Sit Down Comedy … August 21st, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Sit Down Comedy

10 Spontaneous One-Liners

1. “Kumquat—another name for a woman’s orgasm.”

2. “I shot an arrow into the air and where it fell…is now a crime scene.”

3. “The 2020 college football season has been fumbled away, fearing illegal motion.”

4. “Is Ridin’ Biden the best way to Thump Trump?”

5. “I went to a family reunion during an election year and escaped with a broken nose.”

6. “When Jesus walked on the water, he realized it was time to clean out the lake.”

7. “If you can’t be sexy, learn how to tell a good story.”

8. “If you’re a kid nowadays and your parents call you special, you don’t know if you’re brilliant or retarded.”

9. “I used to laugh at old people. Now I bitch at young folks.”

10. “If you would give me thirty seconds notice before the world comes to an end, I will gladly tell you what I really think about humus.”

Cracked 5 … December 14th, 2019

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Cracked 5

 Totally and Completely Politically Incorrect Names to Give to Elves

A. Shortbread

 

B. Little Hands

 

C. Tinker Bill

 

D. Brief

 

E. Grounded

 

 

Cracked 5 … December 7th, 2019

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Cracked 5

 Things Santa Claus’s Therapist Could Certainly Tell You

A.  He wears a beard to cover his leprosy scars.

 

B.  He refuses to accept that the red costume makes him look fifty pounds heavier.

 

C.  Reindeer smell bad and attack black kids.

 

D. He never married Mrs. Claus. (It’s a long story.)

 

E. Can’t leave him alone for more than five minutes at a time with small children.

 

 

 

Cracked 5 … November 30th, 2019

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Cracked 5

 Mistakes Often Made on Thanksgiving Day

A. Asking Grandma what she’s thankful for—right before we’re supposed to start eating

 

B. Saying, “The ham is good but nothing ‘trumps’ the turkey.” (Politics begins…)

 

C. Pointing out that the Pilgrims were illegal immigrants.

 

D. Asking what the calorie count is on each dish that comes your way.

 

E. Telling Aunt Minnie you like her Jell-O salad with the carrots—and she keeps passing to you over and over again.

 

 

Salient…July 2nd, 2018

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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There are matters that are too important to ignore or leave to chance. These are salient moments.

Bring your own joy or bring your own bitching.

It’s really that simple.

There are a chosen few who have discovered the secret to life in knowing that it is essential to show up with your own joy if you expect to have joy for lunch and dinner.

It is not provided.

The American freeway system will not roll out joy for you on your way to work. Your job is not necessarily geared to your happiness. Certainly your children and family have so many pursuits that they don’t have time to plan a special dish of “giddy” for you.

And the entertainment industry in this country…Well, let’s just say they seem to enjoy themselves.

If you don’t bring your own joy you will fall prey to succumbing to the overpowering nastiness of those who bring bitching.

Just in case you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll give you some examples of those who show up bitching. Here are a handful of the statements they make:

1. “I’m not a morning person.”

2. “I didn’t sleep well (again).”

3. “I don’t talk until I’ve had my coffee…”

4. “Those drivers are crazy.”

5. “My kids are good…just presently screwed up.”

6. “What’s with Trump?”

7. “America is getting great again.”

8. “I’m not prejudiced, but…”

9. “I think I have cancer.”

10. “The world is so evil…”

11. “The polar ice caps are melting.”

12. “I love my dog more than people.”

Brace yourself.

This onslaught of negativity will come at you without remedy. There is no cure. These people have already decided that bitching IS their joy. Therefore, they are only comfortable around fellow-bitchers.

They even want you to change the term from “bitching” to “complaining.” (It just sounds a little better. And of course, we all know that life is all about how it sounds. NOT.)

So here is your salient moment:

BYOJ (Bring Your Own Joy) or BYOB (Bring Your Own Bitching)

It is a daily conflict which faces each and every one of us, and determines the quality of our souls and often reflects the healthiness of our bodies.

 

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Cracked 5 … October 10th, 2017


Jonathots Daily Blog

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cracked 5 logo keeper with border

 

Other Names Once Considered for Bugs Bunny

A.  Ears McGears

 

B.  Rabid Rabbit

 

C.  Headser Tails

 

D.  Harry Hare

 

E.  Trumper

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Cracked 5 … November 15th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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cracked 5 logo keeper with border

Other Practical Names Given for Thanksgiving

A.  Turkey Slaughter Day

 

B. “Why Don’t You Get a Job, Loser?” Day

 

C. “We Will Take Your Corn and Land” Day

 

D. “Does Anyone Really Like Green Beans and Mushroom Soup?” Day

 

E. “Thanks for the Electoral College” Day (only at the Trump home)

 

cracked-5-pilgrim

 

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