Things I Learned from R. B. … August 23rd, 2020

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Episode 29

While I was waiting for a member of R. B.’s family to arrive, to assist in care and making decisions, I made a practice of visiting him once a day.

It was not easy.

He had convinced himself that I had placed him in this institution, and that it was I, and I alone, who had the power to release him.

The spread of the cancer had left him weak, sallow and embittered. It was difficult to ascertain what parts of his actions were real, what parts were brought on by drug interactions, and what portions that were conjured from the horrors of the disease itself.

“I thought you’d die first,” he said to me.

It became a recurring theme.

He looked at me and then at himself, and wondered why, with all of my obesity, I was still living and he, who was slender, was on the verge of demise.

He wanted to blame God.

But mostly he wanted to blame me.

Even though he felt that I had been generous to him, he insisted that I had withheld just enough to keep him from true success and happiness. He lamented following me all over the country and spoke disparagingly of our adventures.

I started to wonder why I was putting myself through this daily bombardment of accusations. But deep in my soul, however, I knew that at this present moment, I was all R. B. had.

However, it was a little too much for the other members of my family. To their credit, many of them were able to set aside some time to visit R. B. and listen to his ramblings, but no one was willing to take on the daily duty.

About a week after we put him into the lovely hospice, it was decided by the federal government that R. B. did not qualify for this particular home, so he was moved to a less expensive one down the road.

It had less of everything.

Even less hope.

R. B. was about ready to explode with anger—when family showed up from Rhode Island. It was just his younger brother, Johnny. Johnny was quite different from R. B. Johnny was glib, filled with stories, and fancied himself to be humorous. Johnny was curious.

R. B. was glad to see him, but Johnny did little to bolster the dying man’s will to live.

He joked about death.

He joked about how cheap R. B. was.

He even joked about the fact that he had pulled the short straw with their family—which was the only reason he had made the journey.

He did it all in a spirit of jest, and R. B. seemed to laugh along. Matter of fact, the arrival of Johnny was the best thing that had happened to R. B. for several months.

I stood back at a distance and remained supportive. Johnny jumped in, took over R. B.’s finances, living quarters and car. I was a trifle uncomfortable with some of it, but then rebuked myself since it really wasn’t my business.

Everything seemed to be going along pretty well until late one night, when I got a phone call from Johnny.

Sensitize … August 13th, 2020

SENSITIZE 76

Every morning, Mr. Cring takes a personal moment with his friends.

Today: The brain only knows how to handle things, not resolve them.

Click the picture below to see the video

Things I Learned from R. B. (July 12th, 2020)

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Episode 23

The phone rang.

Startled, I rolled over and peered at the clock.

2:54 A. M.

A chill went down my spine all the way to my bowels. Nothing good comes from a call in the middle of the night.

Nervously I answered on the fourth ring, trying to stall from hearing the news. It was R. B. I could hear the tears in his voice.

Through his garbled explanation I was able to discern that he was at County Hospital and had been brought there by ambulance. He was suffering from severe stomach pains.

I wanted to ask more. I wanted to know what he expected of me. But the last thing he said was, “Please come.”

Then he hung up.

I couldn’t envision what kind of person I would be if I ignored the request. Yet I wasn’t particularly impressed with the person I was going to be, throwing on my clothes and driving out in the middle of the night at the bequest of an ailing friend.

I didn’t want to do it alone, so I called Janet and she agreed to join me on the journey to County Hospital to see what was troubling R. B.

We tried to chat on the way, speculating a bit on what the case might be, but finally decided some late-night music from the radio in the dark was preferable.

Fortunately, I was able to remember from the conversation that he had inserted that he was on the fourth floor.

Stepping off the elevator we walked over to the nurse’s station and told her who we were looking for. She asked the classic question. “Are you family?”

Without even blinking an eye, Janet replied, “Yes, we are. His only family here.”

I nodded. It wasn’t exactly true, but it was very accurate. The nurse led us down the hallway to an examination room, where we found R. B. on a bed, surrounded by machines, with an IV in his arm.

