Sit Down Comedy … November 8th, 2019

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Sit Down Comedy

 I felt the need for some caution.

When the Mogelthorpe family invited us over for a discussion, I was bewildered. First, I did not know the Mogelthorpes—only that their teenage daughter was dating our teenage son. Additionally, I didn’t think I had ever participated in an event dubbed “a discussion” that remained discussing and didn’t deteriorate into some sort of verbal standoff.

But I went.

As it turned out, the Mogelthorpes were very concerned that their daughter was getting too serious about our son, and that their high school dating experience was progressing at a frightening pace.

I listened. But I must admit, I find folks who attempt to curtail sexual activity somewhat comical. They, themselves, historically did not “cur their tail,” and most of the time when we try to keep young humans from doing things, they just do it sooner and faster.

I tried to talk like a responsible, aging, overly anxious parent and take the whole thing seriously.

At length I failed.

After an hour-and-a-half of back-and-forth conversation, which was deteriorating into each set of parents beginning to blame the other set for raising either a “tart” or a “rascal,” I finally concluded, “Folks, this is really simple. Your daughter has a radioactive vagina and my son is toting a Geiger counter.”

They did not find this humorous or even enlightening.

We left on semi-cordial terms—but with no prospects of future interaction or fellowship. It was especially ridiculous when within two weeks the two lovers lost interest in each other.

At this point, you might think the parents would relax and laugh at the failed conference. But no, the whole time I lived in the community, they never spoke to me again. And I imitated them.

Now, I felt the same way yesterday afternoon as I watched the news.

Made-up people are putting together made-up discussions over made-up problems in a world that has been made up by all of us.

The result will not be good. For it has become much more important to score points than to make one.

We are determined to wrestle our opponents to the ground and stand over them, spitting bullets.

We need to understand one fact:

Where there’s an absence, there will be a presence.

And where there is a presence, to make room for such an introduction, something will have to be absent.

Although the Democrats are certain that all the problems in our country are caused by the Republicans, and the Republicans feel they’re on a holy mission to prevent the Democrats from gaining control of the steering wheel to our government, the tactics that have been conjured are now the only things we all share in common.

Republicans aren’t nastier than Democrats. The Donkey Party has pulled even.

The Democrats are not free from scandal. They are completely equivalent to their Republican nemesis.

We believe the best way to settle a Presidential campaign is to insult until we get the desired result.

So the absence of one thing becomes the presence of another. And if you’re not careful, you may not even notice that something beautiful is gone. It is quickly filled in with something ugly. Then people tell you that this ugliness has always been there.

For instance:

The absence of civility is the presence of aggression.

Civility began feeling too “goody-goody” for us, so we attempted to change it to “toleration.” In other words, “I agree to disagree with you.”

Little did we know that in order to maintain this neutrality, we would have to be aggressive to keep our opponent at bay.

Likewise, the absence of truth is the presence of lying.

We didn’t believe that. We thought some matters could be “private,” and an explanation would not be necessary. But with a 24-hour news cycle, the facts always come out—and then, lying must be used to cover up the secret.

The absence of understanding is the presence of confusion.

Parts of our country have attempted to isolate themselves from other parts, pleading ignorance of social, cultural and even spiritual differences. But ignorance is a hard idea to present as a virtue.

And the absence of understanding has become the presence of confusion.

In other words, “How can those people be so stupid?”

Countered with, “How can those people be so arrogant?”

It may be difficult to understand, but:

The absence of good becomes the presence of evil.

We would like to characterize this as free will—but when humans are given liberty, they normally use it for an occasion to gratify their flesh. It’s just in our DNA.

So as Abraham Lincoln suggested, if we are not in pursuit of our better angels, our worst demons start planning the picnic.

I do believe we have good intentions.

But once you want to dominate, you don’t take the time to ruminate.

Yes—to sit and ponder how often we’re wrong, and to allow that to soak in so we don’t have to act like we are always right.

For I can tell you:

The absence of love is the presence of hate.

For the past twenty years, we have tried to achieve a relaxed indifference toward one another.

We have more interest in our personal family than the family of man.

And we have changed our lives to an electoral-college map, which tells us how to act.

Love is more than affection and it is more than commitment.

Love is the certainty that we are wrong often enough that we need to talk a helluva lot less.

Without this admission, hate shows up early, and leaves late.

 

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Jesonian … December 2nd, 2017

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Whenever you’ve done it to the least of these, my brethren, you’ve done it to me.

This seems to be one of those idealistic, philosophical utterances of Jesus from the Sermon on the Mount. Most people nod their heads in agreement, while secretly pre-repenting over not doing it.

But it is not a statement.

It’s a puzzle–a riddle.

