Cracked 5 … August 8th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Things a Pirate Might Bring or Wear to a Church Service

A.  2 eye patches (to eliminate lust altogether)

 

B.  His “Holey Bible,” which slides easily onto his hook

 

C.  A cross to replace the peg in his leg

 

D.  A “prayer rat” instead of his usual parrot

 

E.  A praise bandana

 

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Jesonian–Troubling (Part 1)… July 1st, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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“Let not your heart be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me.”

These are the words of Jesus.

But you see, there’s my problem. Believing in Jesus is simpler for me. It’s believing in God that itches my brain.

You see, God has a lot of history–thirty-nine books of Old Testament, filled with murder, mayhem, racism and contradictions–before we arrive at the doorstep of the carpenter’s shop in Nazareth, where Jesus emerges and begins to speak to the world.

Every once in a while, I’m sitting in a room by myself and a sudden gust of realization sweeps in and blows my mind.

God?? What in the hell am I thinking? How could there be a God?

And this isn’t because there are bad things happening–it’s just that the stories told about this god are similar to the Greek mythology concerning Zeus. All at once, I am inundated with feelings of foolishness and slowly, bitterness jumps into my heart, mocking me for following such ancient tales.

Sometimes the Holy Bible reads like a Grimm fairy tale, full of witches, warlocks and little boys and girls threatened because they’re on their way to grandma’s house.

But then I pause. Why? It’s the chimpanzee.

Although I believe that science is the favorite hobby of the Father in Heaven, the order in the Universe, even in the midst of chaos, and the fact that human beings exist, hearkens to the presence of a Universal Creator. Feel free to try to deteriorate the human spirit, soul and intellect, and place it side-by-side with the animals–but if any one of us spent a week trying to reason, infiltrate and dine with chimpanzees (supposedly our closest relative) we would quickly return to the human race with newfound appreciation.

I’m sorry–animals are animals and people are people. There’s a huge gap. Somebody–did you hear me?–somebody put that gap there.

On the other hand, upon spending several weeks with the chimpanzees of theology, I am equally as baffled by the fact that for some inexplicable reason, they want to blur the God of Judaism with the person of Jesus.

So if the proclamation is, God is Jesus–I’m there, and the spiritual evolution from God and the devil playing poker with Job’s soul, to “love your neighbor as yourself” was needed and makes complete sense.

But if Jesus is God, I really have to include stories from the old volume, which are absolutely implausible, without merit and of no benefit to any creature on heaven or Earth.

It is troubling.

Without being accusatory, may I suggest that all of us, to some degree, are turmoiled by this mish-mash and collision of meaningless facts being thrown together into one book called the Bible and then dubbed “Holy.”

If you will allow me, over the next couple of weeks, I would like to deal with this troubling situation–because to a certain degree, all an atheist has to say to any Christian is, “Really???” and we are immediately defensive.

Because we possess our own doubts.

So doubts be damned and discussion begun, I will see you next week.

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The Two That Got Away… April 15, 2013

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MosesYesterday, as I had the honor and pleasure of sharing my thoughts and feelings in front of the beautiful souls at Helotes Hills United Methodist Church, it registered deep in my heart what is necessary for human beings to step out of their commonplace mundanity and reach for the heavens with their dreams.

We have to quell two nasty portions of our behavior that certainly cling to each and every one of us: rebellion and revenge.

Every fussy iniquity and mean-spirited event that has happened in the history of mankind has been initiated by one or both of these tyrants. You want to know what the problem is? Both of these can be backed up by individuals with a lack of understanding, grabbing pieces of the Holy Bible and using it to foster their rebellious nature or their instinct for retaliation.

I guess I would refer to it as the two that got away: “Thou shalt not” andan eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.”

These two statements are countermanded by ninety percent of the Bible.

“Thou shalt not…”

I’m sorry. I believe that God is my Father–and I, being a father, know that the LAST thing you want to say to your children is “don’t do this.” It is a guarantee of turning them into rebellious brats, totally preoccupied with what has been refused, until they finally partake of the forbidden fruit. I proved this once with my oldest son when he was thirteen years old. I walked in the room and said, “Jon Russell, whatever you do, don’t EVER chop off your foot.”

You know what he responded? He asked, “Why?”

You see what I mean? Even something obviously painful that is taboo draws us like flies to crap. God, being a wise Father, knows it is much better to extol the virtues of an issue than it is to turn it into cherry pie hidden away in the cabinet.

And the other one that got away is “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.”

I find it difficult to believe that a God who proclaims Himself to be love and light, and insisted that vengeance is up to Him and not us, would actually have slipped up and suggested that human beings wreak havoc on one another. Yet to this day in the Middle East, Abraham’s children by Sarah are poking out the eyes of Abraham’s children by Hagar, who quickly retaliate with jabs of their own.

Even though there are countless enlightened scriptures that contradict this philosophy, because it appeals to our darker nature of revenge, we keep it high and lifted up.

You will never become a good citizen of Planet Earth, a follower of Jesus or valuable to your fellow-man and fellow-woman as long as you live a life of “thou shalt not” and believe in “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.”

I insist that pair slipped through the cracks–and when they are mentioned, God rolls His eyes and says, “How many times must I send words to replace those before people will finally retire them?”

We had a great morning in Helotes Hills. It was an event free of rebellion and completely devoid of revenge. That’s what creates the possibility of revival and renewal.

So on behalf of myself, other human beings I know quite well, and an exasperated God who is fed up with rebellion and revenge, I would humbly ask you to erase these two notions from your mind and disinclude them from the holy writings.

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity

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