We discovered that the machines were not attached to him, except for the one pumping some sort of juice through his veins.

Before we could ask a single question, a young doctor, assigned to R. B.’s case, came walking into the enclosure. I don’t remember his name—just that he had red hair and freckles.

I looked to R. B. to offer an explanation. Instead, he nodded his head toward the doctor to provide the facts.

It seemed that R. B. had a belly full of trouble—a deteriorating stomach lining, an enflamed esophagus, some aggravation in his upper bowels which had created a blockage and therefore generated the horrible pain.

In the time it took us to get to the hospital, they had provided treatment which brought him some relief, so R. B. was feeling better—and ready to leave

The doctor was not quite as optimistic. He began, “I’m glad the both of you are here to listen to what I’m going to say to the patient. Even though he is not an aged man, his stomach and bowels are in horrible shape and I have suggested to him that he stop smoking and cease drinking any alcohol for a while.”

The young doctor stopped—I think more or less to gauge our reaction. We all looked over at R. B.

Uncharacteristically sheepish, R. B. replied, “I can do that.”

But the doctor was unsatisfied. “I know you can do that,” he said. “The question is—will you do that? You’re reaching the age where people die from stupid behavior.”

I was a little shocked at the doctor’s approach.

He pushed on. “I would like to have a nickel for every time I’ve had to give this speech to some patient that I know is not listening—who will go home and immediately feel better from the fluids and medication we gave him. Soon, they’re right back into self-destruction.”

Feeling the need to take some of the gloom off the room, I offered, “Well, we can help him, doctor. And R. B. has been known to turn a page or two and write another chapter.”

I was very pleased with my poetic answer.

R, B. was about to speak when the doctor interrupted, unimpressed. “Let me leave it at this,” he said. “If you continue to do what you do, you won’t live another five years.”

This last statement really surprised me, because whenever I talked to R. B., he was convinced he would outlive me because of my obesity. He always joked that he would steal everything I owned after I died—including my wife and kids.

So this last statement from the doctor changed R. B. from a willing patient to an impatient, willing fighter. “I told you I would do better,” he snarled.

I knew that voice. That was the lightning before the thunder of his temper. I asked the doctor if I could speak to him outside/ We wandered into the hall and stepped into a waiting room.

Before I could speak conciliatory words, the doctor looked me right in the eye and said, “He’s got to change—or he’s not gonna make it.”

My speech deserted me.

My attempts to reason with the young physician disappeared.

I felt tears come to my eyes.

I don’t know what emotion was trying to come to the surface. Was it pity? Was it anger?

I shook the doctor’s hand and thanked him, dried the moisture in my eyes and headed into R. B.’s room with a cheery spark.

We left him alone to put on his clothes and drove him home, stopping off to get some vanilla ice cream and 7-Up, which he said sounded good to him. Once he was situated in his own bed, he was overtaken by sleepiness, so we excused ourselves, drove home and tried to grab a little sleep from the remaining night.

The next day I called R. B. but there was no answer.

Two days later, he called me and said he wanted to have one of our sessions. Speculating on the purpose for the meeting, I said, “Are we going to chat about your health problems?”

He went silent.

So I asked him again, “I mean, are we going to discuss what happened the other night?”

While admitting that he had been in the hospital, R. B. refused to agree that it was meaningful. Rather, it was an over-reaction by him, due to gas.

I wasn’t sure what to do.

I knew the doctor would want me to challenge him.

Maybe I should have. I don’t know.

There are times when, to be a friend, you have to pretend that things are not the way they actually appear.

 

Ask Jonathots … January 14th, 2016

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I’m fifteen years old and want to be an actress. I watched the Golden Globes and it looked like everyone was intoxicated. Some of my friends think that drinking is no big deal–after all, it’s not “doing drugs.” Their parents drink, after all. Their older brothers and sisters drink. Everyone drinks. What do you think about it?

