It was a summer when my raging hormones were doing constant battle against my entrenched morality.
I was a good boy with a head full of bad ideas.
So when church camp rolled around, I had lost my earlier childhood passion for scripture verses and vespers, and was more intently interested in swimming at the lake and eyeballing the fruitfulness of the blooming damsels.
This year the church had decided to draft two older teens to act as counselors for us young’uns. They were named Jack and Jill.
Really.
They were three years older, which made them both extraordinarily intimidating and elevated them to the status of Olympian gods. They were so cool. Everything they did was cool.
So one day when they went up the hill together (not kidding) I decided to follow at a distance, careful not to be seen, to ascertain what such dynamic human specimens did in their free time.
They must have walked for about fifteen minutes before finding a very private clearing in the woods. Going over to a nearby maple tree, Jack lay down and Jill climbed on top of him, fully clothed–and then he rubbed his against hers to create theirs.
I was shocked, befuddled and completely titillated.
It was like watching zoo animals, except they knew algebra.
Trying not to stumble, I exited the scene, running back to camp to ask my friend (whose father was a doctor in Columbus and who seemed to know everything about everything) what exactly my eyes had beheld.
With the calm and studious nature of a professor, he explained that Jack and Jill were “humping.” I was a little put off by the term, yet everything I came up with–for instance, “rubbing” and “entangled”–seemed no better.
He said my particular viewing of humping was of the “dry” variety.
I was enraged.
I was engorged.
I was torn between my envious nature over their pleasure and my Biblical knowledge of the perils of fornication. So blending the two together–envy and disdain–I went to the pastor in charge of the camp and squealed on them.
He promised that no one would ever find out that it was me, and a meeting was planned to dismiss the two from camp due to their immorality.
Sensing their ultimate betrayal, Jack and Jill went on the “lamb” and Splitsville.
I felt bad.
Two reasons: I realized that I hurt two people to make myself look good, and secondly, I couldn’t get the humping vision out of my mind–not because it was unpleasant, but because secretly I wished it was me.
I learned a valuable lesson that year at church camp. It had very little to do with the Law of Moses or the major doings of the minor prophets.
I learned that it is my job to pay attention to concerns that pertain to me and to try to leave other people alone.
After all, we humans are a jumbled mess of emotion, spirituality, mentality and physical urges. To sit in judgment of one another sets up the scenario for our own comical fall from the throne of self-righteousness.
Because … when Jack goes up the hill and falls down, Jill often comes tumbling after. It’s just the way we are.
It’s all because deep inside of us, we are trying to … “fetch that damn pail of water.”
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After an appearance earlier this year in Surprise, Arizona, Janet and I were blessed to receive a “surprise” ourselves. Click on the beautiful Arizona picture above to share it with us!
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One of the more annoying aspects of a capitalistic society fueled by advertising and fads is the pernicious pile-up of imitators which leap to the forefront to make money from an idea that has gained some popularity.
With the recent–and bewildering, to me–success of the novel,Fifty Shades of Gray, my spine chills to think about all the parroting we are due to encounter by organizations, businesses and causes trying to piggy-back on the crowd appeal.
I immediately came up with ten which I fear greatly:
We shall refer to these as “rippos.” Yes, a series of Jack the Rippos, with all the Jills tumbling after.
After all, there’s only one thing worse than a bad idea getting its fifteen minutes of fame: all the greedy geese who follow along, trying to extend it … to half an hour.
The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity
Please contact Jonathan’s agent, Jackie Barnett, at (615) 481-1474, for information about personal appearances or scheduling an event
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