Things I Learned from R. B. … August 16th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4496)

Episode 28

It seems that driving on the wrong side of the road is illegal, even in Hendersonville, Tennessee.

Sitting at home on a quiet Sunday afternoon, I received a phone call from the local police. I was informed that R. B. was in their custody and that he had given them my phone number—and headquarters was wondering if I would meet the officers down in front of the shopping center near the middle of town.

I wanted to ask questions, but my instinct was that this would be met with resistance—especially since the lady calling would probably not know the specifics anyway.

So I drove down to the parking lot. As I cruised along, I saw R. B. sitting on a bench in front of Jersey Mike’s Subs, with a constable on either side. When he saw me, he waved and cheered.  I parked, got out of my car, walked up and R. B. started blabbering out a story.  When it became obvious that he was not making sense, the kind officers interrupted.

The police had been notified that a red car was driving down the wrong side of the street at about fifteen miles per hour, scattering traffic.

When they arrived on the scene, R. B. had already traveled almost a mile-and-a-half down the main thoroughfare. Yet the officers were able to corral his car and he finally came to a stop, bumping into a fire hydrant.

When they saw him and did a preliminary interview, they found that he was not malicious—nor a drug lord.

He gave them my telephone number and address, so they decided to transfer him into my care. As I gazed at him sitting on the bench, he was so thin that he looked like a marionette between the two puppeteers.

I must tell you—my first instinct was to run. I don’t know what kept me there. Maybe it was propriety. Perhaps I was afraid to object in front of the lawmen.

I agreed.

Somehow, I was able to gather him together, get him into my car, and drove the two-and-a-half miles to my house. He was so exhausted from the experience that he lay down on my upstairs couch and fell fast asleep.

This was the day I had known was coming. Barring an all-out Holy Ghost miracle, R. B. was going to get sicker and sicker.

I knew I couldn’t take him back home. He would just try to drive again—but this time, somebody might get hurt. I made a couple of phone calls to agencies and was blessed by assistance from some angels of mercy, who quickly and efficiently located a hospice for R. B., so he could be under constant care. I was astounded at the mercy extended. How wonderful to live in a country that provides such fail-safes.

When R. B. woke up, I explained that I was going to take him someplace—that he wouldn’t have to worry about cooking, cleaning up, or complaints from the family living below him.

He seemed to be fine with it and settled in. Then it was time for me to leave. It dawned on him that I was departing without him. He was so angry. He swore at me, and with weak and feeble arms, he took a swing—trying to strike me. He was unable to complete his blows, but tears streamed down his face as he gritted his teeth, feeling betrayed.

Maybe he was.

They sedated him. After fifteen minutes, I was able to leave, telling them to let R. B. know that I would return tomorrow.

I went home, realizing it was time to involve his family from Rhode Island—whether they wished to be disturbed or not.

 

This Is To Inform You… April 21, 2014

_________________________________________

The Garden Sepulchre, Inc.

“Not just another hole in the hill”

________________________________________

Monday morning, bright and early

Dear Mr. Christ:

       This is to inform you that careful inspection of Lot #33 in our spacious, well-kept facility this morning rendered some egregious breaches in our contract with you.

       Our establishment has a history of solemnity and responsibility that must be honored by our clients and those left behind as caretakers of sweet memories.

Therefore, we reluctantly, but firmly, must ask you to right some wrongs:

1. You vacated the premises without sufficient notice. (Since this has never happened before, we are not positive on how to levy a charge.)

2. An unacceptable amount of sound and fury was heard coming from your resting place pre-dawn Sunday.

3. The gorgeous sedimentary rock placed as your final stage-door exit was moved and severely damaged. Unacceptable.

4. Screaming women racing from the sanctuary of solitude.

5. All sorts of miscellaneous meat bones and empty flasks of wine abandoned near the entrance. (Apparently an inexplicable party of some sort minus a clean-up committee.)

6. Reports of someone allegedly from your entourage walking about, imitating our gardener. (Identity theft.)

7. And in conclusion, even though the internal space was left clean, with garments folded, we are presently missing your body, which is most distressing to an institution of our reputation and ilk.

Mr. Christ, please attend to these matters. Failure to do so could result in court proceedings, which should prove costly, both financially and to your good name.

                                           Sincerely yours,

                                           Deadus Tu Me

 

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