Jonathots Daily Blog
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That Should Be Included in Every Prayer
1. I am grateful
2. I don’t know what I’m doing
Sit Down Comedy … March 27th, 2020
Jonathots Daily Blog
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Reveille
1. Eyes pop open, allowing the “sleepies” to crunch, break and fall into the crevices at the side of the socket.
2. Pause. Don’t judge how you feel. It will usually get better.
3. Find your toes and wiggle them slowly, then faster and faster, like you’re five years old on Christmas morning.
4. Pull one foot from under the covers. Give it a full ten seconds to look around.
5. Breathe the air deeply three times. Thank God, you still have oxygen.
6. Allow the leg attached to that foot acting as a scout to slide off the mattress and matriculate to the floor, coaxing the other leg to follow.
7. Immediately say, “I am not dead,” and then try to be glad about it.
8. Two feet down, rub them on the floor like they are learning choreography and this is the first rehearsal.
9. Think something funny.
10. Say it out loud in a funny way.
11. Think of someone who’s mad at you.
12. Grab your phone and text them to forgive, forget or apologize.
13. Stand and reach for the ceiling (ignore all creaking).
14. Go to the bathroom and enjoy Royal Pee (the piss of the gods).
15. Complete your bathroom ritual, known only to you and sacred through your birthright.
16. Emerge and put on the clothes you selected the night before. Never wait ‘til morning to choose your duds. Too much pressure from ignored footwear.
17. Pause. Think up your morning greeting. What will it be? Make it different every day. For instance, “The canary died, but I escaped the mine.” Or “I smell like a living person.”
18. Come to kitchen. Hydrate—drink. See what is available to eat. Choose two.
19. Converse in reverse. Don’t ask people how they are. Tell them how you are, with hopes they will join in.
20. Ask the family pet three humorous questions, but don’t pause for answers.
21. Text someone you love and confirm it.
22. Leave with friendly thoughts.
23. Start your car. Let it idle for one minute.
24. Take that minute to pronounce aloud two things you are grateful for and two things you desire to achieve.
25. Drive off, making sure you are the first one to let someone into traffic in front of you.
Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … October 29th, 2016
Jonathots Daily Blog
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Man: I just saw this guy that was really pissed off.
Woman: What was the problem?
Man: Well, he held the door open for this lady and she waltzed through without smiling or saying thank you, so he called her the “b word.”
Woman: You mean “bitch?”
Man: I don’t like to say that word.
Woman: Unless you get angry enough, right?
Man: That’s not fair.
Woman: You know what’s not fair? When men or women do kindness to one another and attach onto it the notion that they are performing this graciousness because the other party is inferior.
Man: I don’t know what you mean.
Woman: It’s the difference between being considerate and condescending.
Man: Give me an example.
Woman: It’s like that guy you saw. He held the door open because he looks at women as weaker vessels who need to be treated carefully and given space.
Man: What’s wrong with that?
Woman: It’s coming from his head. It shows that he thinks females are not as capable as he is. The same thing’s true if he buys his girlfriend flowers. She may not like flowers. But she’s supposed to like flowers because it’s built into our system that men can manipulate women with flowers. Or guys who buy women drinks at a bar. They figure by putting ten or fifteen dollars into an investment, they can purchase her time and affection.
Man: I don’t get it. So what should a guy do to show that he’s honoring women?
Woman: Stop honoring us and start accepting us. For instance, it’s all right for a woman to hold a door for a man.
Man: Maybe. But it feels weird.
Woman: Why? Because women can’t open a door?
Man: No, that’s not what I’m saying. Tension exists between men and women, so any piece of courtesy should be revered as helpful.
Woman: Wow. That sounds weird. The truth of the matter is, it’s not considerate if you think you’re going to get something off of it by doing it. Then it becomes condescending. It’s like giving two dollars to a homeless person and then chatting with your friend about how you didn’t think he or she appreciated it enough. What are homeless people supposed to do? Jump up and down? Quote scriptures? Hug you around the neck? Speak in tongues?
Man: No, just be grateful.
