Sit Down Comedy … March 27th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Sit Down Comedy

 

Reveille

1. Eyes pop open, allowing the “sleepies” to crunch, break and fall into the crevices at the side of the socket.

2. Pause. Don’t judge how you feel. It will usually get better.

3. Find your toes and wiggle them slowly, then faster and faster, like you’re five years old on Christmas morning.

4. Pull one foot from under the covers. Give it a full ten seconds to look around.

5. Breathe the air deeply three times. Thank God, you still have oxygen.

6. Allow the leg attached to that foot acting as a scout to slide off the mattress and matriculate to the floor, coaxing the other leg to follow.

7. Immediately say, “I am not dead,” and then try to be glad about it.

8. Two feet down, rub them on the floor like they are learning choreography and this is the first rehearsal.

9. Think something funny.

10. Say it out loud in a funny way.

11. Think of someone who’s mad at you.

12. Grab your phone and text them to forgive, forget or apologize.

13. Stand and reach for the ceiling (ignore all creaking).

14. Go to the bathroom and enjoy Royal Pee (the piss of the gods).

15. Complete your bathroom ritual, known only to you and sacred through your birthright.

16. Emerge and put on the clothes you selected the night before. Never wait ‘til morning to choose your duds. Too much pressure from ignored footwear.

17. Pause. Think up your morning greeting. What will it be? Make it different every day. For instance, “The canary died, but I escaped the mine.” Or “I smell like a living person.”

18. Come to kitchen. Hydrate—drink. See what is available to eat. Choose two.

19. Converse in reverse. Don’t ask people how they are. Tell them how you are, with hopes they will join in.

20. Ask the family pet three humorous questions, but don’t pause for answers.

21. Text someone you love and confirm it.

22. Leave with friendly thoughts.

23. Start your car. Let it idle for one minute.

24. Take that minute to pronounce aloud two things you are grateful for and two things you desire to achieve.

25. Drive off, making sure you are the first one to let someone into traffic in front of you.

Untotaled: Stepping 16 (October 2nd, 1965) 64-0 … May 31, 2014

Jonathots Daily Blog

(2250)

(Transcript)

Catholic kids had all the advantages.

That’s why, when I looked on our football schedule for the year and saw that Barker Academy was on October 2nd, I was really pissed off.

Being raised in the Midwest, I was not really favorable to Catholics in the first place. I didn’t know why–just something I inherited and was infused in me during my training by my family and community.

I kind of think we hated them because they had money. (It’s ironic that we hate other people for having money as we desperately pursue getting money. Maybe it’s the classic case of self-hatred.)

Barker Academy didn’t have any more players than we did. Matter of fact, we out-weighed them and seemed to have even cuter uniforms.

So when the game started and I lined up in front of a 150-pound kid wearing wire-framed glasses covered with black tape, peeking at me through his battered helmet, I nearly giggled. I was almost double his size and certainly not wearing such ridiculous spectacles.

Yet when the ball was hiked on the first play and I found myself knocked on my backside as the running back dashed past me, forty-five yards for a touchdown, I realized that this little Catholic boy was going to have to die.

I tried everything–overpowering him, tricking him, even tried to trip him a couple of times–all to no avail.

At the end of the first quarter, when we were behind 28-0, fear crept into my bowels. Those ugly glasses that donned his face now seemed to posses the power to destroy.

So in a fit of desperation, on the next play I hurled my body over the line, knocking the kid over, grabbing onto the leg of the running back, only to procure his shoe in my hand as he ran fifty-two yards for another score.

In some desire to prove my value, I carried the boy’s shoe over to the bench to show my coach that I was making a valiant effort. He just stared at me as the referee retrieved the footwear and whistled for play to continue.

I played both ways. That means I was on offense, too. Did I happen to mention that we had none?

It was almost like Barker Academy not only knew what play we were going to run, and had figured out a way to foil it, but had also rehearsed dances and jigs to taunt us every time they threw us for a loss.

Shortly before the first half was over, I ran to the sideline and in deep exasperation, I screamed at the coach: “We need a better defense!”

He gave me that gaze you often see on the countenance of a serial killer, and then rethought his murderous ways, hearkening back to his training of a Bachelor of Education Degree from Ohio State University, and yelled back, “We don’t need a new defense! We just need you to defend!”

It was a good point, though it made me pout.

The second half was no better than the first half. It was the longest two hours of my life, as Barker beat us to a pulp, 64-0.

For the next two weeks, I woke up in a cold sweat almost every night, being chased by those ugly wire-frame, taped glasses.

I know it is appropriate, at this point in a story, to share what I learned from this experience, or to bring it to some sort of hopeful conclusion.

I have none.

The only thing I can tell you is, as I walked off the field, I swore to myself: never again.

 

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Arizona morning

After an appearance earlier this year in Surprise, Arizona, Janet and I were blessed to receive a “surprise” ourselves. Click on the beautiful Arizona picture above to share it with us!

Click here to get info on the "Gospel According to Common Sense" Tour

Click here to get info on the “Gospel According to Common Sense” Tour

Please contact Jonathan’s agent, Jackie Barnett, at (615) 481-1474, for information about scheduling SpiriTed in 2014.

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Click here to listen to Spirited music

 

 

Charlotte’s World … August 5, 2013

Jonathots Daily Blog

(1966)

charlotte drawing

She came to my table and presented me with a picture.

Her name was Charlotte Lee, she was nine years old, and she had graciously and beautifully drawn a portrait of Janet and myself during our performance in Suttons Bay, Michigan, yesterday morning.

I liked her art.

Maybe it was because Charlotte’s representation of me was much skinnier. Matter of fact, I almost look normal

She gave me hair (even though she was very faithful to portray my bald landing strip at the crown),

Very astutely, she made Jan look like there was a horn growing out of her head (which actually would be very helpful and practical for encouraging rehearsal).

It was also magnificent that she made our feet the same size and we were wearing identical shoes, which if you think about it, would be wonderful–because then we could buy footwear in bulk.

I appreciated the vulnerability she expressed by taking one of the images she had launched upon and scratching it out–yet leaving it behind to show us the evolution involved in the process of creating great work. We will never know what was beneath those scratchings, yet for generations perhaps, the critics shall muse and speculate.

Don’t you like the fact that she made us smile? No–they really aren’t smiles.  More like grins. A smile can be pasted on for convenience, but a grin says the face has been surprised.

I like Charlotte’s world. It’s full of good cheer, mercy for our size and appearance, practicality for shoes and admission of flaws–by leaving behind the remnants of first drafts.

As I think about it, all of those things put together may be a delightful definition of love.

Thank you, Charlotte.

And we also appreciate the fact that unlike many fledgling artisans, you didn’t object to distribution or fuss with us about royalties.

 

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity

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