Cracked 5 … July 4th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Ways to Have an Acceptable Covid-19 July 4th Celebration

1. Set fire to all your clothing that has been exposed to the virus and stand around the bonfire singing, “This Is My Country.”

 

2. Sparklers in the back yard—six feet apart.

 

3. Eat. Yes, eating is still legal.

 

4. Avoid watching “Independence Day,” since it’s an attack by an alien presence.

 

5. Walk to the corner and back, and upon returning cleanse yourself with a garden hose. Perhaps you could make it a family “hose-down.”

 

1 Thing That Opens the Door to Understanding

Suffering

I have not heard of any individual who has contracted the Covid-19 disease and gone through the paces of the horror that this virus inflicts, who is complaining about masks, quarantine and social distancing.

This is because the journey these souls were thrust upon produced enough suffering that a more complete understanding came into their lives than they might have achieved by watching Fox or CNN News.

For I will tell you—try as I will, I cannot conjure the sensation in my spirit that a person with darker skin experiences when delayed, questioned and taunted by a police officer.

Although I have listened for hours, I still don’t have the comprehension that every woman possesses after being subjugated, alienated and mistreated—simply for having a vagina.

There’s a certain amount of suffering that is the prequel to understanding.

“Touched by infirmities.”

A fascinating phrase.

It means that if I don’t sample the pain in this world, I may not be prepared to dole out the healing which is required.

So now, when I have one of those days of discomfort, when a confusion makes me wonder if I’m teetering in a deadly situation, I calm down and simply realize:

It’s my turn.

Yes, it has become necessary for me to catch up with the rest of humanity, which has already gained understanding through … suffering.

 

 

Cracked 5 … May 9th, 2020

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Things That Can Be Done if There Is No Football Season

A. Have five guys sit around a room tossing a football until somebody drops it. Repeat.

 

B. The great “Nachos Off.” (No vegetarians, please.)

 

C. Watch re-runs of classic games and pretend you don’t know who wins.

 

D. Be absolutely thrilled that there was also no baseball season.

 

E. Turtle races on back patio. Loser makes soup.

 

 

Salient…July 30th, 2018

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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There are matters that are too important to ignore or leave to chance. These are salient moments.

Anita Bryant.

I would guess, to my average reader, the name neither rings a bell nor stimulates any particular memory.

But back in 1977 (when a few determined dinosaurs still roamed the Earth), Anita Bryant was voted “The Most Trusted Woman in America.”

She was a former Miss America contestant who had a singing career and was well-known as the pitch person for Florida orange juice.

She was vibrant.

She was youthful.

And she was, as we gradually discovered, quite political.

For you see, when the Fort Lauderdale City Council passed an ordinance removing all limitations on lodging and civil considerations for the homosexual community, Anita objected.

And we’re not talking about an op-ed letter to the newspaper. She hit the streets, held rallies, and turned a local situation into a national debate over the issue of whether people who pursued a homosexual lifestyle should be granted all of their civil liberties.

She was in demand. Her performances were packed. She did interviews on all the Christian talk shows, and even one for Playboy Magazine. She was America’s sweetheart.

For you see, at that time in our country, the jury was not only out on the gay community, but was leaning toward the “rejection penalty.”

It was popular to be anti-gay.

It was considered patriotic to be against them.

As we arrived in the 1980s, and the horrific AIDS epidemic spread across the land, those who believed homosexuality to be an abomination to God also whispered that perhaps this new virus was the Almighty’s punishment.

Things changed.

Suddenly a little boy in Indiana got AIDS from a blood transfusion–and it was no longer merely an infection of the flaming queens. Ryan White, with his generous spirit, refused to believe that his particular AIDS was any different from the AIDS contracted by those in San Francisco.

He was humble, he was non-judgmental, and he was strong until the day he died.

He made those who condemned their brothers and sisters look foolish–especially Anita Bryant.

She is still alive, but unfortunately, her name is equated with intolerance instead of righteousness–or orange juice, for that matter.

An interesting fact that you may want to tuck away in your memory: lepers are remembered more favorably than Pharisees.

So here is your salient moment:

You can’t defend God or morality by attacking behavior and hurting people.

 

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Catchy (Sitting 28) Mikey … December 24th, 2017

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Matthew lost track, but it certainly was several dozen phone calls before he was able to coerce the information to find out where Jo-Jay was. Details were sketchy and information was limited by red tape, but from what he was able to gather, it seemed that half an hour outside of Dulles International Airport, on Flight 451 from Brasilia, the cockpit had radioed ahead that a violently ill patient was on the plane, and they needed emergency assistance upon landing.