I personally am not a big fan of camping.

Matter of fact, I only have one clear memory of going on such an excursion. What I do remember about the experience is that you do a lot of walking and while doing this peddling along, you are also carrying everything you need on your back, so that when you arrive at the campsite for the evening, you can open it up and have your “stuff” to make the journey tolerable.

You know what I discovered on the first night? Half of the things I brought were useless, making me tired carrying it around.

I found a nearby trash can and threw these items away, which someone had told me were necessary to have a woods event.

My second day was so much more pleasurable, and when I arrived for the evening’s rest, I had everything I needed–and if I didn’t, I was still happy that I had a lighter load.

  • Thus drinking.
  • Thus smoking.
  • Thus obesity.
  • Thus nervous energy.

Anything we decide to tuck into our lifestyle which we have to carry only makes the journey a bit more difficult, will slow our pace, and in the long run, when we arrive at our destination, will probably have to be abandoned in favor of more freedom.

I’ll tell you what I feel when I watch the Golden Globes and see people drinking. Since they are actors, directors and producers, I would like to follow the story line of their alcoholic curve. Are they really able to hold it to a couple of glasses of wine and an occasional beer, or does the liquor begin to control the dialogue, the circumstances, the party or even the friends?

I would say if you’re able to drink a glass of wine at a meal or have a beer with a bratwurst without feeling the need to carry alcohol into your life for inconvenient times, then you should be just fine. But to look at alcohol as a social statement, a way of relaxation, a means to unwind or a must so that you can garner the right people for your party, is to set yourself up for arriving at your goal toting a burden rather than a benefit.

How many people sitting at the Golden Globes have already been through rehab and countless attempts to stop drinking, or are short months away from a DUI which will place them in the public eye with a frown?

Alcohol is a substance. It warns us of its potency and danger by its flavor and after-effects. If you can incorporate that taste and responsibility in your life without losing control or feeling compelled to imbibe, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.

But many have insisted they can, and crashed.

Yes, many have lost their way.

Keep this in mind.

Alcohol never helped anybody get to their dream. 

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Ask Jonathots… August 27th, 2015

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My friend Rob is the smartest man in our workplace. He happens to be quite overweight. Recently I found myself in a discussion about who would get an upcoming promotion. I said that Rob would probably get the job, and was surprised when another man in the room said he wouldn’t because of his weight. I told the guy he was not only wrong, but also bigoted. He argued with me, and said that you can’t be bigoted against people who are overweight because it’s a condition they choose. I completely disagreed. What do you think?

It is a difficult path to negotiate when you start insisting that one group of people was born with a certain predilection, but this other group over there has made a choice instead of finding themselves genetically wired.

So to be honest with you, I prefer, for the sake of sanity and the purposes of having more personal control in my life, to choose to believe that even though there are certain features that may come with our human package, that we don’t necessarily need to use them.

Otherwise, we’re going to begin to contend that each and every weakness or strength in the human body is beyond our control and that we’re destined to become something rather than having the free will to guide our own direction.

That said, let me tell you that obesity is close to my heart. Literally.

I was born at 12 1/2 pounds, so I have a very strong case for believing that I was put together to be a fat man.

It doesn’t help me.

I don’t improve my life or increase my longevity by insisting that I’m cursed with an oddity which, as it turns out, could also be lethal.

So you have to make up your mind. Are we at the mercy of our genetics and destined to be a certain way from our birth? Or can we be born again and find a path divergent from the genetic pool?

It isn’t split down the middle, it’s one way or another.

So the truth of the matter is that since obesity is such an obvious visual impairment, the bigotry against it will never go away. Someone can be gay and not visually appear to be a part of the homosexual community.

Not true with fat.

So since human beings look on the outward appearance instead of the heart, it will be impossible to avoid the bigotry, but not impossible to dodge the people who are bigoted.

