Sit Down Comedy … September 20th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4173)

Sit Down Comedy

If the premise is wrong

Then the promise is gone

It is hysterical how historical this is.

Although many claims have been made over the years, once it was established that the premise—the thought behind the claim—was either ridiculous or evil, then those who were waiting for the promise ended up looking like they just bought a used car at “Lucky Billy’s Auto Emporium.”

I realize that as a reader you may have sympathies toward political parties, regional axioms, religious affiliations, and racial or cultural differences. But the shocking fact is:

Truth doesn’t care if our feelings get hurt on the way to marching toward justice.

Matter of fact, no matter how adorable, meaningful, helpful or God-given we insist our premise may be, once it is revealed to be wrong, there will be no promise forthcoming.

For instance, immigration.

The premise is made that if we build a wall, we can protect our country from all the murderers and rapists who are trying to come in.

Another premise is that if we open our country to those who wish to come, we will acquire great thinkers and build up the nation’s foundation.

Here’s the problem—we already have plenty of murderers and rapists right here and now, whose families have been around for many generations. We must also realize that people escaping to come to America may actually prefer to live in their own countries.

So both premises are found to be wrong, and therefore the promise doesn’t bloom. The truth? People shouldn’t have to come to America because they’re fugitives from crime, or they’re being tortured and starved.

America wants people to come because they want to.

These visitors are therefore willing to answer the needful questions and go through the procedures available. Then the promise is real—a country of immigrants who have found their home.

Based on that, our goal should be to go to the source, where the immigrants live, and assist them to make their country as pleasant as humanly possible—so they don’t have to relocate unless they truly wish to come.

Why don’t we try another one?

Let’s talk about poverty.

One premise is that if you give extra money to the rich and industrious, they can provide more jobs for people who don’t have the funds to begin their own businesses but will gladly step forward and receiving the work.

The other premise is that industrious and wealthy corporations, which should help, won’t. So we will tax them and force them to pour out their finances to people who live in poverty—whether these unfortunates are willing to work or not.

As you can see, neither premise will deliver the promise of assisting our fellow-human beings to be fruitful.

So what do we need to do? Obviously, we need to unveil a plan which taxes every American according to his or her prosperity—a sliding scale with the finance from such a collection being divided to fund those who want to work, assist the few that are disabled, and stimulate those who are impoverished due to their own lack of motivation.

Abortion.

The premise is that if we stop aborting babies, children can be born and grow into happy human beings.

Or the premise is that women who are already born and alive should have the only controlling decision on whether a baby will be born or aborted.

In both cases, the premise does not deliver a promise.

The real goal is to eliminate unwanted pregnancies.

We must do this by honoring the free will of the women and the babies. In order to achieve this, we must abandon archaic positions against birth control, sex education and allowing those who wish to adopt to include lifestyles that we may not favor.

As you can see, I could go on and on, but I will leave that to you.

Just remember, as you listen to these individuals running for President, who bought fifteen different suits of clothes, outfitted a bus and purchased buttons and flyers from the Cheapskate Publishing Company—yes, as you listen to them offer their premise, follow through to the promise.

Question whether the premise is faithful to what the Earth has already discovered to be true.

And always remember this:

If the premise is wrong, the promise is gone.

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The *** Word … August 6th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4128)


THE

Image result for gif of alphabet

WORD


ASSHOLE

Can’t give up on each other.

BITCH

Upgrading, not degrading.

CULTURE

Be different. Find something the same.

DEVIL

May the hell be scared out of you.

EXCEPTIONAL

Not so much.

FUCK

Only for pleasure.

GOD

I don’t know and neither do you.

HELL

Hope not.

IGNORANCE

Everything I don’t know.

JERUSALEM

Just a town.

KU KLUX KLAN

Too much alliteration.

LUCK AND LOSER

Not for you to decide.

MOST

There’s always more.

NIGGER

Use the word, lose seventy I.Q. points.

ODD

By whose standard?

POLITICAL PUNDIT

Just a reason to wear a suit.

