Cracked 5 … March 30th, 2019

 


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Things You Might Want to Do Upon Posting Your 4,000th Daily Blog

 

A.  Call Leonardo DiCaprio and yell into the phone, “No! I am the King of the World!”

 

B.  Write some sort of stupid article or comedy piece to announce it

 

C.  Sit by your phone waiting for CNN and Fox News to contact you, while ordering a pizza, pretending they already did

 

D.  Pick your nose—without shame, blame or any regard for the politically correct masses

 

E.  Purposely choose to develop writer’s block

Jonathan Richard Cring

  
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Catchy (Sitting 16) Switch … October 1st, 2017

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Matthew was still so rattled from his meeting with Jubal that when he arrived back at his hotel on the Vegas strip, he couldn’t remember his suite number. So in his usual overcomplicated, confusing way, he explained his situation to the front desk clerk, who retrieved his number from the records and then said, “That suite, 772–your wife was here earlier to pick up the key.”

Matthew didn’t have a wife.

His face apparently communicated that thought, because the young desk person giggled and winked.

All the way up on the elevator, Matthew wondered if he was headed toward a surprise hooker hired by some of his clumsy friends, or if there was a serial killer waiting to end his brief and tumultuous life.

He took the key provided by the winking worker, carefully opened the door and walked in. Sitting on the edge of his couch–pensively, as if waiting for a dental appointment–was Soos.

“What are you doing here?” asked Matthew, quickly shutting the door.

“I followed you. Well, we followed you.” She said, rising quickly to her feet.

Matthew crossed the room, leaned against a chair and asked, “Why did you follow me, and who is we?”

Soos sat down, took a deep breath and replied, “We is Jo-Jay and myself, and why… Well, that’s why I’m here. You see, Jo-Jay has a crush on you and she wanted to follow you to Vegas hoping that something might actually happen in Vegas that could stay here. Well, she was too chicken to come by herself so she asked me to come along, and then when we got here, she was too scared to come up here. So she asked me to go first and talk to you to see if you were interested in her and if you would mind her coming to visit your room.”

Soos stopped speaking, as if she’d actually made sense.

“Are we in the fourth grade?” queried Matthew.

“No,” Soos answered. “But to be completely fair, it’s been since the fourth grade that we had to do stuff like this to find out if people like us…”

Matthew eased down into the chair. “Well, of course I like Jo-Jay. And I like you, Soos.”

“What do you mean?” Soos sparked.

Matthew paused. “Well, I mean I think we have a lot of history, and you’re an attractive woman, I’m a reasonably acceptable man with good grooming habits…”

“And nice eyes,” interrupted Soos.

“Thanks,” replied Matthew. “I don’t see them often. Basically the mirror.”

“They’re nice,” said Soos with a smile.

Matthew considered the situation. “So let me get this straight. You’re supposed to come and find out if I would …welcome?…a visit from Jo-Jay so she won’t be embarrassed if I wouldn’t? Do I have this right?”

“Sounds dumb, doesn’t it?” Soos inserted sheepishly. She continued. “It’s especially weird because I like you, too. I can’t tell her about that because it would make her crazy. So I thought I would just lay in the weeds, so to speak, and see if you rejected her, and then wait a respectable length of time…say four days…”

Matthew jumped in. “Four days, huh? Where’d you come up with that?”

“It just seems like a little more than three days,” explained Soos. “Anyway, I would then be able to tell you that I think you’re attractive also, but I wouldn’t feel bad about it because you would have already kicked Jo-Jay to the curb.”

Matthew stood to his feet and sighed. “I’m not gonna kick anybody to the curb. I’m just tired and I’m going to bed.”

Once again, Soos leaped to her feet and moved closer to him. “Would you like some company?”

She touched him on the cheek.

“So we’re skipping Jo-Jay…?”

Soos interrupted. “And the four days. I’m too damn young to be alone tonight in Vegas, and way too old to wait.”

Matthew chuckled and headed toward the bedroom. Soos pursued. She pulled him over to the bed by his belt and said, “Are you interested in me?”

Matthew, looking down at her hands, said, “I’ve always found it very difficult to be disinterested in any woman who had her hands in my pants.”

“Not very eloquent,” said Soos, “but who am I to be picky?”

She pulled him down to the bed, he fell over her, and she put her hands on his shoulders and kissed him. She started to remove her blouse when suddenly there was a commotion from the other room.

