Cracked 5 … October 5th, 2019

Jonathots Daily Blog

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Cracked 5

Best Excuses for Not Going to Church

A. Every time I drive by, your parking lot is full.

 

B. I have uncontrollable farting when I’m in public.

 

C. My dad was Jehovah’s Witness, my wife, Mormon, and my daughter is in final study of Wicca, to become a witch.

 

D. Do you have a nurse on site? I have seizures.

 

E. Listen, I’ll come—if first, you can help me pay my rent and gambling debts.

 

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The B Word … February 12th, 2019

THE

WORD


Jonathots Daily Blog

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The B word is bitch

In the urban dictionary, the word “bitch” has clumsily been defined as a term of power, but nothing could be further from the truth.

“Bitch” has one meaning and one meaning only: a person who is so unsatisfied that they must constantly complain.

Unfortunately, the mass of men in the human species contend, to some degree at least, that this is a valid assertion made about the female of the species. I don’t see men calling their male friends “bitch.”

The word pops to the forefront whenever any man feels that a woman is trying to become a human, and therefore needs to be trimmed back—exposed as a nagging witch.

Men want to marry their mothers, except…

Men want to marry someone who takes care of the house like their mothers—except in the bedroom, where she turns into a porn star. Once the thrill of the sexuality wears off, men tend to only hear their mothers talking at them. They lose interest and begin looking for porn stars outside the house.

The main reason men don’t want women to be human is that then men would have to be human, too. They would have to consider something other than hunting and might need to become fellow “nesters” with their mates. They would have to stop hiding behind their sexual drive and instead, use their appetites to engage their partners.

“Bitch” is a way of keeping women black. Yes, it’s just like using the “N word” to someone of African descent. It is a reminder to “her” that she will never, ever be considered an equal, and must be careful that she won’t be verbally, emotionally or physically abused by trying to gain equal footing.

Also, the parenthetical “bitch” that is taught by religion (“happy wife, happy life”) is used by giggling men talking about how overbearing women can be—pretending that they are submissive to this whining feminine attitude.

It is a man’s world.

And it will continue to suck until it becomes a human world—free of the word “bitch.”


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Top Ten Rejected Titles for The Wizard of Oz … June 6, 2012

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I got so inspired yesterday writing to you about Kansas that it got me to thinking about The Wizard of Oz, and in the spirit of always trying to bring something fresh to my readers here at jonathots, I was able to dredge up, through much painstaking investigation, ten originally proposed titles for the story, which, for some reason or another, were summarily rejected by those in power (I would assume to keep the “little man” down…) Knowing that you are always trying to expand your brains and have little pieces of useless information to pull out in party situations so as to make you even more obtuse, I have decided to compile these into a list for you today, which we shall dub The Top Ten Rejected Titles for The Wizard of Oz:

10.  When Monkeys Fly

9.  Dorothy‘s Purple Acid

Cropped screenshot of Judy Garland from the tr...

Cropped screenshot of Judy Garland from the trailer for the film The Wizard of Oz. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

8.  Which witch is which and why?

7.  The Lizard of Ooze (don’t ask)

6.  Three Babies and a Lady

5.  There’s No Home Like Place(mats)–by Martha Stewart

4.  Goldbrickers and the Kansas Brat (an independent film)

3.  Dropping Housing Prices

2.  Toto‘s Tail (a K through 9 view)

And finally, the Number One rejected title, which, in my opinion, was a mistake:

1.  TORNADOES SUCK

   

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