Cracked 5 … August 24th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4146)

Cracked 5

Answers to the question, “Why Are We Here?”

A.  Why are we here? Really horny chimpanzees

 

B.  Why are we here? Needed a place for mentally retarded angels

 

C.  Why are we here? God is playing again

 

D.  Why are we here? ‘Over there’ didn’t allow fat, homely people

 

E.  Why are we here? To divide up in colors and kill each other

 

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The *** Word … August 6th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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THE

Image result for gif of alphabet

WORD


ASSHOLE

Can’t give up on each other.

BITCH

Upgrading, not degrading.

CULTURE

Be different. Find something the same.

DEVIL

May the hell be scared out of you.

EXCEPTIONAL

Not so much.

FUCK

Only for pleasure.

GOD

I don’t know and neither do you.

HELL

Hope not.

IGNORANCE

Everything I don’t know.

JERUSALEM

Just a town.

KU KLUX KLAN

Too much alliteration.

LUCK AND LOSER

Not for you to decide.

MOST

There’s always more.

NIGGER

Use the word, lose seventy I.Q. points.

ODD

By whose standard?

POLITICAL PUNDIT

Just a reason to wear a suit.

QUIET

Over-rated.

RELIGIOUS

Too much Godly—not enough God.

SARCASTIC

Nasty ninny.

TRUTH

Not for you and I to completely know.

USELESS

Not our call.

VICTIM

Find a reason to escape it.

WORRY

Wasted energy.

XENOPHOBIA

The stupidity of the less traveled.

YOUTHFUL

A state of mind.

ZEALOT

Too goddamn sure.

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Cracked 5 … July 13th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4104)

Cracked 5

Things That God Almost Decided to Do Instead of Create the Earth

 A. Turn the Milky Way into the Snickers Galaxy

 

 B.  Make badminton crazy popular

 

 C.  Create smaller planets out of see-through farts

 

 D.  Get married and have “little angels”

 

 E.  Cure those damn sunspots

 

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1 Thing This Week That Life Really Wants You to Know

 

It’s not decided.

Yes, you will actually have to show up to the meeting, live through it, make your points and succeed or fail.

God is not going to take over for you.

Supernatural help is not coming to your aid, nor rallying to destroy you.

It’s not decided.

Your love will only grow as your fear is exposed.

Your faith will expand if you freely speak out your doubt.

Your destiny will be determined by how well you use your good cheer.


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Sit Down Comedy … June 21st, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4083)


God.

Would you stop talking about God?

Unless this God of yours has a goddamn idea on how to overcome this god-awful mediocrity.

I, for one, am fed up with anyone or anything that needs to be worshipped.

I can barely get someone’s attention at McDonald’s.

Where does God get off thinking we should stand up for thirty minutes, sing atrocious songs with insipid lyrics, and feed His ego—when He owns title and lien to the whole mess of the Universe?

And by the way, stop promoting books written by Bedouin prophets who believe that demons cause sickness. (By the way, they don’t.)

No more God talk until we have God walk

Here’s the problem—to be religious, you must buy into religion.

They won’t let you be religious by taking God in your everyday life and trying to love people. You have to purchase the whole package—kind of like a gym membership. You sign on the dotted line, it sounds like a good deal, you think you might be interested. But after you go there and realize you can’t measure up to the clientele who are lifting their heavy burdens, you don’t ever want to go back.

Religion says: God is in heaven.

I say: God is on Earth, or what’s the big deal?

Religion: God is to be worshipped.

But I say unto you:  God is a lifestyle—a way of living. Otherwise, if we’re just going to meet Him when we die, why mess around with Him now?

The church says God is a Savior.

I happen to believe that God is life abundantly. He’s just as interested in my pizza choices as He is my Bible study.

They will preach to you that God is a spirit. I happen to believe that God is the person next to me. If I treat him or her poorly, I register “suck” on the meter.

Of course, we’ve all heard that God is contained in the Bible. I will object and say that I think that God is my living word, if I dare to use my words for better living.

God is a Creator? Sure.

But more importantly, God is creating—even strange essays written by folks like me who might perturb those who pursue more of a divine sensibility.

And there are those who feel they can judge other people and tell you that God is Law.

May I proclaim to you that God is love, and if He isn’t, He’s not of much use to us at this point in our history.

OMG.

Stop talking about it, unless you’re prepared to bring something to Show and Tell.


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1 Thing You Can Do This Week To Help Civilization and Not Harm

 

Stop Inserting Your Opinion

You may think people want to hear it—they really don’t.

If they ask for your thoughts, it is mostly to confirm what they have stated and believe. If you are not exactly on point, they will no longer be interested in your input.

At this point, you may be tempted to do something even worse: defend your opinion.

May I give you some ideas? You might view them as guidelines, or at least an interesting read:

  1. If you weren’t there, don’t speculate.
  2. If you aren’t pregnant and it’s not your baby, stay out of it.
  3. If it’s not your bedroom, then quietly shut the door and walk away.
  4. People may disagree with you. That does not make them ignorant, bastard elitists.

And There Are Even More…

  1. Go ahead and enjoy your God. Let others wonder, deny or search at will.
  2. If you are not female, do not speculate on a woman’s place.
  3. If you didn’t try it, be quiet.
  4. If you don’t know, then go.
  5. If it’s not your life, cut the strife.
  6. And finally, if it doesn’t bless, avoid the mess.

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The G Word … March 19th, 2019

THE

Image result for gif of letter g

WORD


The G word is God

It is definitely a word that needs great clarification before it’s spoken in a room occupied with human beings. After all, I don’t know whether you’re talking about the one who blesses, or damns.

I don’t know what intention you have in referencing the Almighty. The name of God has been used to foster genderism, racism and nationalism, not to mention rape, war and murder.

It’s just too easy.

The Great Fix: when in doubt, mention God.

Your political campaign circling the toilet? Make some reference to your faith and how you feel God has called you to pursue government position.

Get caught abusing young boys and girls? Explain that your work for God left you desolate of the fortitude to withstand your own temptations.

Is this a God that blows up buildings, or a God who laments the loss of the unicorn?

Is this G-O-D you’re tossing in my direction a blanket of comfort or a hand grenade to blow up my dreams?

We can no longer allow people to utter the word “God” in parlor conversation, and then turn around on a whim and assign all sorts of duties, actions and even atrocities to Him.

I would much rather hear you explain what your faith is going to do than have you hand me a book of text verifying how old and sacred your belief truly is.

“God” is a word we need to stop using—unless we’re prepared to back it up with a life that honors His creation instead of decimating it.

Because even the One who was proclaimed to be the Savior of the World said to beware those who come crying, “Lord, Lord”–but know nothing about the Heavenly Heart.


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