Sit Down Comedy … August 21st, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Sit Down Comedy

10 Spontaneous One-Liners

1. “Kumquat—another name for a woman’s orgasm.”

2. “I shot an arrow into the air and where it fell…is now a crime scene.”

3. “The 2020 college football season has been fumbled away, fearing illegal motion.”

4. “Is Ridin’ Biden the best way to Thump Trump?”

5. “I went to a family reunion during an election year and escaped with a broken nose.”

6. “When Jesus walked on the water, he realized it was time to clean out the lake.”

7. “If you can’t be sexy, learn how to tell a good story.”

8. “If you’re a kid nowadays and your parents call you special, you don’t know if you’re brilliant or retarded.”

9. “I used to laugh at old people. Now I bitch at young folks.”

10. “If you would give me thirty seconds notice before the world comes to an end, I will gladly tell you what I really think about humus.”

Cracked 5 … March 14th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Worst Things to Take to a Picnic

 

A. A Jell-o mold

 

B. Ice cream bars

 C. Humus (that would apply for anywhere or anytime)

 

D. Raw oysters on the half-shell

 

E. Gravy

 

 

Good News and Better News… May 8th, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Breeders and needers

I am speaking from a spiritual sense.

Breeders are people who find personal satisfaction in joy, mission and composure, and are prepared to deal with those who come their way who may not have the correct balance of what we call normal human behavior.

They are merciful because they know the need to obtain mercy.

They are meek because they’ve already gotten their down payment on the inheritance of the Earth.

They don’t need encouragement to be gentle–the gentleness of God’s spirit has already convinced them of the wisdom of such behavior.

Needers, on the other hand, are folks who come to church with vice, variance and viciousness intact, and try to use God’s grace to cover their insufficiency rather than becoming the “light of the world and the salt of the Earth.”

It’s really simple:

Needers scare people away.

Breeders make an emotional and spiritual connection with their fellow-humans and birth fellowship.

As long as we insist that God doesn’t really care how good or bad we are, just that we have signed a salvation card and our names are written in the Book of Life, we will continue to frighten those who might find comfort in the Gospel, affronting them with members who have the maturity of a pen of pigs.

It’s time to talk realistically about Christianity.

We are on the verge of falling victim to the stereotypes that other religions have procured for themselves.

“All Jews are cheap.”

“All Muslims are terrorists.”

“All Hindus have a spot on the middle of their forehead.”

“All Buddhists eat humus.”

The Gospel of Jesus has a chance to speak a unified message to a diverse world. It is so desperately needed that writers like myself will risk being attacked by the needers in an attempt to lift up the breeders.

What are the characteristics of breeders?

They are salt. Tasteful. Sensitive.

They are light–illuminating instead of shocking the world around them.

Good works. It’s impossible to be humble without them. If you try to use humility without having good works, you just come across honestly inept.

Here’s the good news: Jesus is prepared to give instruction, permission and shortcuts to those who want to live dynamic, joyful and abundant lives.

And the better news is that needers can become breeders if they will develop the desire to connect with others instead of remaining frightened and insecure

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