“Hi! The door was open. I hope everybody’s decent!!”

It was Jo-Jay. There was no time to reframe the choreography. Jo-Jay walked in the room with an expression she might have displayed upon finding herself as a time traveler arriving on the deck of the Titanic at about midnight.

Horrified.

Matthew felt the need to speak, but his brain disagreed. Soos jumped in to fill the awkward moment. She slowly untangled herself from her hold on Matthew as she self-consciously buttoned up her blouse and explained, “Listen, this may seem weird, but it really doesn’t have to be. We are all mature sophisticated adults. The atmosphere is here, the moment is understood and the participants are ready. Why don’t I just move away from the bed and Jo-Jay can come in and resume the action-in-progress? I know it sounds a little avant garde, but a few kisses, a couple of tweaks–and it’ll be a distant memory.”

At this point, Soos moved over and tried to push Jo-Jay toward the bed to create the switch.

Matthew was perplexed, intrigued and somewhat repulsed by the whole situation.

For a brief moment, Jo-Jay considered the extraordinary hostage exchange. Then she stopped in her tracks, turned to Soos and said, “I thought you were my friend.”

Soos replied, “I am your friend. But it’s also been a long time since anybody’s rung my bell.”

Matthew felt it was time to speak. “Listen, I’m not trying to ring anybody’s bell, or whatever euphemism you want to insert. I just came to my room to go to sleep.”

“So why is she in your bed?” asked Jo-Jay.

Matthew answered, “Well, if I was using sports terminology, I would say she tackled me for a loss on the play.”

“I don’t know what that means,” said Jo-Jay in a huff. “I liked you and wanted to spend some time with you…”

Matthew interrupted. “So why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Because good girls don’t cavort. That’s what my mother told me long before I knew what the word ‘cavort’ meant. Since I now do know, it would be improper for me to offer myself to you without knowing whether the offering would be acceptable.”

Matthew shook his head. “Hell, have we just gone Old Testament here? Please, ladies, nothing personal. No decision is being made about the future. But right now I need to be alone without the temptation of any lovely lasses.”

Soos said, “Well you don’t have to insult us.”

Matthew sighed. “I don’t know how I insulted you but if I did, I’m sorry, but since I don’t know what I did, maybe we should just talk about this later when we’re not in a room together playing musical beds.”

Jo-Jay turned on her heel and headed toward the door, stopping briefly to throw back a final comment. “I will leave the fornication to the two of you.”

Soos grabbed her purse and followed along. “Wait! I’m not gonna fornicate. I just came up here to represent you.”

Jo-Jay turned around and hugged Soos. “I know. The brute seduced you.”

Matthew lifted one finger in the air. “Let me point out that I am neither a brute nor did I seduce anyone. Just stating for the record.”

Jo-Jay responded, nearly in tears. “I thought you were different.”

“I am different,” said Matthew. “I thought you were not crazy.”

“Well, you were wrong,” Jo-Jay replied. She scurried out the door and into the hall.

“I wouldn’t call her for a couple of days,” Soos whispered to Matthew. “She’ll need some personal space to work this out.”

Matthew lay back on the bed, the memory of female hands in his pants still dancing in his head.

But mostly on his mind was what he envisioned to do with Jubal Carlos.

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Cracked 5 … August 29th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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Ironic Things Overheard on the Deck of the Titanic Shortly Before It Left on Its Final Journey

A. “Reginald, do we need more life boats?”

 

B. “No, Horatio, I just finally got the number even on both sides.”

 

C. “God, I hope I get to see an iceberg–a big’un!”

 

D. “I wonder if they’ll ever make a movie about this boat?”

 

E. “Tell the stewards to save the best wines and caviar for when we get closer to New York.”

 

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Cracked 5 … December 27th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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The Day After Christmas Is Fairly Famous

Here Are Some “Day Afters” That Lacked Promise

A. The day after the Titanic launch

 

B. The day after my first treatment of “Twelve Day Colon Rinse”

 

C. The day after the end of the world

 

D. The day after my wife told me to buy a lottery ticket on the way home from work with a specific number she wanted and I forgot and it ended up winning $416,723,000

 

E. The day after my funeral

cracked-5-lottery

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G-Poppers … July 1st, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Jon close up

G-Pop’s granddaughter called, very sad because she had just finished reading the story of the sinking of the Titanic.