It’s an intertwining ball of confusion leading us to a universal realization.

First of all, let us understand that Jesus, who walked with equality among Jew, Greek, Roman and Samaritan, did not believe that anyone was “the least.” So him phrasing the word “least” was ironic rather than iconic.

Since he didn’t believe anybody was the least, we are given a bit of misdirection. Jesus was suggesting that we, as humans, are obsessed with subjectively examining those around us, with the goal of finding our level of superiority.

Because we don’t want to hunger and thirst for righteousness, we live off the fat of our own arrogance. In other words, “I am better than you because I say that I’m better than you–and everyone in our clan believes we are better.”

Nowadays we pass this prejudice off as culture, or loving our family, or appreciating our home town. It’s the Red States saying they are more righteous than the Blue States, and the Blue States claiming the Red States are imbeciles.

There are no least.

So Jesus traps us in the maze: “Since you think these people are least, then you need to realize they are me, and the only place you will find me is in them. I will not be available to you in your favored few. You will only be able to discover me in those you deem least.”

So if you think black people look like monkeys, if you want to find Jesus you’d better show up with some bananas–because he will situate himself right in the middle of the black race and evaluate you on how you treat them.

If you think women are weaker vessels and stupid, Jesus will grow a vagina. Yes, Christ will only be accessible to you through the female.

If you think gay people are destroying America, then be prepared to find Jesus as a flaming queen with a thick lisp.

And then, based upon how you handle this information–how genteel and kind you are–your true spirituality will be rewarded.

For Jesus told us that if we love those who love us, we are no better than the heathen. Anybody can do that.

But if we insist there is an inferior race, an abominable people or just folks that are “no damn good,” then we will need to go to the prisons, the hospital wards and the whore houses to really find the Master.

It is a nasty trap.

Perhaps it would just be easier to cease believing that anyone is least–smarter to drop the arrogance that keeps us in ignorance, where God has no tolerance.

The least of these my brethren is not actually a group of people. It is a gathering place for all of our bigotry–where Jesus is waiting for us so that we can find him and be blessed.

As soon as the church starts teaching a progressive message–that no matter how unique our fellow-humans may turn out to be, none of them are least–we will be at the mercy of cozying up to those we deem intolerable.

There are no third world countries.

There are no human abominations.

There are no inferior races.

There are no least.

If you believe there are “least” in the world, be prepared to journey to them to find your Master.

He will be sitting there–right in the middle of the people you hate, waiting for you to repent and find Him.

 

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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … December 3rd, 2016

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Dear Man Dear Woman

Man: I want a woman who’s smart.

 

Woman: Well, I would suggest that you get smarter. Intelligent people tend to find each other. I want a man who’s confident.

 

Man: You’ll need to be careful with that one. Confidence isn’t bragging. It’s a delicate balance between accomplishment and humility. I want a woman who’s sexy.

 

Woman: Well, there are lots of women who need sex–claim to have a yearning for it. But if you’ll allow me to say so, you might look for a woman who wants to have romance solely with you. I, on the other hand, would like a man who’s talented.

 

Man: Well, there’s talent that’s perceived, and talent that has the proof of performance. It’s easy to find a guy who has a guitar and a whole bucket of songs he’s written and is convinced he might have a future. Let’s be honest. If somebody isn’t giving him money for his talent right now, they probably never will. That’s why I would like to have a woman who’s generous.

 

Woman: Now, generosity is a tricky thing. Some people are generous to those they know or to their families, or might even spread it to their friends. But the true spirit of generosity is doing something for someone who has no ability to give it back in your direction. I guess that’s why I yearn for a man who’s spiritual.

 

Man: That can be a trap. There’s a big difference between being religious and being real. True spirituality is realizing there’s nothing in heaven that can’t at least be attempted on Earth. If your man is constantly talking about heaven, faith, prayer and church, he’s letting you know that he has no intention of making God’s will done here on Earth as it is in the sky. Me–I would love to have a woman who’s funny.

 

Woman: Keep in mind, there’s a fine line between silly and humor. And the trouble is, sometimes women who are silly are also air-headed about everything. Here’s how you know a woman is funny. Is she self-deprecating about her own weaknesses without losing a bit of her self-esteem? For me, finding a man who’s kind would be the greatest thing I could achieve.

 

Man: That does sound good, doesn’t it? Except for the fact that some people are kind because they’re afraid of being honest. Kindness has to be borne from a knowledge of the truth, with the addition of mercy. Otherwise you start insisting that everybody in the world is okay, and slam the door on those who might have decided to get better. Let me guess–you’d like a strong man.

