Cracked 5 … April 25th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Reasons That Cauliflower Should Not be Put in Pizza Dough

A. It’s just naturally a little stinky, stinky, big-butt

 

B. Although white, it doesn’t seem to possess the “privilege”

 

C.  Just because it has “flower” in its name doesn’t really make it flour

 

D. People try to escape the taste by adding more fatty cheese and greasy sausage

 

E.   God is really pissed.

 

 

I’m Looking For… A Cool Cat January 31, 2013

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I don’t like cats.

I find them to be finicky, fussy–portraying great promise, with very little evidence of actual worth.

I grew up with them. My mother loved cats. There were always at least three or four hanging around our house. A case could be made that I’ve overdosed on the furballs, but the truth is I’ve just gotten to know them so well that I no longer find their peculiarities to be cute, but rather, obnoxious and arrogant.

They don’t really like people. Now, I’m sure your pet cat is the exception to the rule, but if you’ll allow me to analyze the species as a whole without feeling that I’m attacking Muffin, here are the things about cats that I don’t like:

1. They use people when they need them and discard them at will.
2. It is necessary to de-claw them because their jungle instincts come out only in disdain for your furniture.
3. They never love when you need love, only when their psyche personally requires it.
4. They leave the house and kill birds–actually, an estimated three and a half billion last year.
5. They don’t make eye contact. They walk at a distance from you, looking askance.
6. They don’t come when you call them. They interpret this as independence when it is actually overwrought self-worth.
7. They will occasionally just walk out of the house to never return, leaving no note behind explaining their departure.

Please understand–I think cats have a greater potential in physiology and even attitude for FAR surpassing the dog in viability to the human family. They just don’t care. They are not interested in the propagation of our race or the whims and desires of our needs.

Cats aren’t cool.

So I am looking for a cool cat. Yes, I mean this in the sense of the feline, but also the “we-line.” Here are things I think would help make cats cooler:

1. Stop playing so hard to get. They may refer to you as a Persian cat, but it doesn’t mean you’re royalty.
2. Be grateful that somebody’s calling you, and walk across the room to respond to their beckoning.
3. Never scowl or spat at those around you, even when they come up behind and surprise.
4. Bury your crap a little deeper in the litter and stop being offended because people are not impressed with the residue of your stinky.
5. Stop disdaining the dogs around you and realize that you’re not better just because you’re a cat.
6. Enjoy the food set before you, even if it’s not presented in a fancy glass dish and garnished with a bit of parsley.
7. Maintain the dignity of your claws–just don’t use them on people you love or the things they own.

There you go. Today, I feel like I have rebuilt the cat–and in the process, maybe I, myself, can learn to avoid the choice of being a lap dog … by learning how to be a cool cat.

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation of $10 for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity