Cracked 5 … November 22nd, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(3133)

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Things That Santa Claus Does the Day Before Thanksgiving

A.  Pick his cabinet from the available elves, trolls and fairies

 

B.  Insist his red suit shrunk at the cleaners

 

C.  “Sastify” hot Mama Claus

 

D.  Put on his spectacles that make it easy to read crayon

 

E.  Get the sleigh out of hock

 

cracked-5-santa

 

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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … February 27th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(2857)

Dear Man Dear Woman

Dear Man: What do you want from me?

 

Dear Woman: Well, I guess, everything.

 

Dear Man: Everything?

 

Dear Woman: Was that the wrong answer? Because if I said “nothing,” it wouldn’t sound very good.

 

Dear Man: I’m not trying to trick you. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot. I’ve come up with this idea of the “Flirty Thirty.”

 

Dear Woman: I’m listening…

 

Dear Man: I think as men and women what we really want from each other–30 percent of what we’re trying to acquire–is simply the knowledge that we’re attractive.

 

Dear Woman: I can see where that would be important.

 

Dear Man: And I don’t think it’s just man to woman. I think it’s also man to man and woman to woman. As human beings, we need to believe that we are viable to the tribe. Sexual.

 

Dear Womn: I think I’m getting your point. But do you think it’s possible to be considered sexual without trying to take it to the next stage, of having sex?

 

Dear Man: I not only think so, I believe we need to teach people that flirting and granting others the blessing of knowing that they’re part of the race, and they’re not a bunch of trolls or tree stumps, is necessary to their self-worth, without communicating that every boost of confidence is making a pass at someone.

 

Dear Woman: I think women do that to men by expressing admiration and respect.

 

Dear Man: I think it’s the same thing for women. Women want to be admired and respected.

 

Dear Woman: So what happens if the “Flirty Thirty” is misinterpreted, and you get other people jealous or it leads to a bunch of affairs?

 

Dear Man: Well, it does. That’s the problem. Because we’ve declared a war between the genders, we have begun to believe that the only thing that unites us is a mutual interest in sex. So we try to live on 30 percent of a relationship, which causes more romantic collisions than true encounters of mutual understanding.

 

Dear Woman: So what you’re saying is that if you flirt with me, you’re not saying you want to go to bed, you’re granting me the gift of knowing that you don’t find me repulsive, and you’re fully aware that somebody might want to go to bed with me?

 

Dear Man: Yeah, that’s kind of it. And the reason I say that men do it to men is because we have this phrase, “he’s a man’s man”–which really means that men think he’s so manly that they’re sure women would want him.

 

Dear Woman: And with women to women, it’s the imitation one woman has of another woman’s approach, which flatters her sexuality.

 

Dear Man: Yeah, I think so.

 

Dear Woman: So why don’t people talk about the Flirty Thirty?

 

Dear Man: Because they either put too much emphasis on sex or they approach it too casually, instead of realizing that the value of our sexuality is to become better humans.

 

Dear Woman: So what you’re saying is, if I don’t think I’m sexy, I may not have the oom-pah to give a damn about much of anything else.

 

Dear Man: Yeah. It may sound shallow, but it’s true. I need to feel attractive to attract, so that I can discover the real attractions of life.

 

Dear Woman: That was nicely said. So we’ve got the Flirty Thirty–what about the other 70 percent?

 

Dear Man: That’s enough for now, cutie.

 

Dear Woman: Cutie? You know, you’re right. It works.

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Cracked 5 … October 6th, 2015

 Jonathots Daily Blog

(2714)

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Issues That Upset the Average Troll

 

A. Troll shaming on the Internet: “WE ARE NOT UGLY!”

 

B. Disrepair on bridges, creating ugly homes

 

C. Lawsuit over Deck the Halls. What the hell is “Troll the ancient Yuletide carol??”

 

D. Trolls are people, too. Well … not exactly.

 

E. We do not eat children, even though they appear to be extremely delicious.

 

Troll

 

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