Cracked 5 … May 23rd, 2017


 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Reasons for the Existence of Reese’s Pieces

 

A. M & M’s not available for 100 miles

 

B. Actually, little turds from peanut butter rabbits

 

C. Weird people like and eat weird things

 

D. Poor shipping

 

E. Reese’s cups got stale

 

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Cracked 5 … May 16th, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(3308)

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Other Names Considered for Jesus (and also the ones who proposed the “handle”)

 

A. Temple Tumbler–presented by the sarcastic Pharisees after Jesus “turned the tables” on them.

 

B. Winey Boy–a quickly devised name by some very drunken souls in Cana who suddenly found themselves slurping a burgundy made out of water

 

C. Jim Bay Luben–a proposal by the Southern Galilean Baptists, who were hoping it might promote Jesus to be more like his cousin, John

 

D. Carpo the Carpenter–a business-package idea by the Nazareth Chamber of Commerce

 

E. Bastard–a never-dying rumor by old, disgruntled Nazarenes who were “month-counters” for Mother Mary.

 

 

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Cracked 5 … May 9th, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Reasons You Should Be Kind To Your Mom On This Upcoming Mother’s Day

A. She knows all your humiliating stories–and is eager to share them with your friends.

 

B. She was willing to give you life even though it meant sleeping with your dad, who wears open-toed sandals with black socks.

 

C. She not only saved your umbilical cord, but SHE FROZE IT!

 

D. She knows where you keep your “junk” and has seen it.

 

E. She is the only person who patted you on the back after you threw up on her.

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Cracked 5 … May 2nd, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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The Real Reasons That President Donald Trump Did Not Attend the White House Correspondents Dinner

 

A. The cooks were from Mexico and the food tasters were Muslim.

 

B. Heard they were serving humble pie.

 

C. Correspondents?? No one corresponded with him!

 

D. Lost his invitation–kept it in the same box with t-shirt reading, “I support the media”

 

E. The duck is always better than the goose

 

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Cracked 5 … April 11th, 2017

 

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Lines From Amish Porno Movies

A.  “Me hay be stacked to the rafters.”

 

B.  “Looks to me like milkin’ time!”

 

C.  “Me buggy has strong shocks.”

 

D.  “How about thee and me do some corn squeezins’?”

 

E.  “Your black brim makes me moist in me minny-sota.”

 

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Cracked 5 … March 28th, 2017

 

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Ways You Can Tell a Watermelon is Ripe

A.  Thump it three times on its yellow underbelly, listen for a hollow response…and then take it home and cut it open.

 

B.  Get very close to the melon at four different locations on its circumference and sniff it, breathing in deeply…(and then take it home and cut it open).

 

C.  Pray over it, laying hands on the surface with a fervent and effectual method…and then, of course, take it home and cut it open.

 

D.  Look carefully for a dark green shade covering the sphere of the entire melon and match it up to others to make sure you’ve achieved the correct hue…and then quickly take it home and cut it open.

 

E.  Take a few weeks to develop a friendly relationship with the produce man at your grocery store and then ask the gent if he would kindly help you pick one of the watermelons he is pretty sure is ready to go…and then TAKE IT HOME AND CUT IT OPEN!!

 

 

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Cracked 5 … March 7th, 2017

 

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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Other Countries Presenting Challenges Which President Trump May Wish to Ban

A.  Britain: Suspicious nooks and crannies in English muffins

 

B.  Luxembourg: A spelling threat

 

C.  Canada: Not sure what they mean by “eh”

 

D.  Switzerland: Neutral?? My ass!

 

E.  Saudi Arabia: Since most of the 9/11 terrorists were citizens of it

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