Woman: So how grateful should they be for two dollars? What are you expecting? What do you need to happen when you hold the door open for a woman? Must she admire you and think you’re a knight in shining armor? Or is it just a door? There’s nothing wrong with being mannerly if it is your manner. But if you’re being mannerly to try to control other people it’s condescending. And that goes for women, too–women who think men are incapable of sharing their feelings, so they check out their emails to find out what they’re thinking. Equally as despicable.
Man: So what do you think we should do?
Woman: I would rather you be rude to me and have it be natural than have you think you’re my superior simply because you opened a door for me. That’s not considerate. It’s condescending.
Man: Give me another example.
Woman: Chick movies. I’ve heard you say that one. There’s no such thing as a chick movie. There are good movies and bad movies. For instance, girls went to see Star Wars and Silence of the Lambs. And boys like to watch date movies like Love Actually when they allow themselves to escape their silliness of fear.
Man: You have to admit, there are things that women like and things that men like.
Woman: I will not admit that. Just like I won’t say that all black people like watermelon, all Mexicans make tortillas and all Chinese people like to sit around and do math problems. It’s condescending under the guise of considerate.
Man: So what do you think men and women should do when interacting?
Woman: Practice being natural until it’s natural, and until then, keep practicing. Alternate who opens doors for each other. Let me buy you a drink. How about this time I carry the extra bag of groceries instead of you. It won’t kill me, believe me. And for the record, it would be all right if you came to me and said, “We need to talk.” I don’t have to be the initiator every time. We’re all so afraid of breaking our stereotypes that we’ve stopped dancing to the same tune.
Man: So let me get this straight. It’s considerate if it’s in the flow and I don’t feel superior to you or magnanimous by doing it.
Woman: Yes–and once we get into the flow, we’re going to stop worrying about manipulating one another, relax in our own skin and find out exactly how much we have in common.
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PoHymn: A Rustling in the Stagnant
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G-Poppers… December 19, 2014
Jonathots Daily Blog
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The grand-kids returned from Christmas shopping grumpy and tired. They were fussing with each other, poking and fidgeting. G-Pop just laughed at them.
So one of the young humans piped up and said, “G-Pop, do you like Christmas shopping?”
G-Pop: You should shop just long enough that when you’re done for the day, you wish you could still do thirty minutes more. For after all, leaving happy is always better than exhausted.
“What makes a good gift, G-Pop?”
G-Pop: Something the person knows they want, but wouldn’t buy it because they always forget until the next time they see it. By the way, if they are under fifteen years of age, make sure it doesn’t matter if it breaks pretty quickly.
One of the granddaughters chimed in, “What do you want for Christmas?”
G-Pop: Something I use every day, am grateful I have and makes me think happy thoughts about the giver. Underwear and aftershave always work.
“Is Christmas too commercial, G-Pop?”
G-Pop: The grocery store sells food and makes a profit. It doesn’t keep me from enjoying my meals. Christmas is what I decide it to be. Remember, in the original story, the innkeeper wanted to make money. It didn’t stop the angels from singing.
The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity
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Turning Kids Into Humans: (Part 1) Special Delivery … August 18, 2014
Jonathots Daily Blog
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You have just received delivery of your new little baby girl or boy, with sufficient pounds and accompanying ounces.
You are thrilled.
You are ecstatic.
You feel as if you are the founder of procreation, and maybe the first person that ever completed the task sufficiently. Now–the next step is to pull out the instructions. They should read:
“We guarantee arrival, but the contents may have shifted during shipment.”
Read on.
“Does not include batteries.”
Yes, what you have received is a being who is not yet human. Perhaps you thought the unit should arrive completely assembled and energized by the correct emotional, spiritual, mental and physical electricity to make it function well and be successful.
Not so, Joe.
Your little he or she, to some degree, remains an “it” until you learn how to insert the correct charge to make your wonder child truly wonderful. By the way, here are the batteries:
- Empathy
- Appreciation
No child is born with them, but without them, you have all the parts but they don’t chug the choo-choo. Shall we define?
Empathy: “I can feel what other humans are feeling.”
Appreciation: “I am grateful for what has been provided.”
Children do not come with these installed. They are born “beings”–being hungry, fussy, thirsty, self-involved, unaware and ignorant.
