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Names Used by the Amish When Referring to the Female Vagina
1. Grassy Knoll
2. Muffin
3. Barn Raiser
4. Vag-ta-ble
5. Fertilla
Sit Down Comedy … September 21st, 2018
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Women Are Not the Booby Prize
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Salient…June 11th, 2018
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There are matters that are too important to ignore or leave to chance. These are salient moments.
Even though it is not the holiday season, I found myself thinking about the song, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
If you are six years old, the title of this tune is frightening, leading your young mind to believe there’s a divorce in the making, custody battles and certainly a scandal awaiting the great Toymaker to the North.
If you happen to be older–let’s say above fourteen years of age–you don’t have quite the visceral reaction, since you have some inside information which might explain the circumstance. In other words, there might be a reason that Mommy is kissing Santa Claus that the young tyke isn’t fully aware of.
This is the advantage of knowledge, especially when it’s clothed with a great coat of common sense, and sits in a comfortable chair, with calmness.
Yet we, who are supposed to be grownups, are being carried away by all sorts of foolishness and deceptions, as if we are unaware of the possibility of different interpretations.
In politics, we’ve convinced ourselves that lying is an acceptable part of the practice, even though, in our mature minds, we are cognizant of the fact that no liar ever totally gets by with his or her fabrication.
In social interaction, we don’t seem to be able to distinguish the difference between a very poorly executed attempt at flirtation, harrasment, stalking and rape.
And in our religious realms, we deem ourselves to be the judges of humanity, when we were warned by the Judge of All not to don His auspicious robes.
To put it plainly, we are much smarter and more sophisticated than we pretend to be. Just as we know Mommy’s not really kissing Santa Claus, we likewise know that politicians can’t lie without eventually being destroyed, men and women need to learn how to interact with each other without singeing the edges with sexuality, and God needs to be worshipped instead of our fellow-human-beings defamed because they fail to measure up to chapter and verse.
We can do better.
- We can actually take responsibility for the intelligence we’re supposed to have.
- We can walk in the mercy we require for ourselves.
- And we can garner the respect for one another that our own souls yearn to receive.
So for our salient moment:
Be as smart as you need to be by making sure you do not dumb down the world around you by pretending that dumb things should be heard.
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Catchy (Sitting 37) Wishes… February 25th, 2018
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Turns out the Iowa State Fair is held in Iowa–Des Moines, to be exact.
Matthew was anxious to connect with Soos and find out what was going on with all of the articles sprouting up about movements and changes in the church.
He discovered the team was heading to Iowa, and decided to fly out and catch up with her. She suggested they make a day of it and walk around the Iowa State Fair, enjoying the visual treats and “all the yummy eats.”
Soos said she would meet Matthew at the food truck that advertised red, white and blue cotton candy. This made him grumpy–it wasn’t exactly GPS.
But upon arrival he quickly recognized that this particular truck was right in the middle of everything and very easy to spot. He looked around for a moment and then saw her, walking toward him with a huge funnel of something-or-other.
Like a twelve-year-old girl, she ran up, hugged him and handed over the concoction.
“It’s called a cheesy-fried-enchilada funnel cake,” she explained. She thrust it into his face, and Matthew found himself eyeballing instant cullinary death, but bit into it anyway. As with most foods geared to kill the human race, it was absolutely scrumptious.
Soos had found a picnic table nearby where they could sit and talk–a stone’s throw from the hog pens. They sat down, and by the twelfth bite of the funnel cake, Matthew felt a bit queasy at the mixture of Mexicali and pig stink.
Begging off the rest of the treat, he said, “I traced all of these reports and stories about the churches back to you.”
She looked up, a little surprised but with a twinkle in her eye.
He continued. “I just had to come here and find out what’s going on.”
Soos stuck a huge bite of red, white and blue cotton candy in her mouth, and told her story.
It turned out that right after Morgan’s death, Jubal decided it was time to step out–be bold and not just repetitive. He explained that “good things stop being good if they don’t get better.” So one day after a rally, the team, which had now grown to eighteen travelers, was asked a question. “What do you think a Jesus wish list would be?”
Soos continued to explain that this stimulated a five-hour discussion. About halfway through, somebody started typing up the ideas, and the gathered accumulated twenty possibilities. After much discussion, they honed it down to a holy seven, which they called “The Seven Wishes.”
- Jesus would wish to bless children.
- Equality for women.
- Expose what’s fake.
- Heal the sick.
- Bring good news.
