Cracked 5 … November 2nd, 2019

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Cracked 5

Lame, Scary Costumes Rejected by Everyone for Halloween

A. An IRS agent

 

B. Gonorrhea, dressed as a red, swollen penis

 

C. A muscular guy in a black t-shirt with the word “HOLY” written across his pecs in gold

 

D. Dressed as your girlfriend. (Not sweet—weird.)

 

E. Any costume you have to explain.

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Cracked 5 … October 26th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Real Ways Women Are Different from Men

A. They don’t sit around considering why men are superior.

 

B. They stay home more because they have less paycheck.

 

C. They don’t babysit–they have children.

 

D. They rarely think about the size of a penis.

 

E. They don’t feel cramped—they have cramps.

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Sit Down Comedy … September 21st, 2018

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Women Are Not the Booby Prize

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Published in: on September 21, 2018 at 2:53 pm  Leave a Comment  
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3 Things… March 1st, 2018

Jonathots Daily Blog

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That Make It Easier to Get Along with Members of the Opposite Sex

1. Stop acting, treating or viewing them as opposites

2. Learn what the person likes and let them teach you to like it

3. Tell them who you really are and don’t lie

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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … December 31st, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Dear Man Dear Woman

Woman: Alluring. Yes, I think that’s what she said.

 

Man: What are you talking about?

 

Woman: I was listening to this girl on a talk show say that she felt it was very important to her, as a female, to be alluring.

 

Man: What’s wrong with that? Everyone wants to be attractive.

 

Woman: You see, it’s not the same word. She said “alluring.” You said “attractive.”

 

Man: Aren’t they the same thing?

 

Woman: Not at all. You can be attractive in your own mind’s eye without ever being appealing to anyone else. Alluring is when you visually seduce someone–to want you.

 

Man: That’s a stretch. I want to be considered handsome.

 

Woman: But you see, I need to be pretty. Handsome has a thousand definitions. But pretty has two or three representations.

 

Man: OK. I’ll bite. What are you getting at?

 

Woman: There are different words used to describe the attributes of a woman than those of a man. For instance, men are considered intelligent. But a woman is smart. Intelligence connotes that you’ve studied, worked on something and have used your ability to become well versed on a subject. Smart is more like a fluke. In other words, most women are not very intelligent–but this particular one–she’s smart.

 

Man: I think you’re just being over-sensitive.

 

Woman: How about this? A woman is strong but a man is brave. In other words, here’s a lady who by some miracle has great strength, but this man over here has used his moxy to do some outstanding deed.

 

Man: I suppose you have others?

 

Woman: Yeah. Women are faithful but men are loyal. In other words, is it even possible for a man to be faithful? Or can all a woman expect is a certain degree of loyalty? Let me give you another one. Women are hopeful. Men are positive. Hopeful, maybe. because we have less opportunity? Positive because the ball’s always in your court–it’s just a matter of you keeping the right mindset?

 

Man: Much as I hate to admit it, I do kind of understand what you’re saying. Can I do one? Men are virile. Women are sexy. In other words, as a man, I have a natural animal appeal, whereas a woman has to work really hard to make herself pleasing to the male of the species.

 

Woman: Even the terms “masculine” and “feminine.” Just by the feel of the words, we’re led to believe that masculine portrays great energy and feminine is a position of being more submissive.

 

Man: So what is your point?

 

Woman: My point is that the language works against us. It stacks the deck–making women believe that unless we are alluring we can’t be attractive. In other words, our self-esteem is wrapped up in whether a man has visions of having sex with us. If a woman said that about a man, we’d call her a slut. But men have no problem portraying that a woman needs to be ready to be a lover to be considered viable.

 

Man: Well, how would you change that?

 

Woman: I don’t know, but I think we made a giant step here. You’ve listened to my statements about it without becoming infuriated. That’s pretty special.

 

Man: I understand that. I comprehend the expectations that are placed on me as a male, and also those that are thrust on you as a female.

 

Woman: It’s just that our male-dominated society needs to realize that until things stop being thrust on women, the world will be a little akilter.

 

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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … December 17th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Dear Man Dear Woman

Man: I do enjoy talking with you.

 

Woman: Me, too…except I would love to start seeing some things change instead of just lamenting how they are.

 

Man: Where would you start?

 

Woman: I think I would start by exposing the dangers of the “religion of romance.”

 

Man: What an interesting phrase. The religion of romance. What is that exactly?

 

Woman: It’s over-emphasizing the pleasure of sexuality between men and women, leaving out the greater benefits we have for each other.

 

Man: Which would be…?

 

Woman: Men and women are both controlling and conniving. It’s the weakness of the human race. We don’t learn to address these two vices when we’re children, living in a house with Mom and Dad, or even when we hang around people of our same sex. Because there is so much controlling and conniving put into romance, it is an excellent opportunity to expose that troublesome two, and in the process, become better human beings.