 

Woman: Strong worries me. He may be able to lift a box and carry it up to the third floor, but those same muscles could be attached to a bad temper and used against me. I think I would prefer a man who pursues being fearless and uses the strength he’s got to tackle his problems instead of attacking the people he loves.

 

Man: You know what I’m hearing?

 

Woman: What’s that?

 

Man: We’re looking for the same thing in each other.

 

Woman: I guess it’s safe to say, we’re looking for people who realize they’re human beings instead of a penis and a vagina.

 

Man: A little blunt, but I think I agree.

 

Woman: I wasn’t blunt. I was just being strong.

 

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Ask Jonathots… September 15th, 2016

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I truly don’t understand what the big deal is about sex. I haven’t figured out why people think your sex related decisions define you. Is it just because a) you’re naked, and b) it’s how babies are created?

There is a simple problem in our country:

Those who believe in God fail to honor science, and those who revere science find it necessary to turn their backs on God.

There seem to be relatively few people who understand that a Creative Father felt the need to establish an order through Mother Nature.

With that in mind, let’s address your question.

  • When do people mature sexually? Somewhere between the age of 13 and 15.
  • When do we think people should get married? Late twenties, or some folks even think early 30’s.

So in our culture there are fifteen years of sexual viability which is supposed to be stuffed away in a closet in preparation for marriage, or stumbled into through carnal experimentation made dangerous through immaturity and disease.

We really have to make up our minds. Are we going to continue to believe that people are children until they’re thirty, or are we going to establish an earlier emotional awareness to match the sexual awakening?

Sex is a big deal because people either pretend it’s sacred or just “a physical experience.” Since human beings may be the only species in which both male and female have the capacity for pleasure outside of procreation, we should probably emphasize the pleasure side of sexuality instead of insisting that God has belabored the girl with birth and the boy with “killing the game and dragging it back to the fire.”

What is sex? It is a physical experience producing a burst of pleasure which is also used by our species for procreation.

So if you have no intention of procreating, then you should be looking for ways to tap the pleasure without becoming irresponsible.

If your intention is to procreate, then you probably need to do what all the animals on Earth do–find a way to nest with your mate to take care of your baby birds.

You have to make up your mind:

Are we just animals or is there more to us than that?

Are we just spiritual or do we possess a bit of animal?

Sexuality can never be casual because we’re not just tigers. It can also never be considered completely spiritual–it’s too easy to do and we really don’t do it any different from the monkeys.

So what’s the best answer for you?

Get a mature look at both your physical evolution and your emotional responsibility. You will never be able to have sex without having some inclination toward an emotional union.

Avoid the stupidity of the religious, who make the joining of the penis and the vagina some sort of holy oracle.

And also escape the worldly, who view it as a common crossroads of human interaction.

In the long run we will have to teach our children to mature more quickly–or else not be so concerned that they start “probing the parts.”

For after all, even the Pope knows that nobody’s going to arrive at twenty-nine years of age a virgin.

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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … June 25th, 2016

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Dear Man Dear Woman

Dear Man: So are you a Martian?

 

Dear Woman: What?

 

Dear Man: John Gray, in his book back in 1992, claimed that men were from Mars and women were from Venus. So I guess that would make you a Martian.

 

Dear Woman: And you a Venetian.

 

Dear Man: Isn’t that a set of blinds?

 

Dear Woman: Yes. Can the blinds lead the blinds?

 

Dear Man: You didn’t go there, did you?

 

Dear Woman: I did.

 

Dear Man: I think it’s dangerous to think that the two genders of one species are from two different planets, with no plan to build a space ship.

 

Dear Woman: It’s a cop-out. I’m sure this Gray fellow was nice and all, but he didn’t realize that fostering the ignorance of an ongoing farce is not realism–it’s pandering.

 

Dear Man: Yeah. I guess it would just be easier for me to think you were nuts and I was fruitful.

 

Dear Woman: And easier for me to believe that you are incapable of understanding me.

 

Dear Man: Here’s the truth–we both have landed on Earth. We can’t escape to another sphere of living without jeopardizing our relationship and probably even the balance of life itself.

 

Dear Woman: So rather than making up a conflict or feeding a present disagreement, I think it’s contingent on both you and me to try to get along on Earth.

 

Dear Man: Well said. Let me start off by telling you that the first thing all Earthlings have to realize in order to survive here–whether they’re male or female–is that truth gives you freedom. If you lie, you’re bound to spend all your time covering up the lie. The only way to get freedom–whether you have a vagina or a penis–is to tell the truth. Otherwise, you’re in bondage.

Dear Woman: Can I offer a second? Commonality creates allies. I will tell you–Mars and Venus thinking is just a clever way to cover the nastiness of gender bias, just as the pursuit of “culture” is the new Jim Crow.