To achieve the status of human depends on you. This pursuit is more important than piano lessons, soccer, new shoes or a college education. Without the batteries, your little bundle of joy will fail to deliver much happiness to the world around, and therefore end up defensive and cynical instead of hopeful.
So how do we, as parents, install the batteries of empathy and appreciation into our offspring?
If you will join me over the next eight Mondays, I will take you on an odyssey to uncover how this can be accomplished at the varying stages of development. It will not be complicated; it will be frighteningly simple, but it shall require your faithful attention.
All aboard! Let’s try to become proficient with our special delivery.
The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity
The Sermon on the Mount in music and story. Click the mountain!
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G-13: Contented or Complacent? … February 28, 2014
Jonathots Daily Blog
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Contented is having the peace of mind to pursue greater things.
Complacent is thinking that peace of mind is the greatest thing.
Contented is arriving at a goal and noticing that the road continues.
Complacent is the belief that the road ends with the latest goal.
Contented is being grateful for the next challenge as you celebrate the present victory.
Complacent is deciding that the present victory grants permission to languish in gratitude.
Contented is finding your footing and looking out to help those who are still slipping.
Complacent is being satisfied with personal safety.
Contented is having good cheer without always being happy.
Complacent is demanding happiness before having good cheer.
Contented is seeking God.
Complacent is loving God.
Contented is a stop-off to glory.
Complacent is finding glory in the stop-off.
We are not meant to be satisfied. We gain satisfaction with each new, meaningful encounter.
The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity
Click for details on the SpirTed 2014 presentation
Please contact Jonathan’s agent, Jackie Barnett, at (615) 481-1474, for information about scheduling SpiriTed in 2014.
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Grace Period … September 13, 2013
Jonathots Daily Blog
(2004)
I remember how thrilled I was in my twenties when I realized that even though my rent was due on the first of the month, I had five days to pay it before I was delinquent. It was referred to as the “grace period.”
But here’s the problem with that idea: within two months I became convinced that my rent was not due until the fifth. Instead of following the rules of the lease, which said I should pay on the first, I felt my rent could wait until the fifth. Eventually I created my own grace period–I started paying on the tenth and then the fifteenth. In no time at all, I rationalized that I was only one month behind.
You see, grace sounds like a wonderful idea until it’s perverted in the mind of a human twister. Rather than being grateful for the extension of mercy, we have a tendency to redefine and expand upon the original offer.
It doesn’t work in our secular society when we tell people to lie, cheat, deny and avoid doing anything admitting fault, and it does not work in the religious community either, where we generate simpering converts who tearfully espouse their weakness and pray for God to cover their lack.
Is there anywhere or any place where people are still trying to make better human beings?
I will tell you what grace is NOT. From there you can draw your own conclusions:
1. Grace can never be expected. Why? Because the Good Book says that grace is “given to the humble,” and the minute we start thinking we’re picking it up like a paycheck, pride and arrogance remove the value of the gift.
2. It can’t continue to allow us license to be stupid. Once again, the Good Book tells us that we can’t “continue in sin,” hoping that grace will arrive by oxcart, just in time to cover our butts.
3. And finally, grace can’t brag. The minute we start telling stories about how God has supernaturally protected us from our own foolishness instead of silently breathing a prayer of gratitude due to unmerited favor, we not only become obnoxious, but heaven also stops returning our phone calls.
God’s grace is sufficient for us–and therefore is determined by Him, not by the accumulation of our mounting pleas.
I think we would do well to take a season in our society to walk away from grace and encourage people to rediscover the power and majesty of personal responsibility.
- I don’t think it will diminish grace, because when we are looking to our own hearts, we are humble. God gives grace.
- When we’re checking out our own motives, we stop fostering foolishness and sin in our lives. Grace is permitted to hang around.
- And if we will cease screaming and yelling about grace being everlasting, we will discover that the amount sent our way is always sufficient.
I have noticed of late that not many companies talk about “grace periods” anymore. For grace given to a lazy fool is always wasted, always taken for granted and always defined by the sluggard as a blank check … for stupidity.
The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity
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