plan.

Other people think that planning is one of the Biblical signs of the end of the world.

There are individuals who contend that “the Lord helps them who help themselves.”

Yet there are pilgrims who lament that helping yourself is a sign of a lack of faith.

In today’s picture, you see what is left in our room after we packed away at the end of a two-and-a-half week stay in Ocala, Florida. During that hiatus, we composed music, continued our blogs, bought Christmas presents, ate too much (as usual) and made plans for 2016, which may or may not come off with the precision we envision.

But it all came down to a hamburger bun, a V-8 and an orange. And for the record, I drank the V-8 right after taking the picture, the orange was for breakfast, and the bun was discarded since nothing was found to cuddle inside.

Here’s what I think about planning:

I take my wisdom from the Good Book, where it describes what jesus said when he sent his disciples out for the first time to talk about the Good News. it was well-thought-out.

He suggested what they should wear, how much money to take, how to treat folks along the way, where to sleep–even some examples of what to say. But at the end of the whole process, he let them know that no matter how much they planned, things would come into the picture to screw up the vision.

His words, if you will allow me to paraphrase, were, “Don’t freak out about what you’re going to say and do. In that hour, the Spirit will give you the stuff you need.”

What a brilliant idea.

Since I’m a human being–and if I’m not busy, I’m probably worrying–then pursuing a plan is a healthy choice.

But also, since I’m a human being dealing with other human beings, understanding that putting the word “perfect” before “plan” is obviously added for comic relief. Therefore I can prepare my heart in good cheer, and sit back to let God do God things.

Traveling on the road all these years, I have learned that a lack of planning is presumptuous. Too much planning, or not being flexible to abandon a plan, is called failure.

So the good news is, planning is beneficial if the plan is made out of paper and not stone.

And the better news is that when the plan begins to fumble and show its more feeble nature … we have been given a Spirit to see us through the aching lack.

 

 

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Ask Jonathots… July 2nd, 2015

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I’m living with my boyfriend, and have been for over a year. About every six months, my mom and I get into an argument because she thinks we should get married. Honestly, I just don’t see the need. I love him, he loves me, and if that changes we don’t have to get a divorce. What’s wrong with that?

God looks on the heart.

I’m sure you’ve heard that. He does not look on the outward appearance, but instead, views our intentions.

Your mother is probably concerned about what’s happening in your bedroom, and God is much more concerned about what’s going on in your living room.

In the process of occupying the same home, what are the two of you deciding about living?

For I will tell you, if you’re living together because you want the opportunity to bail out of the relationship without having a lawyer, then it is an unfulfilling situation, which means it’s unrighteous.

This would be true about a marriage also.

There is one rule and one rule alone: we are to love people as we love ourselves.

Honestly, if that’s what you’re doing, then God, who has no intentions of rummaging through your drawer looking for a license, already considers you married.

Yet if you have a license but have no respect for each other, and you treat yourself better than you treat your spouse, God finds the arrangement immoral.

So let’s get it straight.

Long before we discuss marriage, let’s discuss relationship. Because just as surely as someone can go to church and not be a Christian, you can have a ceremony and not be truly married to one another.

God does not have the respect for marriage that we do. Matter of fact, Jesus used the process of being married and making plans to get married to describe the indifferent atmosphere which will exist at the end of the world.

So what are we looking for?

1. Commitment.

Have we decided that we’re going to hang together no matter what happens? If not, we’re just dating. That goes for married couples, too.

2. Do we have a legitimate interest in one another’s dreams?

Asking someone to come along to be a cheerleader is not a relationship.

3. Are we willing to include this other person in the private areas of our heart?

If God looks on the heart, the definition of a Godly love is to allow someone else to look on ours.

4. And finally, are we willing to pledge allegiance to the fidelity of our love?

In other words, when temptations come, rather than ignoring them or pretending they don’t exist, we share our fears and apprehensions.

If you find you have all four of these things with your live-in boyfriend, then you only have one other question.

Would there be an advantage to have a piece of paper which would allow Uncle Sam to give great tax deductions by filing jointly, and also keep your mother at bay, so that all she would have left to complain about is housekeeping?

Do I think marriage is here to stay?

Marriage will always be important if those who truly have a love that is inclusive of one another want to declare to the whole world … and seal it with a kiss.

Got a question for Jonathots? Send it to jacquelinebarnett76@gmail.com.

 

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