 

Dear Man: What do you mean by that?

 

Dear Woman: I mean, commonality creates allies. When we insist we’re different, it separates us into camps, which invites bigotry.

 

Dear Man: I get that. So the more we find in common, the more we become allies. As allies, we don’t need to fight anymore just to prove we’re uniquely male or female. So can I give a third one?

 

Dear Woman: Fire away.

 

Dear Man: Respect preserves love. Once we convince ourselves there’s some sort of quiet mutual disrespect going on, love rots. Love cannot survive disrespect.

 

Dear Woman: Boy, is that true. If I think that you think I’m kind of stupid, I will find it difficult to love you.

 

Dear Man: And if I think you think I’m lesser, I won’t have any motivation to give you my love.

 

Dear Woman: So let me make a bold statement–John Gray and those who followed him may have felt they were being contemporary with their observations, but what they ended up doing was driving a wedge between the only forces that can unite to make the world better–men and women.

 

Dear Man: We live on Earth, not Venus or Mars. We are not separated by outer space. Truth gives us freedom, commonality creates allies and respect preserves our love.

 

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Dear Man/Dear Woman: A Noteworthy Conversation … February 13th, 2016

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Dear Man Dear Woman

Dear Man: I was reading something on the Internet…

 

Dear Woman: Uh-oh. That can be a real bear trap.

 

Dear Man: No kidding. Because there’s no way to “vet” articles on the Internet, I don’t know whether to believe them or ignore them–simply because they’re on that medium. But anyway, it was written by this guy who said it was just natural, in the evolution of our species, that men are meant to be the head of the house and women are supposed to be submissive.

 

Dear Woman: I hate that word.

 

Dear Man: Submissive?

 

Dear Woman: Yeah. It’s got all sorts of negative implications to me.

 

Dear Man: I agree. But submitting to wisdom, goodness, kindness, knowledge and progress is a good thing.

 

Dear Woman: Yeah, but that’s not what they mean by submission. Their definition of submission is that if someone has a penis, he’s in charge.

 

Dear Man: And the vagina is supposed to give in to the wishes of the ruling penis.

 

Dear Woman: This conversation’s getting weird.

 

Dear Man: It is, isn’t it? Is it because of the words we’re using, or because the idea of submission is basically inhuman?

 

Dear Woman: I don’t think it’s inhuman. There are times I need to submit. There are times I need to submit to women.

 

Dear Man: But the word is so ugly.

 

Dear Woman: Yeah, it’s half of the problem in my opinion.

 

Dear Man: What’s the other half?

 

Dear Woman: Oh, the way they say, in this snarky voice, “Women are smarter than men.”

 

Dear Man: Maybe we’ve found the problem. You’ve got two sides of the same coin. You’ve got some men who want women to submit to them no matter what, and some women who want to be dominant by insisting they’re smarter.

 

Dear Woman: I think that is the problem. I hate both of those thoughts. Why can’t we be just be logical about it?

 

Dear Man: Logical in what way?

 

Dear Woman: Try this on. Sometimes you know more than I do and it’s okay. It’s okay that you know more, and it’s not the end of the world that in this particular instance, I know less.

 

Dear Man: Sometimes you know more, and it’s still okay. I don’t have to fall into a giant vat of gooey glue with all the females of the species, and appear to be weak simply because in one situation, I don’t know as much.

 

Dear Woman: Let me go on. Then there’s you and me. Sometimes together we know nothing, and that’s okay if we admit it.

 

Dear Man: That means we are looking for something to be submissive to.

 

Dear Woman: I never thought of it that way, but it is true. Knowing nothing is a positive position if you’re aware of it and you’re looking for input.

 

Dear Man: Can I conclude with this? That means that every single day of our lives, we know that there are people who are smarter than we are, and that ends up being the best okay–because we can tap their wisdom and get the benefit.

 

Dear Woman: So sometimes you have the edge and I submit to you.

 

Dear Man: Likewise, sometimes you are ahead of the game and I submit your way.

 

Dear Woman: And it’s possible for both of us to be ignorant and we’re searching for a place to submit.

 

Dear Man: Which means we have to be willing to acknowledge that there are smarter people.

 

Dear Woman: And it doesn’t matter if they’re male or female–just that in this given situation, they have what’s needed.

 

Dear Man: Do you think we could sell that?

 

Dear Woman: Well, let’s be honest. Somebody had to come along and sell people on the idea that men were intended to be the head of the household…

 

Dear Man: …and that women are smarter than men.

 

Dear Woman: Neither idea is true.

 

Dear Man: So I think we’ve got a shot at convincing people that we submit to each other … based upon who has the best insight. 

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