- Reward the truth.
- No one is better than anyone else.
Matthew sat and listened quietly as Soos shared her story.
“After they finished the list,” Soos explained, “Jubal said that if we want to address this effort, we need a little army, not just their soul patrol. I thought it was time for me to speak up, so I suggested that ‘good news stories’ should be planted on the Internet and other publications, discussing eye-opening, ground-breaking ideas that reinforce these seven wishes.
“Here was my thought. If people believed the churches were thinking about Jesus’ wishes, maybe the masses would be more likely to consider the churches.”
Matthew interrupted. “Well, how many did you do?”
“Let me see,” said Soos. “A story was released that the Catholic Church, along with considering women for the priesthood, would announce all the names of the priests who were pedophiles, promising to remove them from the ministry, and set in motion a deep healing for the victims.”
She went on. “Another story was that the Mormons, who for years quietly maintained a doctrine of the inferiority of the black race, were now developing a new slogan for the Latter Day Saints: ‘no one is better than anyone else.'”
Soos clapped her hands. “Here was one of my favorites. The Southern Baptist Church of America was offering an apology to the descendants of the slaves.”
“And,” she added, “the Unitarians, who historically did not believe in miracles, were commencing a new program for laying hands on the sick, to see them healed.”
“Unfreakingbelievable,” said Matthew, shaking his head.
Soos continued. “Each story was carefully worded, cushioned with an opening statement such as, ‘rumor has it…’ or ‘sources say…’ or ‘notables within the denomination report…’ while never actually claiming that the information was solidly grounded in fact. The stories were so filled with goodness…”
Matthew jumped in. “You can’t tell me that Jubal went for this.”
Soos shook her head. “No, he didn’t like it at first. Matter of fact, he was standing strongly against it. Then I explained that as long as we were presenting the purity of what these churches say they believe, challenging them to follow their own doctrines, we were merely beckoning them to their own spirit.”
Matthew roared. “What bullshit double-talk.”
Soos was offended. “I don’t need your cynicism. I would like you to consider what’s happened. These churches found themselves in a position to deny the reports, but if they did, they were forced to explain why they were against the concepts. Or they had to make a claim that such movements were under advisement–and in so doing, open the door for their congregants to discuss freely.”
She reached over and touched his hand. “Do you get it, Matthew? People are discussing. People are questioning now because they care. Nobody cared before. Now it’s actually a topic–able to be discussed instead of the forbidden religion which should never be brought up during table talk.”
Matthew listened, unconvinced. What was the possibility of law suits? What if the plan were exposed, called them out for being the charlatans they supposedly were fighting?
Then all at once, Soos changed the subject. “I want you to try something before you leave the fair. It’s just around the corner, over next to the pig barn.”
Matthew was a little taken aback with the transition but played along. “Okay. What’s this special thing next to the oinkers?”
“It’s a huge roast pig leg on a stick,” said Soos.
Matthew winced. “Let me get this straight. So while I’m sitting, staring at living pigs, you want me to munch on a roast pig leg that’s been cooked?”
“Barbecued,” corrected Soos.
“Oh–barbecued,” said Matthew. “That’s different. I’m just curious, Soos. Would you be comfortable sitting in front of a daycare filled with children, chewing on a barbecued leg from a little girl?”
“How good does it taste?” she said, smirking.
Even though Matthew never partook of the pig leg, they talked on for another couple of hours, just catching up.
Soos had changed. She had probably hoped Matthew had changed also.
He hadn’t. The whole project was just a gig to him. He wasn’t ashamed. Somebody had to keep his feet on the ground while the others floated to heaven. That was his job–to be the grownup in La-La Land.
But there was something contagious about Soos’ spirit. As she told stories of city after city, where human beings joined together to escape the dusty sameness, she grew more and more excited.
It was nearly erotic. Of course, Matthew viewed everything through the sunglasses of sexuality.
He realized how much he had missed her. He had never found her especially romantically attractive, but on this day, the gleam of her skin, the sweet smell of her sweat, and the mustiness of her breath left him curious.
After the lengthy conversation, filled with laughs and thoughtfulness, Soos excused herself to leave. Matthew was waiting. He knew that if there was a connection with her–if she was interested in him, or if there was a possibility for a sweet fling–she would inquire as to when she would see him again.
It’s just what women do. At least, that’s what Matthew assumed.
Soos hugged him, kissed him on the cheek, whispered a verse of scripture in his ear, grabbed the rest of her huge Slurpee and jogged down the Midway, in a hurry to get back to what was her real love.