Since she was fresh from the pages of the book and deeply touched by the loss of over fifteen hundred human lives, G-Pop comforted her. On another day, he decided, he would share with her the “Titanic Thinking” that brought about much of the calamity.

Matter of fact, most of that Titanic Thinking exists in our society today, as we thumb our noses at common sense, deeming ourselves invincible.

So many people could have been salvaged from that doomed situation if there had been a willingness to admit mistakes and seek reasonable and equitable solutions.

The first problem with all Titanic Thinking is:

1. We’re too big to fail.

Having constructed the largest, the best, the fastest and the brightest, we are completely intoxicated by the power of our own might.

  • Therefore, the Titanic did not have enough life boats. After all, why would they need them?
  • They didn’t have enough spotters looking for icebergs.
  • And with a sense of devil-may-care, they scooted at full throttle through what ended up being treacherous waters.

2. Don’t alarm the people.

Considering that the Titanic took several hours to sink, and there were masterful men and women of business, finance and commerce aboard ship, not to mention hardworking folk in steerage below–if these forces could have been united in a common goal, many more lives would have been retrieved.

But the captain and crew decided not to alarm the passengers.

There were many things on the Titanic that could float. How many make-shift rafts could have been put together? How many lifeboats could have been filled to capacity and beyond?

Not even an option. The reason they weren’t?

3. Some folks are better than others.

Because the Titanic was divided into first, second and third class, there was no ability for the passengers to interact and pool their information and strength, to assist in the salvation of their own lives.

You will take a toll if you believe that people are less than you–because the law of averages seems to play out that you eventually need them.

And finally:

4. It will work out.

This abiding foolishness, which some people call faith, was ill-placed in a man-made object which was at the mercy of a God-created sea. Yet deep in the hearts of most of the crew was the belief that the “good old boat would stay afloat” until help arrived.

Somewhere between a sense of dependence and independence lies truth. And when we are honest about our concerns and fears instead of hiding them behind the false bravado that “everything will work out,” we have a much better chance to survive.

Even though these thoughts came to G-Pop’s mind, he chose not to share this vivid detail with his young granddaughter. He was just pleased that her heart was touched by the loss of so many, so long ago.

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Arrest Obama … December 5, 2013

Jonathots Daily Blog

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arrest ObamaAs I drove off last night to Auburn, Georgia, to meet some delightful human folk, I was about to get on I-75 going south when I noticed a young man dressed in camouflage, running up and down the sidewalk, carrying a sign that read, “Arrest Obama.” He was screaming so loud that even though my windows were rolled up, I could hear his complaints with every rant and rave.

It gave me pause.

What causes us to believe that the inclusion or removal of certain factors from our lives will make things better, when we know, deep in our hearts, that we’ll still be stuck with ourselves?

Even if you gave this young man his wish and had the President of the United States arrested for whatever crimes the protestor deemed necessary, he would still have to go home, look in the mirror and deal with his bungles.

America has become victimized by the notion that changing our surroundings actually changes things.

Candidly, I don’t quite see the difference between the presidency of George W. Bush and Barack Obama. They both found themselves overwhelmed by a position they underestimated, surrounded by vicious critics, and locked out of means of leadership because of political parties grappling for power.

By the same token, you can go to your local church and hear messages of how sin and immorality is destroying our country, or on the other hand, how intolerance is debilitating us and we should do better.

We just don’t get it.

  • President Obama is not my problem.
  • The Republican Party is not my obstacle.
  • Sin, degradation and all the flaws that are often flaunted in our culture are not what is holding me back.

Here is a simple two-step process which will give you the truth of the matter and therefore make you free:

  1. I am my worst problem.
  2. I am my best possibility.

I have just given you a paraphrase of what Jesus said when he explained to his followers that “the kingdom of God is within you.”

Whenever we look for a scapegoat or a reason for the destruction of society outside of our own efforts, we not only miss the boat, we sink the Titanic.

I don’t agree with things done by either political party. I have great differences with the religious system that exists in our country.

Here’s the truth: I don’t care. They don’t control my life. Honest to God, they rarely impact my life. What does bounce off of me everyday are my unresolved conflicts and trying to motivate myself to be creative and use my talents instead of allowing despair to render me immobile.