The patient was Jo-Jay.

It seemed that during the flight she had begun to vomit, spiked a high fever and her skin turned blood red. She was delirious and was terrifying all of her fellow travelers.

Upon landing, an ambulance immediately took her to Walter Reed Medical Center, where she was quarantined, placed on a drastic regimen of antibiotics, and presently lay helpless, limp and unconscious.

Matthew didn’t waste any time. He drove over to Walter Reed Hospital, rehearsing a cock-and-bull story about being related to Jo-Jay, only to discover upon arrival that they were so glad to see anyone who knew her that they embraced him with both questions and information.

Actually, the latter was lacking. There was not much they could tell Matthew about her condition.

Except that she was dying.

All her organs were beginning to fail, and she was under a death sentence from an unknown virus from the Amazon. She was surrounded by people in paper and plastic garments, moving in and out, diligently trying to care for her still frame.

Matthew just sat, looking through the window in total disbelief. How in the hell did this happen? What was Jo-Jay doing in Brazil?

There was no way to ask her. She was comatose.

Matthew noticed one of the nurses coming out of the room toting a purse. He recognized it as belonging to Jo-Jay. He needed that purse.

Distracting the nurse with a question about the medical chart and alluding to the fact that he might be able to give some added input, she set the purse down and slipped away for just a few moments–long enough for Matthew to reach inside the bag and pull out Jo-Jay’s “brain.” That’s what Jo-Jay called it.

It was a notebook she had kept since college, filled with ideas, feelings, recipes and little quips she had picked up to remind herself about better aspirations. Grabbing the treasure, Matthew hurried away to an empty room, entered, shut the door, turned on the light and sat down to read.

Total disappointment. For some reason the book was empty.

No pages.

As Matthew peered down at the binding, he realized that the pages had been carefully cut out of the book, probably with a razor blade. There certainly had been something inside that someone did not want anyone else to see.

Matthew was startled by a knock at the door. It was the nurse, who had discovered his hiding place. She held up Jo-Jay’s purse.

Matthew readied himself for a rebuke, but instead she asked him to rifle through the purse, to see if there was anything he might identify which might help them with a diagnosis. He had no idea what to look for.

The purse was full of nothing recognizable–except there was a powder compact in the bottom of the purse, partially open.  Matthew lifted it out and unlatched it. There, on the small mirror, written in what appeared to be lipstick, was one word:

“Mikey.”

 

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G-Poppers … December 22nd, 2017

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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G-Pop has the stomach flu.

Family has gathered for Christmas, bringing their local organic microbes and bugs along with them–one being an infestation of the tummy.

Normally G-Pop fares pretty well in these situations, but this particular brand seems to take no prisoners, and does not discriminate based upon genial nature or obviously, good looks.

Everyone has had the stomach flu. Matter of fact, when you’re not having the stomach flu, you look back on it as a bizarre inconvenience. It’s more or less one of those things that happens, lasts for a few hours, and it’s gone.

Similar to an atomic bomb.

The sensation of having lost control of one of the major systems in your body is disconcerting and certainly humbling.

G-Pop abandoned all of his appetite, he was at the mercy of all the exit areas of his being, and he was at the whim of this little bug that had landed in his system and was desperately trying to work its way out.

Yes, G-Pop felt the whole time that this stomach virus was just as pissed about being inside him as he was at having it inside. For all of its antagonizing, agonizing and struggling ways let G-Pop know that it truly did want to be free.

Simultaneously, G-Pop had to try to make sure it didn’t infect anyone else in the house. Tricky business.

Having the stomach flu right before Christmas is a little frightening–because one wonders if one will be able to participate in the festivities.

But the truth of the matter is, life actually does consist of “one day at a time,” and since today is not Christmas morning, there’s a good shot that some “Joy to the World” can still be excavated from a “Silent Night.”

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Cracked 5 … October 18th, 2016

 Jonathots Daily Blog

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cracked 5 logo keeper with border
 Other Ways to Skin a Cat

A.  Have any rational person spend one day with a cat

 

B.  Let dogs be dogs

 

C.  Start the rumor on social media that cat skins are very valuable

 

D.  Have your cat live near a Chinese restaurant

 

E.  Nurture a virus in your laboratory that loosens paw fur–then pull with delight

 cracked-5-cat

 

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