Jonathots Daily Blog
(2024)
He comes very late at night, although I think he would insist it is actually early in the morning.
You see, that’s the problem. He not only has his own opinions, but definitions for terms that are separate from mine.
The creepy part is that he insists he IS me–and in my weakened state of sleepiness, I find it difficult to resist his will.
- He has the same memories I do.
- He has many similar beliefs.
- He has encountered the emotional conflicts and victories which are part of my history.
But physically, he is smaller. Yes, he takes up less room. And he lets me know it.
He shares ideas with me which certainly make sense in the dim light of the evening, which don’t come to mind when I’m in the shining light of the day. He has four repetitive, nagging subjects:
- Why didn’t you act kinder?
- Do you really think you’re achieving your goal?
- Why do you think you can continue to be so fat and survive?
- Wouldn’t it be easy to change these things?
You see what I mean?
It’s an annoying mixture of reality, self-righteousness, valid points and impossibilities.
But when I’m lying there on my bed, it does make sense. I do feel the inadequacy and the conviction to improve my situation. But somehow or another, this vigorous being who visits by night is completely vanished by the morning light, leaving me with the emotions of upheaval without the step-by-step solutions to victory.
Yes, I am abandoned.
It doesn’t make me angry. It doesn’t make me sad. It just baffles me enough that I want to eat something. It triggers the worst part of my appetites, which are devouring my future birthdays.
I want to figure out how to turn the conversations with my night visitor into a true motivation, to trim up the areas of my life that have caused me to become lumbering and clumsy.
But how can I retain the impact of the midnight confession into breakfast time and the construction of a realistic “things to do today” list?
The truthful answer is I don’t know.
I’m not sure if my visitor is an incriminator to demean me or an angelic presence trying to spur me on to more noble causes. I’m not positive that the encounters I have with him are beneficial or just aggravating enough to cause me to slip a little further down the rock-slide of bad habits.
But I guess it’s just like everything else–if we view it as good, we can somehow carve it into a position to strengthen us. If we view it as bad, it can be used to discourage us and leave us wanting.
There are parts of the philosophy of my night visitor that I desire to possess. Honestly, I can’t be as hard on myself at ten o’clock in the morning as he is at two o’clock in the morning.
But if I can take bits and pieces, maybe I can launch a great idea which could eventually cause the man that I am during the day to make peace with the visitor who comes by night.
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Jonathots Daily Blog 