If we believe in God, we must understand that He breathed His life into us. Trying to find God in church, nature, other people, sermons or even the Bible will be impersonal, second-hand information. Finding God in your own heart by recognizing your own problems and tapping your abilities is the definition of true spirituality.

I felt great sadness for my brother screaming and yelling on the sidewalk yesterday. Not because of his politics, but because he is a victim of a fad philosophy which wants to blame the world for our own lives.

I am my worst problem. In like manner, I am my best possibility.

Once I come to terms with this, I can begin to be valuable to myself and others instead of a nit-picking old lady … fussing over the placement of the doilies.

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Click for details on the SpirTed 2014 presentation

Click for details on the SpirTed 2014 presentation

Please contact Jonathan’s agent, Jackie Barnett, at (615) 481-1474, for information about scheduling SpiriTed in 2014.

click to hear music from Spirited 2014

click to hear music from Spirited 2014

Faithful Seeds … July 31, 2013

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BurpeeSeeds of Faith. The name of the church I was at last night.

Since we no longer live in an agrarian society, where everybody is well-associated with planting and harvesting, sometimes we forget the power, magnitude and mission of seeds.

It reminds me of my Burpee encounter. When I was a kid I suddenly became enthused over the notion of ordering a bunch of seed packets from the Burpee catalogue. I think it was because they looked cool, in their little containers with the pictures on the front. Whatever the reason, in about two-and-a-half weeks, I received an envelope filled with seeds for corn, peas, and I think, pumpkin. They were cool. I took them out of their envelopes and shook them like maracas.

But you know what I DIDN’T do? I didn’t plant ’em. I just put them on the shelf, looked at them occasionally, and once I went the back yard, dug some holes—but I forgot to bring the seeds with me. My idea was to return later to plant them. But when I did return a week or so later, the holes were gone—filled up—and I didn’t have the energy for re-digging.

So even though I ordered seeds, owned seeds and carried them around, I never made corn, peas or pumpkins.

I think the name Seeds of Faith is really cool, but it’s really not the seeds that make the difference. It’s putting them to their faithful mission. It’s scary.

It’s kind of weird to take something and plant it in the earth and trust that it will do something old-fashioned and natural, like grow. Seeds in little, tiny envelopes with pictures on them are so much prettier. Keeping our spirituality locked up in a book, having assigned seating in our pews at church or proclaiming the beauty of our favorite hymn is so much easier and more pleasant than actually taking the words of the songs and the ideas of the gospel and planting them into real-life situations, where we risk rejection.

Eventually, by the way, I lost my seeds. I don’t know what happened to them. I think they got shuffled in with some old papers and my mother threw them away during one of her frequent binges of cleaning.

It was weird. I felt sad. Because those seeds fell into my hands—an inept non-farmer—they never got to fulfill their purpose.

It’s time for us in the religious system to actually become the church.

It’s time for us to realize that seeds have been entrusted into our hands for planting, so that we might find reasons to place them in good situations, where they can grow.

Yet the same group of people who can spend hours talking about the plot of the movie, Titanic, can barely get two sentences out about what happened during a spiritual experience in church on Sunday. Why is this? It’s because we worship the seeds and don’t yearn for the harvest.

Here’s what I want to tell them at Seeds of Faith tonight:  “Take your seeds and…”

  1. Find good earth. We keep planting the gospel into dusty, old individuals who couldn’t grow a wart if they handled a toad. Find some good earth. Find people rich with possibility. Find people in need, so salvation means they were salvaged.
  2. Bury yourself. Become passionately involved with your spirituality, just as you are with your family, your movies, your food choices, your fishing and your grilling.
  3. Crack your hull. Understand, a seed doesn’t grow until it’s broken open. It splits open and a stem protrudes, going both up and down, so that the experience is obvious to the earth and to those above.
  4. And finally, suck it up. Suck up all the goodness and nutrients you can, in the earth where you are planted. Don’t miss a chance to discover something worthy of praise. Don’t avoid discussing goodness because the people in the room want to focus on Breaking Bad. Be the counter-punch to the sucker-punch of life. Suck it up—enjoy, relate and rejoice in the Lord. And again I say, rejoice.

Faithful seeds are seeds that find good earth, bury themselves, crack their hulls and then suck up all the nutrients around them, to grow.

Burpeemaybe I ordered them because I thought it was a funny name.

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