He watched her run away as the growing distance between them fostered a deep sense of loneliness. He had never considered Soos to be beautiful, but all at once, he could easily envision himself ravaging her in bed.
There was no doubt about it–she was going to make some man a wonderful companion, and one hell of a lover.
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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … December 17th, 2016
Jonathots Daily Blog
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Man: I do enjoy talking with you.
Woman: Me, too…except I would love to start seeing some things change instead of just lamenting how they are.
Man: Where would you start?
Woman: I think I would start by exposing the dangers of the “religion of romance.”
Man: What an interesting phrase. The religion of romance. What is that exactly?
Woman: It’s over-emphasizing the pleasure of sexuality between men and women, leaving out the greater benefits we have for each other.
Man: Which would be…?
Woman: Men and women are both controlling and conniving. It’s the weakness of the human race. We don’t learn to address these two vices when we’re children, living in a house with Mom and Dad, or even when we hang around people of our same sex. Because there is so much controlling and conniving put into romance, it is an excellent opportunity to expose that troublesome two, and in the process, become better human beings.
Man: I see. So you think that because we focus so much on sexual intercourse, we never allow our relationship to mature, to be the give-and-take of discovery.
Woman: Not only that–because we characterize romance as “sexiness,” when that begins to die down, we feel we have lost something. Then we go out and find other lovers to ignite the memories.
Man: Meanwhile, we have a mortgage and children through our initial flame, which have to be distributed as “goods” when we decide we’re not right for each other anymore.
Woman: It’s one of the few things that the religious and secular communities agree on–they feel romance should be hot, scintillating and so strong that we can’t keep our hands off each other.
Man: It’s so foolish when you think about it. Sex obviously won’t stay at level ten, so there needs to be a transition to something deeper. But since romance centers on our genitals instead of our brain, we lose faith in each other and start looking for that “necking session in the back seat of the car” from high school.
Woman: It isn’t like maturing a relationship is not absolutely dazzling. Having someone who challenges you on your controlling nature, or who doesn’t put up with the shit of your lies, is a gift from God. But if you’re afraid you’ll lose your bedroom magic, you may play the game and end up losing.
Man: So what would you suggest to get this thing started?
Woman: I think we should make fun of the overwrought plots in movies and television that focus on the physical aspects of love instead of the complete package. I would be so thrilled to see two mature human beings of the opposite sex talking about this issue in candor as a plot for a movie.
Man: So to overcome the “religion of romance,” we have to really prove that sex is not a god.
Woman: Very good. Because we worship sex. We sacrifice at the altar of carnal relationships. And we end up mistreating each other when the fire turns into a cozy sensation of security instead of a torrid affair.
Man: This is really interesting.
Woman: I know. It’s great to talk about. But here’s the truth. As a human, I will be controlling and conniving unless I have a long-standing relationship with someone who refuses to let me be ridiculous.
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Don’t let another Christmas season go by without owning Jonathan’s book of Christmas stories
Mr. Kringle’s Tales …26 Stories ‘Til Christmas
An advent calendar of stories, designed to enchant readers of all ages
“Quite literally the best Christmas stories I have ever read.” — Arthur Holland, Shelby, North Carolina
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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … December 10th, 2016
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Man: I have heard some of my more intelligent and well-educated friends, who would never speak a racial slur nor attack the civil rights of any individual, stand in my presence and tell a joke to the detriment and humiliation of the opposite sex.
Woman: Me, too. Matter of fact, I have many acquaintances who claim to be atheists–but who basically buy into the idea of a “fall” in Eden which left men struggling and women overly dependent.
Man: It seems the only thing people are willing to agree on is how disagreeable and unnatural the inner workings are between men and women.
Woman: So is it possible there actually was a fall?
Man: Well, let’s begin with a startling revelation. According to the Book of Genesis, humans were created perfect. So the premise that “nobody’s perfect” is contrary to the concept of the original layout. If we believe human beings are naturally imperfect and have a built-in excuse for inadequacy, then to a certain degree, we rubber-stamp the sinful fall from perfection.
Woman: Wow. That’s far out. The problem is, this alleged fall left men dominating and women afraid that they weren’t measuring up–submissive.
