Driving Miss Crazy … August 3, 2012

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If I had a nickel for every mile I’ve driven across this world since I was sixteen years old, well … Well, yes. I would have enough funds to actually go to the grocery store and get PINK grapefruit instead of getting stuck with those pale yellow ones. (A very long story … )

I will not be so cruel as to try to target some areas of the country as having worse drivers than others (Nashville, Los Angeles, Boston and Atlanta…) but I will tell you that over the years I have learned an interesting parallel.

Driving in traffic with other vehicles is very similar to dating–at least, the way I remember dating, after all these years. (I do realize that “dating” may be an outdated concept. Young humans today have other names for everything, as well they should, but since most of them still know what a dinosaur is, I thought I would risk the term.)

Let me tell you where I see the similarities between driving a car on the road with other human beings and trying to make a connection of the loving sort:

1. It’s very important in driving. Don’t go too fast.As you can see, this also crosses over into the realm of interaction with one you are trying to impress and not scare away–because after all, the important thing to remember about not going too fast is that it’s very embarrassing to get stopped.

2. Don’t go too slow. Do you see it? If you don’t advance your intentions quickly enough in the realm of romance, you can leave the impression that you’re not interested, or worse yet, that you just want to be a friend. I’ve always found that if you’re driving along and bicycles are passing you, you might want to give it a little more gas.

3. Here’s a good one. Watch where you’re going. One of the classic turnoffs when accompanying someone on a date is to let your eyes rove and look at other cars (more stylish models), if you know what I mean. Very important. Keep your eyes on the prize.

4. Try to be sensitive to the wishes and inclinations of others around you. Here’s a clue. If someone has their turn signal on, they probably want to get into your lane. You CAN keep them out. You CAN forbid their desires, but you’re not only going to make them angry, you’re going to turn them into a sourpuss. I’ll let you draw your own parallels with dating on that one.

5. This is a very obvious one, but needs to be mentioned. Watch for the signals. Flashing lights. Hand gestures, even. Anything that lets you know the tendency and direction of those who are driving around you. It’s also a good idea to read the signs that come up along the way, warning you of danger ahead. Ahh! The great dance of romance–full of signals. Learn them all.

6. This is a very important one–don’t get sleepy. Most accidents occur because people get drowsy behind the wheel, lose their attention, doze off and fall off the road. Likewise, it’s an amazing thing that in the realm of interaction between the members of our species, that expressing boredom or weariness, followed by a yawn, normally does not take you to Kissy Lane.

7. Which leads to an all-important climax. Don’t be horny. Yes–people who use their horns all the time when they’re driving are the most obnoxious folks in the world, hands down. They would insist they’re just trying to help out or express their great yearnings and desires, but it comes across way too desperate, way too pushy and way too arrogant. I suppose I don’t need to tell you that the same thing applies when trying to get to know another person as a human being, and then all of a sudden, telegraphing that your intentions are purely biological.

No wonder we have so much trouble with driving–because it’s so much like dating, which drives a sane man crazy and takes a young debutante to the point of insanity. So it truly IS Driving Miss Crazy, and the more I understand that operating a car is very similar to maintaining the kind of hygiene, intelligence, respect, fortitude and manners that were necessary the first time I took out a pretty cheerleader, the more likely it is that I will probably be able to keep myself from crashing and burning–or from ending up in traffic court.

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity

Pencil Practice — September 19, 2011

12 23 OBOE THEME

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I love Mondays.

It is my day to pack up my belongings, get in my car and roll on down the road to the next community, where I will be headquartering for a week to share my thoughts, dreams and little dab of talent.

I also use Monday for another purpose. Monday reminds me of when I was a kid and knew I had an important paper that had to be turned in for school, and the teacher wanted that assignment to be written in pen–my best cursive writing.  Terrified that I was going to have to start over and over again to avoid mistakes, I chose to practice writing the assigned paper in pencil first.

Pencil is wonderful. It glides nicely–and also erases when you screw up. But I do believe that as people we need “pencil practices” in preparing for our dealings with one another.  Otherwise, when it comes time to “pen” ourselves down, we will not be ready and will have a bunch of scratch-offs.

So I use Monday for that purpose. Having the success of a good week, meeting good folks and sharing good things, I allow myself a few moments to think about how I can do it better. It’s a good day to practice being a real human being instead of a jerk going through the motions. Here are three things I do:

1. Come up with a greeting. Do you realize that if you stop saying “hello,” “good morning” or “howdy,” you will eventually stifle that reflex to be friendly, and pass by that fellow-man or woman without comment.  And how is that supposed to be interpreted by them? Believe me, there are enough crazy people in the world that if you decide to snub the wrong one, you might regret your choice. I think greeting one another in a civil way is a talent that if you stop using, just may depart, leaving you sullen and without remark.

So I have fun trying out different ways of saluting my fellow-travelers. One of my favorites is, “Hi, y’all.” Southern accents can be quite endearing. Greet one another–we do need a starting place, you know.

Much to the chagrin of one of my brothers, I call everyone “my friend.” It aggravates him. He thinks it’s pretentious. If by pretentious, he means that I do it on purpose, then he’s right. If by pretentious, he assumes I’m insincere, he’s wrong. I call people “my friend” because it’s the way to tell them that I believe we still have a chance to do some really great things.

2. Go for the second question. Our conversations with people are very short, usually revolving around the weather or some ill-defined answer to “how are you?” Just a few minutes ago, I said to this dude, “Good morning.” He said, “Good morning to you.” I responded, “Do you have a good day planned?” It kind of shocked him. It was fun. He paused and responded, “I sure hope so!” As I was walking away, he called out, “How about you?” I replied, “Much better now that I met you!”

I know some of you may think it’s corny.  Good. If the worst thing ever said about me is that I’m corny, I will not only survive it, but I will be able to produce a very stable crop of ideas.

3. Once every hour, look in the mirror. Sometimes we forget how we look. Sometimes I forget that I’m getting older, because my mind is still popping at about a 22-year-old level. Look in the mirror. Do you see a grimace? A growl? Or some glee? That’s what folks are looking at, you know. When we forget what we look like and what countenance has etched its way across our face, we do a disservice to ourselves and everyone else. Work on your facial expression. It won’t kill you, although contrary to popular opinion–our looks CAN kill.

That’s about it. It’s not difficult; it won’t change the world. But I’m really not out to change the world. I just want to make sure that when I greet my Maker, I’m ready with a second question and I pretty well know what I look like.

And since who I am is going to be written in down permanent ink in the Book of Life–if you don’t mind, I think I’ll just use my Mondays to “pencil practice”–right here and now.