QUIET

Over-rated.

RELIGIOUS

Too much Godly—not enough God.

SARCASTIC

Nasty ninny.

TRUTH

Not for you and I to completely know.

USELESS

Not our call.

VICTIM

Find a reason to escape it.

WORRY

Wasted energy.

XENOPHOBIA

The stupidity of the less traveled.

YOUTHFUL

A state of mind.

ZEALOT

Too goddamn sure.

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Iz and Pal (Bedouin Buddies)


Iz and Pal

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4126)

Sitting Thirty-One

And then all at once, an interruption came to rob the attention from the cause. The priest sank to his knees, seemingly overcome by the desert heat. He grabbed his head as the perspiration poured off his face. The gathered horde of critics moved to his side, deeply concerned for his well-being.

“You see what you’ve done, boys? I’m very tired of your disrespect,” said the suit.

The robe stepped forward threateningly. “You must learn to hold your tongue, young man.”

And the priest, still on his knees breathing heavily, voiced his objection. “My collar does not pinch me.”

He turned to those holding him up, finishing. “I will be fine, my brothers. Just a little too much heat.”

All the adults turned with one disapproving gaze in the direction of the pair of renegade escapees.

Pal stepped forward. “Listen, you should not be here. He’s sick. Just leave us alone. If you are truly men of God, as you say, you need to realize that there’s nothing wrong with love between two friends.”

“Honor your father and mother,” replied the suit.

All the men vigorously nodded their heads in agreement. They had finally found a common axiom which they could all agree upon.

Iz and Pal looked at the four men and then back at each other. Trying to talk to these immovable statues was a fruitless task. It seemed they were speaking different languages.

“Understand this,” said blue jeans. “We were sent to resolve this peacefully. We mean you no harm. We’re not trying to overtake you. But when they come with the rally, they will not be as nice as we have been to you.”

“Why can’t you just leave us alone?” demanded Pal.

“Because you are children,” responded the collar.

“Weren’t you a child once?” queried Iz.

Now standing solidly on his feet, he replied, “Yes. But I’ve put away childish things.” His face was still flushed with crimson.

Iz stopped and held his hands up in the air, requiring a reprieve. Several times the collar, the robe, the blue jeans and the suit tried to speak, but he covered his ears.

When Iz saw that their lips didn’t move any more and silence had settled in, he said, “I guess we’re just not ready to put away childish things—because you grown-ups pack away all of their dreams along with those childish things. We are not ready to be dreamless.”

The robe screamed at the top of his voice, “Is it true there’s a hand grenade?”

Pal was very nervous, but somehow or another managed to remain cool. He glanced over at Iz, who displayed an unsettling, icy stare. “Would you like to see it?” he asked. “Or would you like to hear it?”

The men were not willing to overwhelm the two boys—not at the risk of their own lives. The meeting was over. The committee stared at the unflinching features of the young men. One by one, the invaders turned and walked slowly down the hill.

Collar spoke as he left. “May it never be said that we didn’t try to warn you.”

Pal yelled after them as they trudged along. “How about Joseph and his brothers? They lived in Egypt and lived in peace—Jew and Arab. Did anyone hold a rally and try to stop them? Were they wrong, Mullah?”

There was no more response.

After all, the mission was not about discovering the truth or even discussing the facts. It wasn’t even about redeeming the time. The whole goal had been to get the little boys to do what little boys were supposed to do.

Yet what do you do when you’re old and the young will not listen? What is your recourse when boys grow into men without your permission?

Iz and Pal stood and watched as the men finished their walk and disappeared.

The rally would be in two days. That meant there were forty-eight hours of freedom left—guaranteed space for Iz and Pal.

They decided not to waste a second of it thinking about religious figures who frowned and never smiled…and also resembled melting snow that had no place in the desert.

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The R Word … June 4th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

(4066)


THE

Related image

WORD


Karl Marx was incorrect.

He contended that “religion was the opiate of the people.”

Actually, being religious does very little to ease the pain.