 

Man: I see. So you think that because we focus so much on sexual intercourse, we never allow our relationship to mature, to be the give-and-take of discovery.

 

Woman: Not only that–because we characterize romance as “sexiness,” when that begins to die down, we feel we have lost something. Then we go out and find other lovers to ignite the memories.

 

Man: Meanwhile, we have a mortgage and children through our initial flame, which have to be distributed as “goods” when we decide we’re not right for each other anymore.

 

Woman: It’s one of the few things that the religious and secular communities agree on–they feel romance should be hot, scintillating and so strong that we can’t keep our hands off each other.

 

Man: It’s so foolish when you think about it. Sex obviously won’t stay at level ten, so there needs to be a transition to something deeper. But since romance centers on our genitals instead of our brain, we lose faith in each other and start looking for that “necking session in the back seat of the car” from high school.

 

Woman: It isn’t like maturing a relationship is not absolutely dazzling. Having someone who challenges you on your controlling nature, or who doesn’t put up with the shit of your lies, is a gift from God. But if you’re afraid you’ll lose your bedroom magic, you may play the game and end up losing.

 

Man: So what would you suggest to get this thing started?

 

Woman: I think we should make fun of the overwrought plots in movies and television that focus on the physical aspects of love instead of the complete package. I would be so thrilled to see two mature human beings of the opposite sex talking about this issue in candor as a plot for a movie.

 

Man: So to overcome the “religion of romance,” we have to really prove that sex is not a god.

 

Woman: Very good. Because we worship sex. We sacrifice at the altar of carnal relationships. And we end up mistreating each other when the fire turns into a cozy sensation of security instead of a torrid affair.

 

Man: This is really interesting.

 

Woman: I know. It’s great to talk about. But here’s the truth. As a human, I will be controlling and conniving unless I have a long-standing relationship with someone who refuses to let me be ridiculous.

 

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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … December 10th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Dear Man Dear Woman

Man: I have heard some of my more intelligent and well-educated friends, who would never speak a racial slur nor attack the civil rights of any individual, stand in my presence and tell a joke to the detriment and humiliation of the opposite sex.

 

Woman: Me, too. Matter of fact, I have many acquaintances who claim to be atheists–but who basically buy into the idea of a “fall” in Eden which left men struggling and women overly dependent.

 

Man: It seems the only thing people are willing to agree on is how disagreeable and unnatural the inner workings are between men and women.

 

Woman: So is it possible there actually was a fall?

 

Man: Well, let’s begin with a startling revelation. According to the Book of Genesis, humans were created perfect. So the premise that “nobody’s perfect” is contrary to the concept of the original layout. If we believe human beings are naturally imperfect and have a built-in excuse for inadequacy, then to a certain degree, we rubber-stamp the sinful fall from perfection.

 

Woman: Wow. That’s far out. The problem is, this alleged fall left men dominating and women afraid that they weren’t measuring up–submissive.

 

Man: It’s obvious in our society, even among those we comically refer to as “the elite,” that women want equality–a status that can only be confirmed by a generous, tender-hearted, loving and free-thinking male. But simultaneously, they tend to screw testosterone-driven dorks, who treat them like property. So women giggle through “Fifty Shades of Grey,” pretending it’s lascivious, while promoting the notion that this lady in the book only becomes free and happy when she is mistreated sexually and gradually develops an appetite for it.

 

Woman: That’s also far out. So what we as women really say is that men who are nice are either gay or obviously limp, and men who are mean may drive us mentally crazy but we can’t wait to get in the sack with them.

 

Man: So this creates a question. Can a man, simply by being courteous and equitable, change the environment between the sexes, or will women have to walk away from what seems to be their post-Eden curse of cuddling up to aggression?

 

Woman: I think it begins with women realizing that their sexuality is located in their brain, which stimulates the clitoris, and as long as they’re with someone who’s willing to be around when it’s stimulated, it would be better to choose someone who offers intelligent and kind conversation over coffee.

 

Man: And it’s up to men to realize that the movies, books and entertainment suggest that women have a weakness for bad boys, but there is no future in becoming one.

 

Woman: As far as I know, Eden was reported to be a place of perfection because men and women worked together and found pride in their accomplishments and joy in their sex.

 

Man: And until both men and women are ready to return to a life that is first heart-felt, secondly soulful, thirdly mindful, and therefore, finally sexually fulfilling, they will continue to act out a nightmare of dominance and submission.

 

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The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity


Don’t let another Christmas season go by without owning Jonathan’s book of Christmas stories

Mr. Kringle’s Tales …26 Stories ‘Til Christmas

Only $5.99 plus $1.25 shipping and handling!

An advent calendar of stories, designed to enchant readers of all ages

“Quite literally the best Christmas stories I have ever read.” — Arthur Holland, Shelby, North Carolina

Only $5.99 plus $1.25 shipping and handling.

"Buy

 

 

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