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I could be absolutely wrong, but to my recollection I can only conjure the memory of about two dozen people in my life who have become my enemies and I am at odds with–around twenty folks. It’s nothing serious–there is no “shoot on sight” declaration in place–just coming to terms with the fact that our particular chemistry was not favorable for future experiments. So considering the fact that I have met tens of thousands of people, I think that average is not too bad.
Yet, I’m not proud of having ANY maladjustment with my fellow-humans. But every once in a while, you run across a situation where, try as you might, the jagged edges of human character just don’t seem to snap into place.
I thought about this yesterday in Houston. Here was my discovery. Presently in our country, there are two options available for interacting with others. Both require decisions. You can decide to be loving or you can be preoccupied and avoid making a decision. What I’m saying is that people aren’t really hateful–just disconnected. And if you’re trying to relate to them in the midst of their preoccupation, it can certainly feel like rejection.
I think it’s the difference between being a fiend and being a friend.
To become a friend to people, you have to understand a bit about how things work. It’s a four-point process. If you’re going to be a friend:
1. There’s no reason to compete. Not every mortal on the planet is my competition. There are people who are better at things than I am, who deserve my respect. And there are folks that are not quite as adept and they require my mercy. The need to compete is a sign that insecurity is in control of your soul.
2. There’s no need to unseat. Some people are determined to attack power because they think it makes them appear more powerful. Attacking power is simply you admitting that someone IS ruling over you. It’s a waste of time to argue with people who are in the seat of power. If they’re doing a good job, you end up looking like an idiot, and if they aren’t, they soon will be “de-seated.”
3. No desire to deplete. Sometimes when I am in a church service I get aggravated because we somehow believe that showing appreciation for what people do, or applauding effort, diminishes our honoring of God. Didn’t Jesus say that “when you’ve done it to the least of these, my brethren, you’ve done it for me?” I do not need to rob you of your needful praise just to make sure that you stay humble. We deplete each other–making us so defensive about our egos that we are reluctant to interact with one another.
4. And finally, no plan to repeat. Am I the only one who thinks that life is self-explanatory? Case in point: you try something. If it doesn’t work. stop doing it. When I look at the things I was trained to be from my youth, I find some of them to be applicable to my present situation and some of them to be comically broken. Don’t repeat what’s STUPID. It’s a great lesson for life. You will take away much of your pain if you will just follow that simple principle.
The difference between friendship and “fiend”ship is whether you show up to be loving or you arrive on the scene of fellowship in a state of preoccupation.
- There’s no reason to compete.
- No need to unseat.
- No desire to deplete, and
- No plan to repeat.
When you initiate those four things, you suddenly become of great value to the people around you.
And in the process, rather than coming off as a self-involved fiend, you become a self-aware friend.
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