In fact, religion is the methamphetamine of the people. It robs them of the nutrients of abundant life while simultaneously turning them into raging, frightful lunatics.

So the word that should never be spoken again that begins with the letter R is:

RELIGIOUS

I, for one, don’t want to hear it again. For I have studied:

The decline of the religious mind

It begins with:

1. I believe in God.

An innocent premise. Maybe even one that could lend itself to humility.

2. I study God’s Word.

Which God’s Word? Or should I say whose God’s Word? Or maybe better phrased, what portion of God’s Word?

3. I follow God’s Law.

Now we begin to leave reality. Since none of us is righteous—not one—what would make us think that our particular brand of being religious could make us faithful to what we perceive to be the Law of God?

4. I spread God’s Commandments.

5. I see evil.

6. I challenge evil.

7. I judge those who do evil.

Somewhere in that process, the believer ceases to be one who believes and instead, becomes one who insists we believe in him or her.

8. I believe these workers of iniquity are less than me because they don’t know God.

9. I am helping God make the world a pure place.

10. I attack evil doers.

The difference between a congenial soul singing a hymn in a sanctuary and a zealot terrorist blowing up a building in the name of God is often no more than six weeks of concerted, devious training.

“Religious” will never allow you to see God, but only focus on things that you deem godless.

It is possible to live a spirited life of faith without being religious.

But for God’s sake, if you can’t, spend more seasons in prayer and less time around people.


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Sit Down Comedy … November 30th, 2018

Jonathots Daily Blog

(3872)

Mall Talk

Santa: Jesus Christ!

Jesus: Are you cussin’ or just glad to see me?

Santa: (hugs Jesus and pulls back) I almost didn’t recognize you.

Jesus: That’s because I’m traveling S. I.

Santa: S. I.?

Jesus: (smiling) Savior Incognito. So good to see you, old man.

Santa: Yeah, that’s interesting, because I supposedly have gained immortality, but they’ve stuck me at about seventy-five years of age.

Jesus: Well, I died at thirty-three–that’s where I’m kind of stuck, except I didn’t exactly leave behind a pretty corpse.

Santa: (frowning) Sorry about that.

Jesus: Oh, lighten up, old man. It’s Christmas. We’ll get around to that Easter stuff later.

Santa: Well, what brings you to this mall on this day?

Jesus: I was about to ask you the same question.

Santa: Well, there are so many people dressing up like me now, that it’s easy for me to slip in, as you say, incognito, and play myself at a mall. No one knows the difference.

Jesus: So why this mall?

Santa: The best damn curly fries at the food court. I’m tellin’ you, you’ve got to try them. They’re to die for.

Jesus: Was that another crack at my crucifixion?

Santa: Oh, I’m sorry…

Jesus: (punching him in the arm) Just kidding! You’ve gotta lighten up!

Santa: Well, there’s a lot of pressure. This time of year, you run into this “Christmas war” thing–you know, where you and I are supposed to be enemies. You representing the “true meaning of Christmas” and me being a commercial bungler.

Jesus: Well, don’t people know that you’re real name is Saint Nicholas?

Santa: I’ve always been your greatest fan. I watched what you did with children, learned from how you gave to people. And I took it seriously when you said in your Beatitudes, “Rejoice and be exceedingly glad.”

Jesus: And you even copied my twelve elves!

Santa: (a bit flustered) Well… Not exactly.

Jesus: Well, sometimes they acted like elves. You see, people like to keep you where they found you. Lots of folks met me in church so they think I live there. (whispering) Honest to God, Claus–I haven’t been there for years.

Santa: You’re right. Because with me, they loved the Old North Pole thing. Obviously couldn’t do all the work in one location. I have it spread all over the globe. Every once in a while, I even use Amazon.

Jesus: If people just understood that there’s no bad way to say Christmas. It’s kind of like the word “candy.” You can substitute “chocolate, peanut butter, confection, caramel”–and still, what comes to your mind is…

Santa: (interrupting) …candy. You’re right! You can say “reindeer, Christmas tree, carols, jingle bells or manger.” What comes to my mind is Christmas.