With that in mind, here’s what I suggest for your friend, Rob. Without mentioning the name of the acquaintance who said he was not going to get the promotion, ask Rob what he, himself, thinks about his chances and if they are hindered by his size.

He knows your heart; he knows you’re not bigoted.

But the question will get Rob thinking, which is what Rob needs to do.

Obesity has three terrible aspects to its pain:

  1. You can’t ever act or not look fat.
  2. There are so many stigmas put upon the fat person that whether you like it or not, they will be placed upon you.
  3. Obesity always leads to some sort of health issue, which might not have come to play without it.

So it is your job to both communicate love to Rob, but also make him aware that there’s a portion of society which is silently killing off his possibilities through its prejudice. He is strong enough to handle it–and you never know what will be a wake-up call to someone.

I do not believe we are born any particular way.

We have free will  and choice.

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Confessing … August 15th, 2015

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XV.

I confess so I can heal.

If I deny, I remain sick.

It took a comedian.

Yes, listening to a stand-up joker alerted me to a little piece of hypocrisy which has found root in my heart, and therefore has infiltrated my conversation.

The comic said, “Don’t be sayin’ you got bad knees. You just be fat.”

The whole audience roared with laughter.

Truthfully, I cannot say that I was quite as enthusiastic, but certainly impacted.

When I was twelve years old, I tipped the scales at 300 pounds and have never descended below, and over the decades, I have claimed to have bad knees, even though those joints have afforded me a brief football career, hundreds of tennis games, swimming, setting up equipment in all sorts of difficult environments, thousands of shows performed, nearly a million miles driven and carrying a parcel of kids here there and everywhere.

  • I don’t have bad knees.
  • I have good knees that were prepared to last a lifetime–if I hadn’t decided to be overweight.

Nobody wants to come across as either weak or a jerk.

One also doesn’t like to appear to be making excuses.

So I shall not do any of the above. I will just say that I am so blessed that my knees have done so well … considering the fact that I’ve asked them to perform their duties with twice as much weight as was recommended by the manufacturer.

 

Confessing knee

 

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G-Poppers… February 27, 2015

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G-Popper

G-Pop couldn’t find his grandson.

The birthday party for the little fella had been over for nearly an hour and the boy was nowhere in sight. Slipping into the garage to throw away a bag of trash, G-Pop spotted the birthday kid squished against the wall, tucked in behind a garbage can .

He was crying.

“What’s wrong?” asked G-Pop.

Grandson: Nothing. Just want to be alone.

G-Pop: On your birthday?

Grandson: (releasing a heaving sob) The kids are dumb!

(Fresh tears)

G-Pop: They gave you great gifts.

Grandson: I don’t care. They are dumb.

(G-Pop paused, giving the lad some time to think and space to breathe.)

G-Pop: They must be pretty smart. They like you.

Grandson: I don’t want to talk about it.

G-Pop: Well…how long are you going to live out here behind the trash? I’m only asking because I’m wondering if I should bring your toys and toothbrush.

(The grandson smiled and then giggled.)

G-Pop: Can you tell me what’s wrong?

Grandson: G-Pop, they called you fat.

G-Pop: Your friends?

Grandson: Yeah. The dummies.

G-Pop: They’re right. I am fat.

Grandson: No, you’re not!

G-Pop: Fatter than you.

Grandson: Well…yeah.

G-Pop: Fatter than your dad.

Grandson: I guess.

G-Pop: Fatter than President Obama.

Grandson: Yeah, he’s real thin.

G-Pop: I’m not.

Grandson: It’s still mean.

G-Pop: Well, it’s not a compliment. It could be an insult. But then again, it just might be the truth. You see, son, if I get a compliment, it’s nice but it doesn’t last very long. If I’m insulted it only means something if the person saying it matters to me. But the truth–it can make me free.

(G-Pop gave his grandson a big hug.)

G-Pop: I hope my weakness didn’t embarrass you with your friends.

Grandson: You never embarrass me. You are G-Pop.

The two buddies headed back into the house.

It was going to be just fine.

 

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