Man: It’s obvious in our society, even among those we comically refer to as “the elite,” that women want equality–a status that can only be confirmed by a generous, tender-hearted, loving and free-thinking male. But simultaneously, they tend to screw testosterone-driven dorks, who treat them like property. So women giggle through “Fifty Shades of Grey,” pretending it’s lascivious, while promoting the notion that this lady in the book only becomes free and happy when she is mistreated sexually and gradually develops an appetite for it.
Woman: That’s also far out. So what we as women really say is that men who are nice are either gay or obviously limp, and men who are mean may drive us mentally crazy but we can’t wait to get in the sack with them.
Man: So this creates a question. Can a man, simply by being courteous and equitable, change the environment between the sexes, or will women have to walk away from what seems to be their post-Eden curse of cuddling up to aggression?
Woman: I think it begins with women realizing that their sexuality is located in their brain, which stimulates the clitoris, and as long as they’re with someone who’s willing to be around when it’s stimulated, it would be better to choose someone who offers intelligent and kind conversation over coffee.
Man: And it’s up to men to realize that the movies, books and entertainment suggest that women have a weakness for bad boys, but there is no future in becoming one.
Woman: As far as I know, Eden was reported to be a place of perfection because men and women worked together and found pride in their accomplishments and joy in their sex.
Man: And until both men and women are ready to return to a life that is first heart-felt, secondly soulful, thirdly mindful, and therefore, finally sexually fulfilling, they will continue to act out a nightmare of dominance and submission.
The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity
Don’t let another Christmas season go by without owning Jonathan’s book of Christmas stories
Mr. Kringle’s Tales …26 Stories ‘Til Christmas
An advent calendar of stories, designed to enchant readers of all ages
“Quite literally the best Christmas stories I have ever read.” — Arthur Holland, Shelby, North Carolina
Only $5.99 plus $1.25 shipping and handling.
Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … March 26th, 2016
Jonathots Daily Blog
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Dear Man: Cooperate.
Dear Woman: Is that an order?
Dear Man: No, I was just thinking about the word. Co, meaning the two of us, and operate … well, I guess that implies working together.
Dear Woman: The two of us working together. That’s cool.
Dear Man: Well, the trouble is, it’s not cool. We are taught to be independent. Self-sufficient. We’re working on our own biographies instead of a human story. Somehow we feel diminished if all the praise doesn’t come our way but instead is given to a cooperative effort.
Dear Woman: I see what you mean. Yet that’s always been my problem with collaboration. Rather than everybody standing back and rejoicing over the end result, each person has a tendency to point out his or her part in the process.
Dear Man: We can’t help it. Society tells us if we don’t toot our own horn it won’t get tooted.
Dear Woman: It is possible for somebody to blow your horn. After all, it is a horn.
Dear Man: That’s funny. And oh, so true. I guess we need to remember that we were created to be in a garden. It’s a co-op. No person is sufficient unto themselves without a common humanity and a common good.
Dear Woman: I have to be honest. I’m resistant to that concept. I mean, I understand it but it’s like I feel I need to have autonomy. Otherwise I don’t have my own thing.
Dear Man: I’m the same way. I would like to include you, but I really don’t want you to feel like you’re necessary.
Dear Woman: But it’s all over nature. If you don’t mind me bringing it up, even sexuality is kind of comical. The male and female parts are not competely compatible with each other unless the man and the woman talk, discuss and share.
Dear Man: So true. Yet at the same time, we feel like we should be complete within ourselves. It’s important to acknowledge what we have, otherwise we don’t know what we require.
Dear Woman: And it’s not stereotypes. Not all men are strong and all women emotional.
Dear Man: Absolutely not! Sometimes the female is the strong one and the man brings the emotion. It’s knowing how to co-op. In farming, one person plants, another waters and God and Nature give the increase.
Dear Woman: So why are we so damn afraid of this?
Dear Man: We’re taught to look at each other sexually, not practically.
Dear Woman: I can see that. Sometimes I’m just nervous talking to a woman because I’m afraid…I don’t know…that she doesn’t find me attractive.
Dear Man: What can be more attractive than an intelligent exchange? Or the realization that somebody has brought some information to you that completes one of your goals?
Dear Woman: So what can we do to initiate this co-op?
Dear Man: I think what stumps people is that in order to become strong, you have to know where you’re weak. And to use your weakness is to learn to recognize what you need before it’s pointed out to you.
Dear Woman: I think I could actually do that, especially if I had a friend to remind me when I was stumping around advertising my ego instead of being honest about my limitations.
Dear Man: Men and women were meant to cooperate–joining together to operate a plan that is only enhanced by their dual efforts.
The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity
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