Jesus: So they can call it a holiday. That doesn’t help them. Because the word “holiday” means “holy day.” They can say “Season’s Greetings,” but everybody knows the season is Christmas.

Santa: People just fuss too much.

Jesus: I’d say “amen” but I’m not that religious.

Santa: You really aren’t, are you?

Jesus: Nope–I just love people. I love my Father, I love Mother Nature and I love the idea of life. You know I was born in a barn…

Santa: (laughing) That’s funny.

Jesus: (serious) What’s funny about it? You live in a toy shop with reindeer.

Santa: (serious) Well, I didn’t want to argue with you.

Jesus: (laughing) You really are uptight about this Christmas thing, aren’t you? Tell you what–let’s head off to the food court and you can buy me some of those curly fries and prove to me that they’re the best in the world.

Santa: That’s a deal–if you’ll tell me about the first Christmas.

Jesus: Well, I was just a little baby surrounded by asses.

(Santa is shocked)

Jesus: (poking him in the arm) You know–donkeys. Listen, old man–we’d better hurry and get those curly fries right now. You are desperately in need of some good cheer.

 

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Jonathots … November 27th, 2018


Jonathots Daily Blog

(3869)

Jonathan's Handbook of Hands

Darwin didn’t know anything about hammers, nails or carpentry. He was a banker who could build a portfolio but not a cupboard.

Yet there was a simple repair which required a couple of nails in a cabinet in his garage, so he decided to take the hammer from the drawer and do the work himself. He lined up the nail, failed to pay adequate attention, and ended up slamming his hand with the hammer.

It was shocking and it hurt.

The first thing he did was drop the hammer, take his right hand, reach over, and caress his wounded hand.

It was natural.

We all do it.

We have a toothache–we put our hand up to cradle our jaw.

A sore knee means that one of our hands will reach down and touch the hurtful area and massage it.

Built within the mechanism of our humanity is a notion that we have a “healing touch.” We instinctively want to touch the area of our body that is aching, bleeding or sore.

Yet for some reason, over the years we’ve denied this innate gesture–thinking it was either too religious or too intrusive.

There is one thing for sure–pain brings physical discomfort, but it also invites great emotional distress. Simply having one, two or many friends gather around us and lay their hands on us to express their empathy and tenderness always immediately heals the “emotional distress portion” of the problem.

People say they don’t believe in miraculous healing. Fine. But even if there were no God, there is still healing in every person’s hands, to reach into the soul and heart of another traveler, and for a few minutes–or maybe forever–alleviate the anxiety and terror that accompanies a diagnosis.

If I had a friend who was living thousands of miles away and I found out he was ill, I would call all my family and acquaintances together, purchase an oversized t-shirt and have everybody wear it for twenty seconds, then pack it up and send it to my friend, with the explanation that it was filled with the touch of all his supporters. He should wear it with confidence.

When a woman believed that a carpenter from Nazareth could heal her by touching the garments which were clinging to his body–well, she was miraculously cured because of her faith.

I’m not trying to pretend that any of us are Jesus, but I’m also not trying to live my life like I’m a clumsy monkey’s uncle.

Touch has mercy.

Touch has healing.

It is a way we can intervene in the lives of those around us who are suffering. For we will never know how much virtue we have within us that can be passed along through our compassionate fingertips.

If there’s a need for healing, touch someone.

The worst thing that can happen is closeness.

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1 Thing You Can Do This Week (If You Want to Be Noticed)

1 Thing You Can Do This Week …

(If You Want to Be Noticed)

Be unpredictable.

That doesn’t mean being more annoying, more religious, more political or more obtuse. It means do the things that prove that your introspection is beginning to show in your outer world.

For instance:

1. Observe good stuff and report it.

2. Help someone you usually criticize.

3. Don’t talk Jesus, be Jesus.

The world will welcome the unpredictable if it sets in motion predicting better things.

 

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