Cracked 5 … July 10th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3729)

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Due to years and years of startling mental and emotional abuse, these are some of the things that Charlie Brown from the “Peanuts” cartoon might have done when he grew up and became a serial killer

 

A. Suggest that Peppermint Patty and her lesbian lover camp out in his murder van

 

B. Break Schroeder’s piano into tiny little pieces and force-feed them into his mouth, causing him to choke and die in his overstated, melancholy way

 

C. Cut off Lucy’s head, carve out the brain and fill it with nickels

 

D. Continue his bizarre relationship with Snoopy, his dog, even allowing the beast to become his partner in crime, barking out favored victims

 

E. Cut the voice box out of all the annoying parents and teachers–and once and for all get rid of the goddamn squawking

 

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Cracked 5 … June 19th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3708)

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Really Odd Reasons to Get Married

A.  To have that tan line around your ring finger so when you take a shower you can jump up and down in your birthday suit, saying, “Yay-yay, yay-yay! Look at me!”

 

B.  Your spouse’s breath smells like onion rings, so your mind never drifts too far from Burger King

 

C.  Turns out, with the union and marriage, you can stay with your same bank

 

D.  Your husband has a pet ostrich named Oscar, and he really, really, really likes you

 

E.  You are able to find the perfect last name to go with your first one–so much so that it even rhymes: Carol Farrell.

 

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Cracked 5 … June 12th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

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Things You Can Learn About a North Korean Dictator a Mere Minute After Meeting Him

A. He talks funny

 

B. He has funny eyes

 

C. He has funny hair

 

D. His uniform is really funny

 

E. He, on the other hand, is not funny

 

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Cracked 5 … May 29th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

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Ways You Can Tell a Washington Politician is Lying

A. He offers an explanation before an answer

 

B. He drinks water between answers

 

C. He wears a blue or red tie

 

D. He brought with him a staff member to blame

 

E. His comb-over seems “poofier”

 

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Cracked 5 … May 22nd, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3674)

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Names for Farts That Sound Like English Royal Families

 

A. The Earl of Stench

 

B. Richard the Lion-Farted

 

C. The Stuart of Squirt

 

D. Mary Queen of Pots

 

E. The House of Tooter

 

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Cracked 5 … May 8th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3666)

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Due to the recent notoriety given to Stormy Daniels, a porn actress, below are some other women from that industry who would like to present their names for consideration, which also are marked by meteorological mention:

A. Partly Cloddy

 

B. Com-u-lust

 

C. I-drought-that

 

D. Her-i-came

 

E. Whornado

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Cracked 5 … April 24th, 2018



Jonathots Daily Blog

(3652)

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Things You Cannot Say Unless You Want to Be Dubbed a Racist

A. “I’m not a racist.”

 

B. “Then they are racists, too.”

 

C. “As Dr. King said…”

 

D. “You have to admit, things are better…”

 

E. “I honor all cultures, including my own.”

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