Cracked 5 … December 1st, 2018

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Jonathots Daily Blog

(3872)

Things I Don’t Want for Christmas

 

A. Coffee cup with Grandpa Something-or-other on it

 

B. A gift card from a store I’ve never been to

 

C. Anything that needs an explanation

 

D. A Bible, no matter what translation

 

E. A gag gift. There’s a reason they call it “gag”

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation for this inspirational opportunity 

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Click the elephant to see what he’s reading!

 

Cracked 5 … November 24th, 2018

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Jonathots Daily Blog

(3865)

What To Do With Leftover Thanksgiving Food

A. Gravy smoothies

 

B. Use the white meat to defoliate dead skin on your feet

 

C. Wrap them in Christmas paper and send them to people you don’t like

 

D. Turkey pumpkin tarts

 

E. Just shut up and eat the meat, avoiding the green parts

 

 

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The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation for this inspirational opportunity 

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Click the elephant to see what he’s reading!

 

Cracked 5 … October 20th, 2018

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Jonathots Daily Blog

(3831)

Real Reasons the Leaves Fall

 

A. Scandal

 

B. Wilted by unappreciation

 

C. Not ashamed to show their limbs

 

D. To get grounded in the Earth

 

E.  It’s Autumn, dummy

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation for this inspirational opportunity

 

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Click the elephant to see what he’s reading!

 

Cracked 5 … August 7th, 2018

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Jonathots Daily Blog

(3758)

Plans, Schemes and Promotions Organized by Vegetables to Help Promote Their Brand

A. Hail a Cabbage!

 

B. Lettuce Love One Another

 

C. Broccoli–Never Grew On Bush (George Herbert 41)

 

D. Caul-i-flower Bouquet

 

E. Corn–We’re All Ears

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity

 

Cracked 5 … July 31st, 2018

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Jonathots Daily Blog

(3751)

What We Have Learned This Year About Porn Stars

A. They are called stars without doing great or being known

 

B. They take hush money but don’t hush

 

C. They have colorful names–and STDs

 

D. They bonk and tell

 

E. A strong return to the word “allegedly”

 

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity

 

Cracked 5 … July 24th, 2018

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Jonathots Daily Blog

(3744)

Little Known Facts About Vladimir Putin

A. He wants to bury us–in glitches

 

B. His favorite color is pink

 

C. What he lacks in heart he makes up for in hate

 

D. He thinks pouty is sexy

 

E. He enjoys collecting the knuckles of his enemies

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity

 

Cracked 5 … July 10th, 2018

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Jonathots Daily Blog

(3729)

Due to years and years of startling mental and emotional abuse, these are some of the things that Charlie Brown from the “Peanuts” cartoon might have done when he grew up and became a serial killer

　

A. Suggest that Peppermint Patty and her lesbian lover camp out in his murder van

 

B. Break Schroeder’s piano into tiny little pieces and force-feed them into his mouth, causing him to choke and die in his overstated, melancholy way

 

C. Cut off Lucy’s head, carve out the brain and fill it with nickels

 

D. Continue his bizarre relationship with Snoopy, his dog, even allowing the beast to become his partner in crime, barking out favored victims

 

E. Cut the voice box out of all the annoying parents and teachers–and once and for all get rid of the goddamn squawking

 

The producers of jonathots would humbly request a yearly subscription donation for this wonderful, inspirational opportunity